It's true. It is a.
Apr. 28th, 2005 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Razed In Black - [Nightmare]--- I'm in this place of total disarray. I don't know what happened to me, where i poked and prodded so much that i got the teeth. Or a kick in my own. It was a Proprtional response, i felt. My work, my planning, my jobs, my expressions. I felt they were correct. And i was wrong.
I actually had the thought, this afternoon, while searching for documentation: "When am I going to wake up?" I thought it was a nightmare. But i remembered it too clearly, saw the stumbles, too well, because looking back on the past is a straight line, and always will be. You will always be able to see where you tripped the trap, and where you almost fell, but thought you caught yourself. (Crüxshadows - [Siren Song]). But you placed your hand, just so, and you didn't hear the *click* because you were too busy congratulating yourself, for being clever enough to put your hands in front of you. A monkey could have done that.
You look in front of you, and you see the maze, the growing shifting thing that is your life heart and mind. And you step, as best you can. Blind men walk the labyrinth, so you should be fine, right? "We travel his path." No we don't. We travel only our own, and, if we need, the paths converge, and they are Our Paths. They are not compatible. They are not mutually exclusive, and we can learn from each other. But they are not the same. Every view is different, and your pitfall is my stepping stone.
Tricky - [Ponderosa]--- I disrepair, tonight. I'm breaking it all apart, and starting over, again, like i mean to every day. I mean to take the lessons, and learn, but i haven't. I fucked up, to the tune of several weeks, and a few hundred dollars, and the planning and respect of my family. I didn't learn the lesson i was meant to learn, the first few times i ignored the warning of others, to my own detriment. Where's my brain? That's why you hit me. If i may be allowed to make an oblique Ferris/Cameron reference. I don't know what the fuck is wrong wth me, that i try these things, and fail, so often. I say how simple they are, how easy and elementary. They shouldn't waylay me, with a blow to the fucking temple, then, should they?
Astrud Gilberto - [Here's That Rainy Day (Koop Remix)]--- I should have listened. I should have seen it coming, and should have checked the math, checked the facts, at least followed up. So this is the time, now, to take stock. To break it down, and examine each piece, in the light, to see what i'm doing, and to notice if i'm fucking up. If you have anything to add, please do.
No this isn't me fishing for pity. I want you to Tell me, if you think I'm Fucking Up. Tell me where, how, and what you discern of a pattern. Not just now, but in the future, for the rest of the course of my knowing you.
I feel kind of sick, so i'm going to go be still, for a while.
Don't fuck up, too much.
I actually had the thought, this afternoon, while searching for documentation: "When am I going to wake up?" I thought it was a nightmare. But i remembered it too clearly, saw the stumbles, too well, because looking back on the past is a straight line, and always will be. You will always be able to see where you tripped the trap, and where you almost fell, but thought you caught yourself. (Crüxshadows - [Siren Song]). But you placed your hand, just so, and you didn't hear the *click* because you were too busy congratulating yourself, for being clever enough to put your hands in front of you. A monkey could have done that.
You look in front of you, and you see the maze, the growing shifting thing that is your life heart and mind. And you step, as best you can. Blind men walk the labyrinth, so you should be fine, right? "We travel his path." No we don't. We travel only our own, and, if we need, the paths converge, and they are Our Paths. They are not compatible. They are not mutually exclusive, and we can learn from each other. But they are not the same. Every view is different, and your pitfall is my stepping stone.
Tricky - [Ponderosa]--- I disrepair, tonight. I'm breaking it all apart, and starting over, again, like i mean to every day. I mean to take the lessons, and learn, but i haven't. I fucked up, to the tune of several weeks, and a few hundred dollars, and the planning and respect of my family. I didn't learn the lesson i was meant to learn, the first few times i ignored the warning of others, to my own detriment. Where's my brain? That's why you hit me. If i may be allowed to make an oblique Ferris/Cameron reference. I don't know what the fuck is wrong wth me, that i try these things, and fail, so often. I say how simple they are, how easy and elementary. They shouldn't waylay me, with a blow to the fucking temple, then, should they?
Astrud Gilberto - [Here's That Rainy Day (Koop Remix)]--- I should have listened. I should have seen it coming, and should have checked the math, checked the facts, at least followed up. So this is the time, now, to take stock. To break it down, and examine each piece, in the light, to see what i'm doing, and to notice if i'm fucking up. If you have anything to add, please do.
No this isn't me fishing for pity. I want you to Tell me, if you think I'm Fucking Up. Tell me where, how, and what you discern of a pattern. Not just now, but in the future, for the rest of the course of my knowing you.
I feel kind of sick, so i'm going to go be still, for a while.
Don't fuck up, too much.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-29 03:37 am (UTC)no subject
no subject
Date: 2005-04-29 04:07 am (UTC)no subject
*om*
Date: 2005-04-29 04:08 am (UTC)Re: *om*
Defensive
Date: 2005-04-29 01:23 pm (UTC)Yeah, it's a couple hundred dollars. Remember a few things: You won't lose your family's respect over this. If I'm any indication, you can still finish these things just fine. And lighten up. Take it as a lesson on paying close attention, if you must, but don't let it harden your skin. Don't let it teach you not to relax, 'kay?
Re: Defensive
They planned, and were heading down here. From DC. I'm not going to "lighten up," until i'm relatively sure that i'm not going to allow myself to do this, again. Relaxation, here, is not going to help the situation. The situation is over and done. The only thing that will help it is my moving on. That doesn't mean i have to like it, or be ok with it. It just means i have to Let it Go.
I let my family down, and no, that's not just me projecting. And even if it were, then i let MYSELF down, on a number of levels. And i did it with broad strokes...
Yup yup
Date: 2005-04-29 04:31 pm (UTC)I stand by my statement that this event will not cause you to lose the respect of your family; call you to examine whether that is true or not; meditate on that.
And I disagree regarding relaxing helping or not helping. From what I've seen in your posts you've got enough recrimination to keep this kind of thing away from your life for a good while, if not forever. As a friend I'd like to see you stop bleeding as soon as you can. The poison's out; quit gnawing on it. That kind of thing's all I mean by lighten up.
From the epilogue you wrote, that looks to be the plan. As a friend I'd also like to see you smiling again, and upon careful discernment I don't feel that's entirely for selfish reasons.
Another bit of kid-voice to counter would be this: You didn't fail in all things when you failed in one. Maybe you've already dealt with that kid-voice. Just a reminder that you've probably got a voice lying and telling you everything failed just 'cause you didn't do as you wanted in one instance.
And that's it. I'm done. I apologize for any words here you already knew; I don't want you to think I don't trust you to remember them.
Re: Yup yup
Now that that's over, i have a paper to write... *sigh*