I've a confession to make:

[wolven7]

Tom Waits - [Way Down in the Hole]--- I don't know the last time I told this to you, without the cloying ploying element, but here it is:

I'm scared.

I am literally afraid that I am doing something useless with my life, and that I don't honestly enjoy my current chosen profession. I look around me, in the field, and every time I try to do what I want to do, people look at me like i'm stupid. This askance, askew kind of look that doesn't even say "You Can't Do That," because I know what to do with that. No, instead it's "Why Would You Want To Do That?" And I have my answer. I have my goals... But are my goals honestly served better by something that makes me so very angry, every day, by something that makes me want to slam my head into the floor with frustration?

Save Ferris - [Lies]--- And what if the answer is no? What if I've wasted thousands of dollars, gone several thousand more dollars into debt, and wasted valuable time on something that, ultimately, hates what I want to do with it, as much as I hate what it wants to do with itself. And maybe that's it. Maybe I have to become an Ideological Sadist/Conqueror/, forcing the new way, for the greater good, because the status quo hates it so much. But what kind of useless reactionary bullshit is that? Exactly that kind of Useless, Reactionary Bullshit.

I am afraid of what I'm doing with my life. I don't want to talk about these things about which I have not made up my mind but which, when all positions are heard, seem patently obvious. (PIG - [The Fountain of Miracles]). And I know that the same is true, for the opposite end of the spectrum. And I think, honestly, that that is the key. No one wants to hear it. There's no Normative value to it; we can't tell people how they should live their lives.

I don't want to tell people how they should live their fucking lives. I want to generate the framework that works best within the world, as it stands. No anarchism, no "Natural Law." I want people to choose, based on qualified information. And I want them to stand by their choices. But I cannot Tell them to do this. I can only Describe what I think is the best system, and put it out, for the public view. I cannot Prescribe what people Should do, because i'm not them. And that's what the majority of my field seems to want.

Philosophy seems to want to tell people what they have to believe, and I think that's bullshit. I think it's Utter Bullshit. And I'm completely afraid that the amount of work it will take me to change it will be... implausible, int he face of other considerations. (Cake - [Frank Sinatra]). I worry that it's not worth it.

So there's my confession. I'm afraid. Genuinely frightened that I've made the wrong choice, and that it's going to blow up in my face.

Sympathy and pity are not necessary. Neither are pieces of Advice, but thet are certainly more welcome.

I should eat food.

Comments

[sadistic-apollo.livejournal.com]

>pat pat<

ya done crying yet? you've got a world to get back to conquering.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm done.

[teididh.livejournal.com]

Honestly, you're young and in reasonable health.

As noncomforting as this might seem:

If at any point you -do- decide that you have in fact screwed the pooch entirely, you can always drop everything and be a menial. Or a preschool teacher. Or a call-center monkey. Move to Arizona and hawk shinies by the side of the highway. Your possibilities are hardly narrowed by spending the last paltry few years in college, and debt is of debatable import.

Don't be afraid; worst case scenario...you can fix it.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

worst case scenario...you can fix it.

Thank you. That's the plan, as it stands.

[jaythebarbarian.livejournal.com]

good luck regardless, old friend

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You, as well.

[pallandrome.livejournal.com]

A few comments. First off, I think the fearful question of "Am I Doing Right?" is fairly universal. I feel like I'm in a similar boat now, only I KNOW my current employment is unfulfilling. I suppose that makes my predicament somewhat less problematic though. All I can say is that the only correct answer is whatever answer prevents self-paralyzation.

It seems to me, has seemed for quite a while, that you are essentially creating an evolved religion. You take the world, strip away all the unneccisary bullshit, and bind The Guidlines as best you can for presentation. And no, the world doesn't WANT that. People fear change after all, always have, maybe always will. The job you've chosen for yourself isn't so much leading the horse to water and making him drink. It's making the water, so the horse can choose it's own way.

