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The Smiths - [Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me]--- And their name is Yellow Machinegun.

You have to find their music, and i recomend the song "Deep," if you can get your hands on it. Non-US release. Freaking awesome thing. Thank you to Seth, for introducing me to their stuff.

Yellow Machinegun - [The Reason of Number]--- That's all, for tonight.

Dreams.

I tend to use whatever my entertainment is, at the moment, as backdrop for my dreams.

I dreamed in the West Wing, last night. Many hours of political discussion, and politics-as-magical workings. A lot of stuff with CJ and Josh, and then there was something about a party, in the middle of The Mall, in downtown DC, only the mall was a lot closer in, and the party was like... a Thing you could do, to blow off steam. It was always there, waiting for whomever. Buildings were closer, like a combination of the Mall, and th Naval Yard. Something in the party part about stars falling, and people saying they wanted to have sex with me, but they didn't want to have sex with me. Then i woke up, while dreaming of mountains. The Himilayas, i think. This was at about 9.58.

I didn't get to bed, last night, until... well let's call it 3.30am. Technically, i woke up again, after that, and turned the TV off, at around 3.58, but, for simplicity's sake, we'll call it 3.30. 6.5 hours' sleep. I'm not pleased, because i can't get back to fucking sleep. So, i started looking around, for something important enough to keep me awake. Granted, in my half-sleep state, I did start thinking about subsribing to news papers, and reading them, in the morning... So i've been reading CNN and Newscientist, all morning. Well. All of the last twenty-three minutes...

Here's something fun: It's about Stem Cells. Can anyone say "Sabatoge?" I knew that you could.

I'm out. Things to do, this morning, though i've No idea what. Later.

This man gave me advice on Graduate school....

http://www.christiancentury.org/book_review_multiple_m.html?bpid=19

The Cure - [Fascination Street]--- Holy Shit. Cover article. Tim Renick is the fucking man.

The Smiths - [Bigmouth Strikes Again]--- Many of you already knew that, but, hey, it never hurts to restate.

In other news, i've been having really productive conversations, laterly, with people about my own personal problems, as well as practical life matters and living situations.

Imogen Heap - [Angry Angel]--- On that note, i'm out. Later.

Sometimes i wonder about myself...

Lush - [Heavenly Nobodies]--- Cognative dissonance.

OhGr - [EnDai]--- That's what i feel, a lot, recently. Recently meaning today. The Inability to reconcile my wants, drives, multitudes, because i'm getting Too Much of one side, and not the other. I can understand and justify the modes in my head that contradict, as long as i can see them in comparison, and show where the one feeds and justfies the other. But if i don't see them all.. there's nothing i can build, interconnect, yin-yang about.

PIG - [Blades (KMFDM Remix)]--- There are so many things i want. So much that drives me, and so much, in the worlds that i love, when i find them. There are so many things i find attractive about a person, and, honestly, that's how i choose my friends. Physical attractiveness is usually the lowest thing on the list, because i have a different standard. I believe that if you find someone mentally attractive, you w ill find them attractive, overall . But, recently (last few years), i've been confronted with people who are both intellecually and physically attractive, to me, and that... causes Issue, in my mind. Prime example: mech_angel. The person i find holistically attractive enough... Well. Yeah. She's... I don't have the words, so fuck it, moving on.

My point is that i'm not used to it. I'm not getting enough validation from my long terms, today. I'm not feeling it. And i feel like i'm falling backwards, in certain areas, because ther eare people in the world whose approval i still feel as if I need, in certain contexts. And that's not me, anymore. Rather, it wasn't, and i don't know what about those people has caused the relapse. I mean... I can fucking hate any of you at the drop of a hat, and i can love you again, the moment you give me reason. (Poe - [Spanish Doll]). I don't need your validation, but, yeah, sure i'll take it.

Appropriate song.

I'm tired. I'm very tired of waiting, and wanting, and not taking, and owning, and working but never matching. I'm tired. I love the work, or i wouldn't be doing it, sure... But i'm having more and more trouble, today, remembering Why i love the work...

Too externalised... My Black hole has ceased to be singular, and has gotten all fucking fuzzed up... And no one wants to listen, when i explain that the crushing point still exists, and allows you to birth yourself. It simply vibrates and resonnates in spirals and strings, rather than 0s and 1s, only....

I need a drink...

Cthulade, take me away....

Echoes, again...

Lizzie West - [Chariots Rise]--- Like my old self, in allthe ways that suck. Too many echoes and empty reflections. Again, empty in that they are not what i want. Who i want. How i want. To follow them, labyrinth-like, is ultimately dissatisfying, and fruitless. It breaks down too many things which are too important to me.

So, in one sense, there is discomfort, the ultimate outcome is far more worth it, yes. (Soft Cell - [Tainted Love (Full Version)]).

So, not a lot of payoff, int he goals department, of recent... I have to learn to let that be ok. It's difficult, because... It's difficult not to feel Owed something. It really is. But no one owes me shit, really, in terms of them, unless they think they do. That's not for me to determine. Just like i don't owe you shit, unless i say i do.

Gradschool preparation is kicking my ass, and i don't feel ready, at all. One of the smartest people i know is feeling out of place, and i don't even know that i'm ready. I also know that, if i wait, i'll not do it. Not on the timetable i've originally set... I'm Fucked. Or so it feels. I need something. Someone, in particular. But that's not feasible, at the moment. So... Yeah....

I've been ignorning guests, for quite some time now, and i invited them, so i'm going to go rectify that.

Tick. Fucking. Tock. Search: "Human."

I'm out....

{2.32am: You might be in the position to expand your professional reach today, WOLVEN. You could encounter important clients or investors. If you speak up and share your business vision with them, something magical could happen. In many ways, you have been preparing to make a bold leap. This could be the day to ask for that new job or that fresh opportunity for leadership. Chances are that you already have a solid record, so ask for what you really want!

Encouraging. G'night.

Dream Well}