A nice old lady gave me a one dollar tip, today.

[wolven7]

MC Paul Barman - [MC Fibonacci Sequence]--- Keep in mind, i'm quitting smoking, tonight. Things may get a little quiet, or tense, around these reading parts, soon. I just finished re-reading Transmet, again. (Republica - [Ready To Go]). I appreciate it more and more every time.

I'm really here to vent something, surprise surprise. I don't like dressing up, for Hallowe'en. I don't like putting on masks, and hiding me. I don't like "being something else," because i spent years trying to figure out what the fuck it meantt to be me. I took a nice long look at myself, over the years, and found out that anything i could pretend to be, i already am. And you know what else? I'm the scariest fucking thing i know.

People ask me, every year, what i'm going as, and each year i tell them "Myself, because i'm scary enough." They tend to scoff and roll their eyes, but it's the fucking truth. I don't like pretending, anymore, and i never really did, when i was a kid. When i was a kid, i wanted everything i "pretended" to be real; now that i'm a nominal adult, i'm working toward making it so. (VNV Nation - [Beloved (Live)]). There is nothing i could pretend to be, that i'm not, already, in some form or another, and when i find something that synchs with me (Grendel, this year), i can never perfect and personalise it, to the degree that i'd like.

So, i like to go as myself. When i think back on the things i've done, the things i Am, the things i'm planning to do, the places i've been.. i think that fits.

Manifesting horns and raven wings, aside, what else is there?

Comments

I recall the same

[karishi.livejournal.com]

That frustration in wearing skeleton makeup and walking down the street and thinking:
No. I did not want to go out as a little boy in makeup. I wanted to go as a Death Knight.
And wondering why my parents were trying to pawn me off on this...this falsity.

Re: I recall the same

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Exactly. All of my wants to have superpowers, to do huge things, whatever, all of that stemmed from something already In Me. Something i already was. There are very few things that i "pretended" to be, as a kidd, that i've not done and been, since then.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

Trying to make myself tonight, both here and as more, and it's all in fun, so it won't be too frustrating, I think. It's all about...experimenting, for me. And fun. If it's not fuin, it's an annoyance and uncomfortable.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I really want pictures.