Sometimes i wonder about myself...

[wolven7]

Lush - [Heavenly Nobodies]--- Cognative dissonance.

OhGr - [EnDai]--- That's what i feel, a lot, recently. Recently meaning today. The Inability to reconcile my wants, drives, multitudes, because i'm getting Too Much of one side, and not the other. I can understand and justify the modes in my head that contradict, as long as i can see them in comparison, and show where the one feeds and justfies the other. But if i don't see them all.. there's nothing i can build, interconnect, yin-yang about.

PIG - [Blades (KMFDM Remix)]--- There are so many things i want. So much that drives me, and so much, in the worlds that i love, when i find them. There are so many things i find attractive about a person, and, honestly, that's how i choose my friends. Physical attractiveness is usually the lowest thing on the list, because i have a different standard. I believe that if you find someone mentally attractive, you w ill find them attractive, overall . But, recently (last few years), i've been confronted with people who are both intellecually and physically attractive, to me, and that... causes Issue, in my mind. Prime example: mech_angel. The person i find holistically attractive enough... Well. Yeah. She's... I don't have the words, so fuck it, moving on.

My point is that i'm not used to it. I'm not getting enough validation from my long terms, today. I'm not feeling it. And i feel like i'm falling backwards, in certain areas, because ther eare people in the world whose approval i still feel as if I need, in certain contexts. And that's not me, anymore. Rather, it wasn't, and i don't know what about those people has caused the relapse. I mean... I can fucking hate any of you at the drop of a hat, and i can love you again, the moment you give me reason. (Poe - [Spanish Doll]). I don't need your validation, but, yeah, sure i'll take it.

Appropriate song.

I'm tired. I'm very tired of waiting, and wanting, and not taking, and owning, and working but never matching. I'm tired. I love the work, or i wouldn't be doing it, sure... But i'm having more and more trouble, today, remembering Why i love the work...

Too externalised... My Black hole has ceased to be singular, and has gotten all fucking fuzzed up... And no one wants to listen, when i explain that the crushing point still exists, and allows you to birth yourself. It simply vibrates and resonnates in spirals and strings, rather than 0s and 1s, only....

I need a drink...

Cthulade, take me away....

Comments

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

I wish I could be more helpful with this...But it's probably a passing worry. A recalibration needed, maybe, and a little judicious application of Fire. You want your favour returned?

Also wish I had some Cthulade. Except for having work tomorrow.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I don't know... I don't like the idea that i'm not able to do it on my own, as that's part of the thing making my head hurt, and cause issue, you know?

And yeah.. i know...

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

Just letting you know it's there if need be, then. And if not I'll get some some s'mores to roast while I cheer you on. ^_^

[wolven.livejournal.com]

You are so silly, and Thank You. *hugs*