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wolven7Monty Python - [Sit On My Face]--- Went to R Thomas, tonight, again, to kill time, take a break, get out in the world. It was a rewarding experience, as we met another semi-new person (don't meet new people, anymore, remember?), and had a good conversation. (Tomandandy - [Carol of the Bells]). On the ___ side, i had about 10 cups of coffee, and-- since AL bought us both packs-- a cigarette, because i've realised something, recently. I miss smoking. I miss the action, the burning fire, the intake, and not at all the nicotene. The nicotene, quite honestly, has always made me want to vomit. I miss the ritual communion with Fire, that i've wrapped up and symbolised, in smoking.
Panacea - [Lowtek (Intro)]--- I've been missing this, for weeks, actually. Months, if i'm going to be honest about it. And i've been... telling myself that i don't need it, even if i miss it. That i can find and reproduce that same feeling and effect, without the horrible consequences to both wallet and health. The problem is, i can't. I really simply haven't been able to find the way that works. The next step and suggestion would be "Then Remove The Want of Fire." I don't want to. And there's the rub. I don't want to not have that connection with fire. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to be addicted to nicotene (caffeine, either, for that matter, but i'm working on that, more slowly, and i'm not telling myself about it. Shhh.). So, no, i'm not going to start smoking again, as a habit and a pass-time. But i feel the want to finish the pack that was bought for me, for reasons of courtesy and obligation, and for Remembrance.
I want to remember what i've lost, and what i've decided that, in leaving behind, i wll Never Have Again, In That Form. (Siouxsie & The Banshees - [Dear Prudence]). I want to make sure that i understand what that means, fully, and accept, and move past it, to some other mode, some other form of apprehension of the Fire, in things. And i want to remember why i quit. Believe me, that cigarette, tonight, taught and reminded of the pain, the dirt-taste, and the sickness that is nicotene intake, but... Well.
I don't want to smoke the rest of the pack. I want to smoke the rest of the pack. We'll see what happens.
There is, in fact, weakness, here, and a lack of discipline. There is also loss, and want. (Stabbing Westward - [The Thing I Hate]). And there you have that. No apologies. I did it, and may do it, again, if i decide, and i am sorry, if that... upsets.
It's 6.40, in the fucking morning. I'm going to bed, before i make myself sound like any more of a git, than i already am.
Dream Well
Panacea - [Lowtek (Intro)]--- I've been missing this, for weeks, actually. Months, if i'm going to be honest about it. And i've been... telling myself that i don't need it, even if i miss it. That i can find and reproduce that same feeling and effect, without the horrible consequences to both wallet and health. The problem is, i can't. I really simply haven't been able to find the way that works. The next step and suggestion would be "Then Remove The Want of Fire." I don't want to. And there's the rub. I don't want to not have that connection with fire. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to be addicted to nicotene (caffeine, either, for that matter, but i'm working on that, more slowly, and i'm not telling myself about it. Shhh.). So, no, i'm not going to start smoking again, as a habit and a pass-time. But i feel the want to finish the pack that was bought for me, for reasons of courtesy and obligation, and for Remembrance.
I want to remember what i've lost, and what i've decided that, in leaving behind, i wll Never Have Again, In That Form. (Siouxsie & The Banshees - [Dear Prudence]). I want to make sure that i understand what that means, fully, and accept, and move past it, to some other mode, some other form of apprehension of the Fire, in things. And i want to remember why i quit. Believe me, that cigarette, tonight, taught and reminded of the pain, the dirt-taste, and the sickness that is nicotene intake, but... Well.
I don't want to smoke the rest of the pack. I want to smoke the rest of the pack. We'll see what happens.
There is, in fact, weakness, here, and a lack of discipline. There is also loss, and want. (Stabbing Westward - [The Thing I Hate]). And there you have that. No apologies. I did it, and may do it, again, if i decide, and i am sorry, if that... upsets.
It's 6.40, in the fucking morning. I'm going to bed, before i make myself sound like any more of a git, than i already am.
Dream Well
