Welcome to 5 - 6 am land. In which we garner the disappointment of our peers.

[wolven7]

Monty Python - [Sit On My Face]--- Went to R Thomas, tonight, again, to kill time, take a break, get out in the world. It was a rewarding experience, as we met another semi-new person (don't meet new people, anymore, remember?), and had a good conversation. (Tomandandy - [Carol of the Bells]). On the ___ side, i had about 10 cups of coffee, and-- since AL bought us both packs-- a cigarette, because i've realised something, recently. I miss smoking. I miss the action, the burning fire, the intake, and not at all the nicotene. The nicotene, quite honestly, has always made me want to vomit. I miss the ritual communion with Fire, that i've wrapped up and symbolised, in smoking.

Panacea - [Lowtek (Intro)]--- I've been missing this, for weeks, actually. Months, if i'm going to be honest about it. And i've been... telling myself that i don't need it, even if i miss it. That i can find and reproduce that same feeling and effect, without the horrible consequences to both wallet and health. The problem is, i can't. I really simply haven't been able to find the way that works. The next step and suggestion would be "Then Remove The Want of Fire." I don't want to. And there's the rub. I don't want to not have that connection with fire. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to be addicted to nicotene (caffeine, either, for that matter, but i'm working on that, more slowly, and i'm not telling myself about it. Shhh.). So, no, i'm not going to start smoking again, as a habit and a pass-time. But i feel the want to finish the pack that was bought for me, for reasons of courtesy and obligation, and for Remembrance.

I want to remember what i've lost, and what i've decided that, in leaving behind, i wll Never Have Again, In That Form. (Siouxsie & The Banshees - [Dear Prudence]). I want to make sure that i understand what that means, fully, and accept, and move past it, to some other mode, some other form of apprehension of the Fire, in things. And i want to remember why i quit. Believe me, that cigarette, tonight, taught and reminded of the pain, the dirt-taste, and the sickness that is nicotene intake, but... Well.

I don't want to smoke the rest of the pack. I want to smoke the rest of the pack. We'll see what happens.

There is, in fact, weakness, here, and a lack of discipline. There is also loss, and want. (Stabbing Westward - [The Thing I Hate]). And there you have that. No apologies. I did it, and may do it, again, if i decide, and i am sorry, if that... upsets.

It's 6.40, in the fucking morning. I'm going to bed, before i make myself sound like any more of a git, than i already am.

Dream Well

Comments

[momentai.livejournal.com]

Have you considered carrying a lighter and flicking it on and off all the time? or perhaps some flash powder?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Yes, no, and it's still not the same, and i'm still not at a place, yet, where i accept that... lack. Where i am fully willing to say "That's the way things are," so that i may eventually say, "I'm ok with that."

Blarg indeed.

Not Disappointed

[karishi.livejournal.com]

Have you tried blowing little fireballs using hard alcohol? A definite difference between blowing it out and breathing it in, but I've always wanted to try, since it looks like fun.
There's also the option of empathic healing, of taking the fire-feel's effects from someone who smokes, which would cut you down to just secondhand. Tough to do, but possible. The only other thought I had was breathing the superheated air rising from a candle, and come to think of it that's probably got a lot of unhealthy chemicals in it too (or at least an unhealthy concentration, what with the air-flow containing itself in a pure stream...)

Re: Not Disappointed

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I have not, in fact, tried those. Something along those lines, with the chemical, but, yes, there Is that chemical factor, again.

The Fire Breathing thing would be fun and cool to do... but i would most certainly like at least a little training first.

And the empathic healing angle intrigues me..

Re: Not Disappointed

[tribeofone.livejournal.com]

Among other things that I have been in my life, I was for a while a professional fire-eater, until the boo boo. I was working up a routine to tour the country with and I decided to mix fire eating with fire breathing, as I had never known the two to go hand in hand. I found out why. I have healed since then but I did successfully burn 75% of my face not from the fire eating from the fire breathing. The wind shifted and the fireball came back down afterwards I was burn pretty bad. I will no longer breath fire, unless it is the only weapon available and I need that weapon. I will, however, still eat fire and if you or any one you know wishes to learn to eat fire let me know and we can munch some flames.

Re: Not Disappointed

[wolven.livejournal.com]

That might actually be... good. I'll talk to you about this, later.

Mercury's in Retrograde Again

[teididh.livejournal.com]

Until about the thirtieth. That could explain some of this backsliding weirdness.

I almost fell over the weekend, too. Saturday afternoon, driving down to NightFall's parents' for the baby shower, realizing that my mom was going to meet his parents (and a bunch of the Grove people) for the first time, we both started to have minor panic attacks. NightFall mentioned that he REALLY wanted a cig, and ye gods did i need one, too...if i hadn't been pregnant we would probably have been sitting at the Shell station sucking tar for all we were worth.

don't feel bad, you're not the only one.

Re: Mercury's in Retrograde Again

[wolven.livejournal.com]

That... would partly explain it, yes.

How'd the meet 'n' Greet go??

And thank you.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

Am reminded of something like this I've realized about myself...Less of an external element, but...Well, I'll explain later as I have to get my arse off to work, and it's Long.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* Okie. Hope you've had a good day at work, by the time you read this. :)