Interpersonal Exorcism
Apr. 3rd, 2005 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Banishment of the thoughts and hurts, right now, is requiring more strength, more patience than i feel i have, within me, to give. At least not alone. I am feeling betrayed, put upon, hurt, and alone, and everything i try to do to fix it gets spit at and jeered at, in turn.
I am removing the rotting, festering, infected, and/or dead elements of my life. I am going to try, one more time, very hard, to talk. To get you to understand that talking to me about whatever problem you have, with me-- from bread to behaviours-- is the easiest way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I am exorcising the bad spirits. (Dead Milkmen - [Instant Club Hit (You'll Dance to Anything)]). I'm doing it with words, and work, and understanding. If you don't want to deal with that, if you don't want to be open and honest, as much as possible (everybody fucks up, everyone gets pissy, every once in a while), then you can leave.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having passive aggressive arguments, with the people with whom i live, i'm tired of living with people who can't, or who refuse to communicate. (Ani DiFranco - [Studying Stones]). No, i'm not perfect, and i'm not saying i am, in this context, but i Do provide... a set of equations by which one might approach and understand. Improvisation on a theme will always be necessary, but i'm going to try to make it easy to "get" me. If you put forth a little effort.
I get bitchy, i get moody, angry, distant, cold, whatever. I do, and i know this. But i tend to tell you, when i do that. If it's about you, you'll know. If you've pissed me off, you'll know very quickly, by my A) trying to figure out what's gone wrong, and B) my telling you. I get upset at things, and people around me get the backlash. This is True. This is the way of things. I apologise, and i mean it, because i don't mean to hurt the people about whom i care, unless they've requested that i do said. (Meg Lee Chin - [Nutopia]). But when i tell you the nature of a thing, within yourself, and you turn around and make me the source of that issue, then you are treading on squishy, gritty ground, with snakes in. There are problems, with this picture.
I tell what i see, when asked (and when not), and i do it gladly, hoping, thinking maybe people will listen, like they say they're going to. When i ask, that's all i want, in return. Tell me what you see, as you see it. Tell me the nature of your problem(s), with me, what i'm doing that makes you hate me, uncomfortable with me, pained by watching me. Tell me, when i ask. Tell me when i don't ask, and you need to.
Tell me or step to the side, please.
That there are degrees of interaction and investment, is something i'm just beginning to appreciate. (English Beat - [Mirror In The Bathroom]). It's difficult for me to understand anything other than total investment in a cause, at least for my ends and purposes. Pragmatic Fanaticism, in that way. This goes double for people. So, when trust is broken, or a rift is created, for any reason, it's really difficult for me to deal with that, in small steps.
Gary Numan - [Dark]--- My friends are my friends are my friends, until they fuck me over, many times, without telling me why, at which point, they can go fuck themselves.
Not to put too fine a point on it.
{8.37pm:The Police - [Don't Stand So Close to Me]--- However, th8is was all revelation, decision, by the vehicle of disassociation. What really matters, about last night, is that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tribeofone, and mr_hinzelmann had damn fine nights. So, mission accomplished.}
I am removing the rotting, festering, infected, and/or dead elements of my life. I am going to try, one more time, very hard, to talk. To get you to understand that talking to me about whatever problem you have, with me-- from bread to behaviours-- is the easiest way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I am exorcising the bad spirits. (Dead Milkmen - [Instant Club Hit (You'll Dance to Anything)]). I'm doing it with words, and work, and understanding. If you don't want to deal with that, if you don't want to be open and honest, as much as possible (everybody fucks up, everyone gets pissy, every once in a while), then you can leave.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having passive aggressive arguments, with the people with whom i live, i'm tired of living with people who can't, or who refuse to communicate. (Ani DiFranco - [Studying Stones]). No, i'm not perfect, and i'm not saying i am, in this context, but i Do provide... a set of equations by which one might approach and understand. Improvisation on a theme will always be necessary, but i'm going to try to make it easy to "get" me. If you put forth a little effort.
I get bitchy, i get moody, angry, distant, cold, whatever. I do, and i know this. But i tend to tell you, when i do that. If it's about you, you'll know. If you've pissed me off, you'll know very quickly, by my A) trying to figure out what's gone wrong, and B) my telling you. I get upset at things, and people around me get the backlash. This is True. This is the way of things. I apologise, and i mean it, because i don't mean to hurt the people about whom i care, unless they've requested that i do said. (Meg Lee Chin - [Nutopia]). But when i tell you the nature of a thing, within yourself, and you turn around and make me the source of that issue, then you are treading on squishy, gritty ground, with snakes in. There are problems, with this picture.
