Some thoughts, on trust.
Sep. 23rd, 2004 02:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Speak openly and honestly today and you are likely to find yourself welcomed into a new group of friends. This is a good day to become involved in some sort of group activity WOLVEN, whether it be a special study group or a volunteer group in your neighborhood. Your motives about joining up were not necessarily so pure, but you wind up committing yourself to the cause wholeheartedly.
I'm thinking, recently, on trust, and the people around me. I am, at once, a trusting and a distrustful individual. Someone once told mre that if you're distrustful of others, then there's probably something untrustworthy about yourself. That may be true, but is neither here, nor there, at the moment. My thought, here, is that i tend to either trust instantly (if i really think you're golly-gee neat-o, and want you to feel the same for me), or i don't trust easily, at all, and it takes a while, for you to earn it.
I tend to keep many at arm's length, to guage their motives, to know why they want to know me (because it doesn't make sense, to me, that they may simply think i'm neat, first). And those people are rarely shown the cards. But the others, the ones i want to know, and whom i want to know me, get shown as much as they're comfortable seeing. Which is, often, not that much. But, on the whole, i try not to give a shit, and display what needs to be seen, and when. This is a difficult thing.
Not caring about what the people i think are cool are thinking of me is something with which i've always had a problem. I play to audiences. When i want someone to like me, i want them to like me, and it's a struggle to be as utterly honest as possible. Not hide, or play up, or pander. Refusing to slant the data. But i do have that fear of being alone, of being rejected and left, by those i thought were cool. It's happened, a lot, and it felt pretty bad. And that's why i ask for certain things.
I like to know motives. I like to know why you want to know, why you're asking, what it serves, in you, to know. Really, that's futile, because it's all for more personal information. Manipulation of that information, aside; anything could be done with it, from birthday presents, to psychological torture. And a true friend would bring both, i guess...
I guess i like to have that security blanket of semi-surety that you're not hanging around me simply to thwart my plans, and plot my demise. That there's something of me that you actually enjoy. Appreciate. Like.
I trust most of you. The weird thing is, the addition of people on these "Friends" lists, or buddy lists, or whatever online format, is the only real way we have to show it. Then, again, depending on the format, that level may be able to be varied, as well... How many modes of contact, how often, what about, why. All of these have shades of meaning, implicit.
Sometimes explicit.
It's hard for me to to fully trust... I'm somewhat suspiscious, all the time. Even of those i love the most... Wary with my information, wary with what, of me they tell to whom... As there may be certain people whom they trust, whom i do not. It's complicated, when you decide to trust people. What counts as a breach of that? Where would they not want you to go? Where would they not give a shit?
Trusting others, when you don't trust yourself?
Simply another reason i like to stay widely informed.
I'm done with studying. Now to bed, to digest the informations.
Dream Well
I'm thinking, recently, on trust, and the people around me. I am, at once, a trusting and a distrustful individual. Someone once told mre that if you're distrustful of others, then there's probably something untrustworthy about yourself. That may be true, but is neither here, nor there, at the moment. My thought, here, is that i tend to either trust instantly (if i really think you're golly-gee neat-o, and want you to feel the same for me), or i don't trust easily, at all, and it takes a while, for you to earn it.
I tend to keep many at arm's length, to guage their motives, to know why they want to know me (because it doesn't make sense, to me, that they may simply think i'm neat, first). And those people are rarely shown the cards. But the others, the ones i want to know, and whom i want to know me, get shown as much as they're comfortable seeing. Which is, often, not that much. But, on the whole, i try not to give a shit, and display what needs to be seen, and when. This is a difficult thing.
Not caring about what the people i think are cool are thinking of me is something with which i've always had a problem. I play to audiences. When i want someone to like me, i want them to like me, and it's a struggle to be as utterly honest as possible. Not hide, or play up, or pander. Refusing to slant the data. But i do have that fear of being alone, of being rejected and left, by those i thought were cool. It's happened, a lot, and it felt pretty bad. And that's why i ask for certain things.
I like to know motives. I like to know why you want to know, why you're asking, what it serves, in you, to know. Really, that's futile, because it's all for more personal information. Manipulation of that information, aside; anything could be done with it, from birthday presents, to psychological torture. And a true friend would bring both, i guess...