The difficulty of a task does not equate to the satisfaction of the task. You could choose to do something else, something easier or harder, something you felt was less important or more. But one suspects you'd feel that you had left work unfinished. That's my take on it. Either way, I'm with ya.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I do feel as if I have to see this thing through: That if I left it undone it would become my second major regret, in life.

And, when it comes down to it, I don't want to even make people do anything. Well, nothing but look. If they look, and look well, then I'll be satisfied. For the time.

Thank you.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

I wish you hadn't had to go out when I got home...I dunno what good I could do about it, but we should talk. At the very least, you can whine on me as I have on you so many damned times.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

We got to talk about it, in a way, anyway, and that was pretty good.

Thank you, love.

[raoin.livejournal.com]

(sympathy) i've felt the same way for years.

the best adivice i can offer is to either chose to continue down the path you are on, forcing the field to conform as you go, or to do something completely different and try to get your goals done in a roundabout kind of way. although both will be roundabout in a way, i guess going with the first option (to me) feels like a more direct route to working on what i want to work on, whereas the second option always seems to mean i'd only ever be doing what i wanted to do part time. and who wants to go what they love as hobby?

on the up side the field you are in is rapidly growing and changing, at least from where i'm sitting that's what it looks like is happening. so if you stick with it then you should technically have an easier time of making it do the things you want, as opposed to try to re-mold a field that's been around for hundreds of years (exe: english, mathematics, history - all fields where the intelligensia cannot accept the idea of doing things much differently than they already are, sure there are new ideas, but they arent ever going to be implemented far and wide until they become old and proven).

[wolven.livejournal.com]

The same is true of phgilosophy, as it is of mathematics: New ideas are years in the making. People still don't fully accept the philosophical implications of quantum mechanics.

And i feel that it is my place to fully present these things. But when my returns are so little, I wonder some days: Is it worth it? What is my scale of Worth?

[elioraceit.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

late response

[momentai.livejournal.com]

The fact that you care enough about people and your work to worry if the end is worth the means is evidence enough for me that you are headed in the right direction. I feel you may be a bit too headstrong with the goal, but you are doing fine by the goal.

Forcing change is imposible, you are correct, but that is a moot point so it is irrelevant. The point is that you are thinking this way when no one else apparently is. You have noticed that a change is necessary and you actually took the time to figure out how to impliment that change. More importantly, especially in your chosen field, you continue to take the time to adjust the plan for that change. You not simply understand and accept the need for constant vigilence, but you wholeheartedly embrace it.

You enthusiastic dedication is a marvel and it is that magnificence that will shine as a beacon for your followers. You most likely won't "change" anything about our framework in your lifetime, but that depends on the definition of change. I feel that an iconclastic thinker, an upstart genius if you will, is only responsible for planting the seeds. You do that well. It is not likely that you will actually be able to sow them, though if you can, that would be awesome. There will be those after you that understand your perspective and continue your ideas. You need not worry about that. Short of a concerted effort to discredit and bury your work, I don't see how you will not spark the new waves of thought.

Someone has to start the revolution. Someone has to fire the first gun. And if you can continue doing that without also being the first to die then all is definitely worth it.

Re: late response

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Someone has to start the revolution. Someone has to fire the first gun. And if you can continue doing that without also being the first to die then all is definitely worth it.

Absolutely correct. No need to go all Crispus Atticks, up in this piece.

I do worry about that concerted effort you mention, but I don't worry Too much. It's unlikely, but I have a contingency or two in place for that, as well.

Thank you, for this.

Re: late response

[momentai.livejournal.com]

...I have a contingency or two in place for that, as well.

I knew you would which is another reason I have the utmost confidence in you. And a healthy fear.

Thank you for speaking your mind. Perhaps I will listen to you someday.

Re: late response

[wolven.livejournal.com]

We can all hope for things we'll do, for ourselves.

Hope turns to action.