I tell what i see, when asked (and when not), and i do it gladly, hoping, thinking maybe people will listen, like they say they're going to. When i ask, that's all i want, in return. Tell me what you see, as you see it. Tell me the nature of your problem(s), with me, what i'm doing that makes you hate me, uncomfortable with me, pained by watching me. Tell me, when i ask. Tell me when i don't ask, and you need to.
Tell me or step to the side, please.
That there are degrees of interaction and investment, is something i'm just beginning to appreciate. (English Beat - [Mirror In The Bathroom]). It's difficult for me to understand anything other than total investment in a cause, at least for my ends and purposes. Pragmatic Fanaticism, in that way. This goes double for people. So, when trust is broken, or a rift is created, for any reason, it's really difficult for me to deal with that, in small steps.
Gary Numan - [Dark]--- My friends are my friends are my friends, until they fuck me over, many times, without telling me why, at which point, they can go fuck themselves.
Not to put too fine a point on it.
{8.37pm:The Police - [Don't Stand So Close to Me]--- However, th8is was all revelation, decision, by the vehicle of disassociation. What really matters, about last night, is that
tribeofone, and mr_hinzelmann had damn fine nights. So, mission accomplished.}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-04-04 12:45 am (UTC)There are people who refuse to be happy and enjoy their lifes. I tell them that they are crazy and they just don't listen. They hear the sounds but they don't seem to care enough to process the information. Th It is not my job to change people's minds. It is my job to live my life and accept responsibility for my actions. Or as I like to put it, "All I can do is all I can do."
no subject
Heheheh.
And yes. You're right, but it is my job to show them how it could be better.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-04 04:56 am (UTC)[insert brief break to make Puppy tired]
I still say go for a nice, quiet slip into Void, then do what you must. It'll calm you regarding the whole thing. *kiss*
no subject
But hey, sacrifices, right?
no subject
Date: 2005-04-04 05:53 am (UTC)It should be noted that I have never fucked you over that I know of.
It should also be noted that you seem to have such an attitude toward me anyway.
That being said, I wonder if I'm even your friend.
no subject
I'm Sorry. I'm trying to repair whatever it is that i did, so i don't do it again, because i like being your friend.
But i said that already.
An Exercism?
Date: 2005-04-05 04:03 am (UTC)I have been avoiding the whole issue of our friendship mainly because for one I am afraid of you and what you will do and 2 because whenever I try to tell you something and you try and fix it it only lasts a few weeks and your right back at square one...
I am afraid of you because of your temper... you fly off the handle when a convo does not go your way... you then take it out on innocent people... and you then destroy something in the house or other wise..
and because you yell and scream at me I feel you don't respect me... on that note you also seem to only be nice to me when someone else is around... I seem to be the only one that really gets yelled at at the house when i have done nothing wrong... and you seem to think I do not have my own opinion... and when I say that I mean you seem to think that my opinion is influencd by Devin and it does not.
Like I said I'v been avoiding this for a long time but I feel I cannot hol it in anymore and I needed to say something... I'm sorry that it's like this but like I said I am afraid to even talk to you about this in person because I am afraid you will scream at me.
Re: An Exercism?
I don't think that you only have Devin's opinions. I do think that the opinions of you and Devin influence each other. That is... the nature of a Relationship.
I'm not nice to you, because i feel we have other things to work out, more than simple chit-chat. There are larger things, here.
I'd rather do this, in person, but if you'd rather not, then fine: You bitch about things, and don't work to change them. You bitch about other people bitching. We all do it. We get lazy, and distracted, and nothing gets done. It really does upset me. I've cleaned the entire house three times, in two days. That's a little weird, to have to do.
I want to work toward long term fixes (in this and other things), but every time i do, things... just get worse. People bitch, or hide from it, or we all get defensive, in our own ways. I get angry and violent, because i get frustrated. Not because things aren't going "my way," but because they aren't going Anywhere.
I wanted to talk to you, last night. You had gone to sleep, already, but i wanted to apologise, if i had been being unreasonably assholish, or rude. As i said before, i don't only yell at you; but i Did yell at you, because i expected better, from you.
Things are getting very fucked up, around here, lately. I want things to work, to grow, to be a type of place, where people can actually get shit done. And i'm also tired of being a scapegoat.
Yes, i get in bad moods, yes i get angry, but i do Not think that i'm being unreasonably upset. I don't think this is coming from No where. I'm tired of having my concerns dismissed as me being bitchy, or over-reacting, when i raise them. I don't get mad, until i've asked, nicely, and nothing gets done.
No, i'm not perfect or blameless, here. No one is.