Feb. 3rd, 2011


Feb. 3rd, 2011 11:49 am
wolven7: (Dream House)
Long night of extremely intense, emotionally charged dreams about a lot of people. Travel dreams, door dreams, lots of dreams.

Brthday party dreams? Yeah, dreams.

What'd you dream, last night?
wolven7: (Dream House)
It's the year of the Metal Rabbit, in the Chinese Zodiac. It's the kind of year for operating behind the scenes to get things done, rather than approaching things in a more direct fashion. That's pretty funny, and completely against my perfered mode of operations.

I'm doing a lot of thinking, today, about What Is versus What I Want To Be or what I Plan For. I'm wanting to do all of these things, all of these creations and projects out in the world, and I've started many of these without undertaking something deeply crucial: Surveying the land, as it exists. As Sun-Tzu tells us, we have to know our terrain as well as possible, becoer we can seek to do battle on it, let alone win that battle. To that end, I'm trying to take an honest assessment, today, of what the world looks like, where I am.

The fact of the matter is, I'm a little needy, right now. I need a reassurance that I don't feel like I'm getting, and which I don't think will be available, for a long time. That isn't to say that there aren't people in my life who are willing, able, and actively engaged in supporting me in my endeavours; quite the opposite, in fact. The problem is, I'm on new ground, in a lot of my current projects, and whenever there seems to be a lapse in communication, I read it as "the other people involved have, for whatever reason, decided that they no longer want to deal with this, and rather than talk about it, just ceased." Because I have serious trust issues, blah blah blah.

The problems, as they stand, are that people have lives, and they have shit going on in them.

This is a too famailiar trope.

How do I believe that i can trust people? Because, even when I give them myself, on the whole, I feel the lurking fear. The sneaking suspicion of betrayal or disgust.

This is not what this entry was supposed to be about. But I can't talk about the details of what this was supposed to be about, and so we spiral in to the meaningless but ever-present bits of psychology.

So, instead, think of this: The lay of the land at the outset is what it is. People are who they are. Our plans and our interactions change this. Our actions change this.

When we choose to act, we change our world and we are changed by it. When we choose not act, we are still changed, regardless, but that change less present, and has to work harder to make itself known, and we call this "disruption of plans."

Look at what is, plan for what you want, communicate, and move with the changes.

That's all I got.

Time to go to work
wolven7: (Me)
I often feel guilt about having access to thing that others don't, or, more specifically, having an over-abundance of non-tranferable opportunity in areas in which people I know experience a dearth and experss a want. Why should this bother me? I mean, yeah it sucks, but, by my own admittance, there's nothing I can do about it.

Fear of being shunned. Fear of those who experience the dearth and want beginning to resent me, and leaving. It's about the fact that I don't want to lose people, ever, regardless of the reason.

Unreasonable? Yes, but psychologically and emotionally consistent.

Thing of it is, there's only so much I can do for other people to help them attain the things they want, and any resentment sent my way, after that? I'll have to wear as a badge of honour, I guess, because what the fuck else can really be asked of me? What else can I really ask of myself?

It's all messy, in here. It's been a weird fucking day.


wolven7: (Default)

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