There is something wrong with my brain.

[wolven7]

Rasputina - [My Orphanage]--- I got another B+ on a Critical Response. This bothers me. Greatly. Bothers me, in such large amount, that I am actually considering talking to my teachers, and trying to figure out what the fuck i'm doing wrong. I don't do that. Not ever. I have never needed to do this.

Tori Amos - [The Wrong Band]--- I don't know why this isn't A material, unless i'm doing too much summarisation of the articles, as a whole, and not enough of my own writing. I want the background there, for one thing, and for another, I want to make sure it can't be said that I didn't describe the author's position, well enough. This, within the constraints of length and content, makes it difficult to do everything that needs to be done. (QNTAL - [Palaestinalied]). Last time, it was 2.25 pages, with a lot of work and clarity. I don't know how to say these things more plainly...

I'm angry, with myself, for doing above average work, and there's something, there, blocking me from the level of excellence at which I would like to see myself.

There are many things wrong with my brain. My beautiful girlfriend has just reminded me that I am always very hard on myself. My mother reminded me, earlier, that I take (took) on the problems of others, far too often. To my own obvious detriment. (MC Chris - [Geek]). I've stopped playing counselor, so much as drill sergent, when brought problems. Maybe somewhere between.

I don't try to fix everything, for everyone, anymore. I could, and I know that, but that's not what I want for my life. And I really don't like the flavour of resentment. Spite, hatred, anger, sure. Not a fan of the feeling of people thinking you did somethin for them, because you didn't think they could do it, themselves. So I give tools. It's less draining, and I can focus, more. But there's something, here, still. Some set of sacrfices that aren't being properly performed. Some actions not being properly analysed and pre-thought. (Coldplay - [The Scientist]). I know this, because, as I say, I'm not doing the work I'd like to be doing. I'm in the 89-90 range, when I want 95 to be the lower limit. And no, it's not about the points.

I don't think i'm communicating my points effectively. Isn't that what this always comes to? I think that my professors are not quite getting what I'm saying, because i'm not quite saying it clearly enough, because i don't have the words, i don't have the skill i thought i had, to communicate. I'm worried.

I need to think about this, some more, and then send some e-mails. Set some appointments.

I'll see you later.

Comments

[mr-hinzelmann.livejournal.com]

I empathize with you. Welcome to graduate school - as sad as that is. You ought to go talk to them, pride issues aside, it tends to help. You have to remember that everyone against whom you are being judged has always been at the top of their game, and finding something more to give, some deeper level of analysis is hard, and learning how to convey it is even harder. You will find your footing, but it'll be abouth the time the "L. Frank Baum" syndrome passes. I can't give you better advice than that.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

It's true; by the time i figure out what's going on, the harder times will have, necessarily, passed.

Thank you.

[mendori.livejournal.com]

You know my experience with this.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Indeed. :\

[mendori.livejournal.com]

*bitter mouse*
Yes, ok, im bitter, but hey. I have a right to be. Nothing like doing the fucking square dance of the apocalypse with your proffs trying to get everything right and have your face smacked with a very rotted salmon of doubt. But you are doing by far better, and in a much better enviroment, than I was in a simmilar circumstances. Maybe you should try to play their game. If that doesnt work, dont fucking sit there and take it like i did. And besides, very soon I will be there with chainsaw in hand to stand along side you and cut a swath of bloody tenure between us as we work our way towards our MAs.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

That's some damned fun imagery :)

[mendori.livejournal.com]

I try my best. :)

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Well done.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

If you don't think you're including enough of your writing, try that. Then go to them, if that doesn't work. That is, in fact, part of what they're all there for.

And love, really. You're still making 89-90's, in GRAD SCHOOL. That amazes me, when I could barely keep 80+ in fucking Undergrad Art College.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I'm going to try re-writing, and taking it in, to him, to see what's what. I'll talk to Dr. McClymond, tomorrow, and see what she has to say about my thesis, as well as my most recent exam.

I still push myself. "True perfection is the constant striving to attain perfection." - Sun-Tzu

On the other hand: '"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be perfect."

'"Only if you're willing to fail."' - Sean and Julia, from "Nip/Tuck"

[pallandrome.livejournal.com]

Heh, you know my history on this. I'd flunk a class I could easily pass just to watch the grades burn. Not precisely the most mature response, but at least I had no doubt of my abilities. Point is, I always did crap the hard way, just because I KNOW I could do it the easy way, and the hard way was the challenge. Here, the hard way is forcing your work, without asking what the proff wants it to be. The easy way is to ask.

...oh, and don't make me slap you with a pillowcase filled with marshmallow cream to cheer you up. You know none of us would like that. Well, YOU wouldn't like that. I'd laugh. :D

[wolven.livejournal.com]

It's far harder for me to ask for help, most times, than it is to simply plow through.

And I'm not unhappy, just... Upset at some things.