I guess i like to have that security blanket of semi-surety that you're not hanging around me simply to thwart my plans, and plot my demise. That there's something of me that you actually enjoy. Appreciate. Like.
I trust most of you. The weird thing is, the addition of people on these "Friends" lists, or buddy lists, or whatever online format, is the only real way we have to show it. Then, again, depending on the format, that level may be able to be varied, as well... How many modes of contact, how often, what about, why. All of these have shades of meaning, implicit.
Sometimes explicit.
It's hard for me to to fully trust... I'm somewhat suspiscious, all the time. Even of those i love the most... Wary with my information, wary with what, of me they tell to whom... As there may be certain people whom they trust, whom i do not. It's complicated, when you decide to trust people. What counts as a breach of that? Where would they not want you to go? Where would they not give a shit?
Trusting others, when you don't trust yourself?
Simply another reason i like to stay widely informed.
I'm done with studying. Now to bed, to digest the informations.
Dream Well
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-22 11:59 pm (UTC)it's so nice when you can recognise yourself so much in others.
makes you feel less... retarded?
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Very much less. Good to know. *smiles*
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Date: 2004-09-23 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2004-09-23 04:06 am (UTC)oh and I partly blame you for my having picked up the first volume of global frequency today.
back to thwarting and plotting.
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And you're welcome. Later.
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Date: 2004-09-23 01:13 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2004-09-23 07:40 pm (UTC)'trust everyone to be what they are'
my version of trust doesnt involve me expecting people do be there for me or to do things for me. They might well be and often are. But thats because thats what they want. Not because its what i want. If you can find your way clear to understand someone as they are (your seering skills are sufficiently excellent the last time i checked) then you can trust them to follow that.
If they do things that deviate from my understanding, then its up to me to understand deeper or betr. It might sound like it would lead to paranoid schizophrenia, but it actually makes for a much more relaxing life. I dont get betrayed, im just immensely grateful when someone has enough time to care or look after me. And im not offended when they have to get back to taking care of their life. After all, I do the same.
My two cents on trust.
be well:)
-sam
no subject
You're right, however, about the trusting people to be who they are. Unfortunately, at the moment, i'm dealing with a lot of people who haven't given who they are much thought, at all, which fuzzes up my view. So, it's a little more difficult, though not impossible, by any means.
It comes down to really wanting to be able equally reciprocate, i think. Again, the "what i'd do for you, you could try to do for me," kind of mindset. It's hard to break from that, but it's so idealised as to make it impractical.
So, trusting people to be themselves, works well, when it works.
And thank you, much.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 08:58 pm (UTC)On that trust thing.
The other night as I was sitting in the back of Al's car going to R Thomas. I began to wonder if I was being drug off for some type of intervention, been extra paranoid lately and when I looked over and we past the place. I was confused. Then I realized that what ever was going on I should just relax. I know I have control issues when it comes to being taken anywhere rather than driving myself. I think it goes into the recent crap that happened at the funeral ......which I have finally gotten caught up to 5pm on day 1 on that was one of the longest days of my life.
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Good luck.
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Date: 2004-09-23 09:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Transmission end.
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Date: 2004-09-23 08:59 pm (UTC)And I really like when you do this kind of thing, cause it forces me to take my own view and define it, analyze it. Thank you. ^_^
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Uhm.. You're welcome? Really i just get thoughts in my head, and i keep talking, until they're out, about as well as i'd like...
trust.
Date: 2004-09-25 06:17 pm (UTC)As for me and trusting people. I tend to work off 1st impressions of those I feel I can approach. If we hit it off, we talk and I sensse out if I can trust them. Gradually, I either feel a connection and trust builds with it or not and I tend to let the relationship die. Sometimes, despite my wants, the connection is unclear and I am not sure if the trust I extend is returned. I sort of feel that way with you. Not sure where of the level/strenght of the connection. When that happens, I just wait it out till things either run smoother or revelations reveal what the purpose of the meeting was.
Also, I don't have many limits. So little that it is difficult to talk to people b/c I never know what is and is not "too much info". Some people don't want to get all close and Personal when I feel that stuff is just regular, you know?
Re: trust.