Some thoughts, on trust.
Sep. 23rd, 2004 02:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Speak openly and honestly today and you are likely to find yourself welcomed into a new group of friends. This is a good day to become involved in some sort of group activity WOLVEN, whether it be a special study group or a volunteer group in your neighborhood. Your motives about joining up were not necessarily so pure, but you wind up committing yourself to the cause wholeheartedly.
I'm thinking, recently, on trust, and the people around me. I am, at once, a trusting and a distrustful individual. Someone once told mre that if you're distrustful of others, then there's probably something untrustworthy about yourself. That may be true, but is neither here, nor there, at the moment. My thought, here, is that i tend to either trust instantly (if i really think you're golly-gee neat-o, and want you to feel the same for me), or i don't trust easily, at all, and it takes a while, for you to earn it.
I tend to keep many at arm's length, to guage their motives, to know why they want to know me (because it doesn't make sense, to me, that they may simply think i'm neat, first). And those people are rarely shown the cards. But the others, the ones i want to know, and whom i want to know me, get shown as much as they're comfortable seeing. Which is, often, not that much. But, on the whole, i try not to give a shit, and display what needs to be seen, and when. This is a difficult thing.
Not caring about what the people i think are cool are thinking of me is something with which i've always had a problem. I play to audiences. When i want someone to like me, i want them to like me, and it's a struggle to be as utterly honest as possible. Not hide, or play up, or pander. Refusing to slant the data. But i do have that fear of being alone, of being rejected and left, by those i thought were cool. It's happened, a lot, and it felt pretty bad. And that's why i ask for certain things.
I like to know motives. I like to know why you want to know, why you're asking, what it serves, in you, to know. Really, that's futile, because it's all for more personal information. Manipulation of that information, aside; anything could be done with it, from birthday presents, to psychological torture. And a true friend would bring both, i guess...
I guess i like to have that security blanket of semi-surety that you're not hanging around me simply to thwart my plans, and plot my demise. That there's something of me that you actually enjoy. Appreciate. Like.
I trust most of you. The weird thing is, the addition of people on these "Friends" lists, or buddy lists, or whatever online format, is the only real way we have to show it. Then, again, depending on the format, that level may be able to be varied, as well... How many modes of contact, how often, what about, why. All of these have shades of meaning, implicit.
Sometimes explicit.
It's hard for me to to fully trust... I'm somewhat suspiscious, all the time. Even of those i love the most... Wary with my information, wary with what, of me they tell to whom... As there may be certain people whom they trust, whom i do not. It's complicated, when you decide to trust people. What counts as a breach of that? Where would they not want you to go? Where would they not give a shit?
Trusting others, when you don't trust yourself?
Simply another reason i like to stay widely informed.
I'm done with studying. Now to bed, to digest the informations.
Dream Well
I'm thinking, recently, on trust, and the people around me. I am, at once, a trusting and a distrustful individual. Someone once told mre that if you're distrustful of others, then there's probably something untrustworthy about yourself. That may be true, but is neither here, nor there, at the moment. My thought, here, is that i tend to either trust instantly (if i really think you're golly-gee neat-o, and want you to feel the same for me), or i don't trust easily, at all, and it takes a while, for you to earn it.
I tend to keep many at arm's length, to guage their motives, to know why they want to know me (because it doesn't make sense, to me, that they may simply think i'm neat, first). And those people are rarely shown the cards. But the others, the ones i want to know, and whom i want to know me, get shown as much as they're comfortable seeing. Which is, often, not that much. But, on the whole, i try not to give a shit, and display what needs to be seen, and when. This is a difficult thing.
Not caring about what the people i think are cool are thinking of me is something with which i've always had a problem. I play to audiences. When i want someone to like me, i want them to like me, and it's a struggle to be as utterly honest as possible. Not hide, or play up, or pander. Refusing to slant the data. But i do have that fear of being alone, of being rejected and left, by those i thought were cool. It's happened, a lot, and it felt pretty bad. And that's why i ask for certain things.
I like to know motives. I like to know why you want to know, why you're asking, what it serves, in you, to know. Really, that's futile, because it's all for more personal information. Manipulation of that information, aside; anything could be done with it, from birthday presents, to psychological torture. And a true friend would bring both, i guess...
I guess i like to have that security blanket of semi-surety that you're not hanging around me simply to thwart my plans, and plot my demise. That there's something of me that you actually enjoy. Appreciate. Like.
I trust most of you. The weird thing is, the addition of people on these "Friends" lists, or buddy lists, or whatever online format, is the only real way we have to show it. Then, again, depending on the format, that level may be able to be varied, as well... How many modes of contact, how often, what about, why. All of these have shades of meaning, implicit.
Sometimes explicit.
It's hard for me to to fully trust... I'm somewhat suspiscious, all the time. Even of those i love the most... Wary with my information, wary with what, of me they tell to whom... As there may be certain people whom they trust, whom i do not. It's complicated, when you decide to trust people. What counts as a breach of that? Where would they not want you to go? Where would they not give a shit?
Trusting others, when you don't trust yourself?
Simply another reason i like to stay widely informed.
I'm done with studying. Now to bed, to digest the informations.
Dream Well
