I've a confession to make:

[wolven7]

Tom Waits - [Way Down in the Hole]--- I don't know the last time I told this to you, without the cloying ploying element, but here it is:

I'm scared.

I am literally afraid that I am doing something useless with my life, and that I don't honestly enjoy my current chosen profession. I look around me, in the field, and every time I try to do what I want to do, people look at me like i'm stupid. This askance, askew kind of look that doesn't even say "You Can't Do That," because I know what to do with that. No, instead it's "Why Would You Want To Do That?" And I have my answer. I have my goals... But are my goals honestly served better by something that makes me so very angry, every day, by something that makes me want to slam my head into the floor with frustration?

Save Ferris - [Lies]--- And what if the answer is no? What if I've wasted thousands of dollars, gone several thousand more dollars into debt, and wasted valuable time on something that, ultimately, hates what I want to do with it, as much as I hate what it wants to do with itself. And maybe that's it. Maybe I have to become an Ideological Sadist/Conqueror/, forcing the new way, for the greater good, because the status quo hates it so much. But what kind of useless reactionary bullshit is that? Exactly that kind of Useless, Reactionary Bullshit.

I am afraid of what I'm doing with my life. I don't want to talk about these things about which I have not made up my mind but which, when all positions are heard, seem patently obvious. (PIG - [The Fountain of Miracles]). And I know that the same is true, for the opposite end of the spectrum. And I think, honestly, that that is the key. No one wants to hear it. There's no Normative value to it; we can't tell people how they should live their lives.

I don't want to tell people how they should live their fucking lives. I want to generate the framework that works best within the world, as it stands. No anarchism, no "Natural Law." I want people to choose, based on qualified information. And I want them to stand by their choices. But I cannot Tell them to do this. I can only Describe what I think is the best system, and put it out, for the public view. I cannot Prescribe what people Should do, because i'm not them. And that's what the majority of my field seems to want.

Philosophy seems to want to tell people what they have to believe, and I think that's bullshit. I think it's Utter Bullshit. And I'm completely afraid that the amount of work it will take me to change it will be... implausible, int he face of other considerations. (Cake - [Frank Sinatra]). I worry that it's not worth it.

So there's my confession. I'm afraid. Genuinely frightened that I've made the wrong choice, and that it's going to blow up in my face.

Sympathy and pity are not necessary. Neither are pieces of Advice, but thet are certainly more welcome.

I should eat food.

Comments

Re: late response

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Someone has to start the revolution. Someone has to fire the first gun. And if you can continue doing that without also being the first to die then all is definitely worth it.

Absolutely correct. No need to go all Crispus Atticks, up in this piece.

I do worry about that concerted effort you mention, but I don't worry Too much. It's unlikely, but I have a contingency or two in place for that, as well.

Thank you, for this.

Re: late response

[momentai.livejournal.com]

...I have a contingency or two in place for that, as well.

I knew you would which is another reason I have the utmost confidence in you. And a healthy fear.

Thank you for speaking your mind. Perhaps I will listen to you someday.

Re: late response

[wolven.livejournal.com]

We can all hope for things we'll do, for ourselves.

Hope turns to action.