It's something i've never quite "Gotten."
Aug. 18th, 2004 12:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Johnny Cash - [Hurt]--- We all know my tendencies to be really strange about my interactions, yes. We know that i dissect them, and that certain levels and phenomena bewilder or... confound me. (Razed In Black - [Nightmare]). I don't understand things, except that i do, so i gues i simply don't like, or want to accept them. I'm talking, again, about people you like.
You have interactions with people, and you laugh at each other, and enjoy each other's company, but there are these arm's length barriers, and you try to ply through them, if you care, and all the while they sit there, and drink, and build them up, further. People who know you, to a point, and want it that way. People who know you, in a context, and only want that context. I find that... strange.
I'm a standoffish person. I'm mean, and terse, much of the time, if i've had a rough day, and i feel that "Need For Approval" vibe, too much... I clam up, and i start bristling. It's part of me, except when i don't do it. When i realise i'm doing it, i try to be more open, and not as hostile... It doesn't always work, but i do try... That's me.
My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult - [Lucifer's Flowers]--- My contextual lines are all fucked up, recently. People thinking i'm sending them signals, when i'm not, people thinking i'm asking of them, when i'm not, or not noticing, when i'm Standing there saying "Hey. Can i Talk To You?" Crossed wires, and people dealing with their own shit, and right now all i want is more autonomy. I'd like that, much. The ability to interact as suited, not as was imposed, or felt obliged. The ability to go up a mountain that wasn't simply stairs, and a locked door.
But i don't have that, yet, and i won't for a bit. So until then, there's the conversations i try to have, that go well, for a time, until i question the motives, or take it too far. The questioning often breaks the comfort barrier. And sometimes it doesn't.
We'll have to see, won't we. Yes, we certainly will.
You have interactions with people, and you laugh at each other, and enjoy each other's company, but there are these arm's length barriers, and you try to ply through them, if you care, and all the while they sit there, and drink, and build them up, further. People who know you, to a point, and want it that way. People who know you, in a context, and only want that context. I find that... strange.
I'm a standoffish person. I'm mean, and terse, much of the time, if i've had a rough day, and i feel that "Need For Approval" vibe, too much... I clam up, and i start bristling. It's part of me, except when i don't do it. When i realise i'm doing it, i try to be more open, and not as hostile... It doesn't always work, but i do try... That's me.
My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult - [Lucifer's Flowers]--- My contextual lines are all fucked up, recently. People thinking i'm sending them signals, when i'm not, people thinking i'm asking of them, when i'm not, or not noticing, when i'm Standing there saying "Hey. Can i Talk To You?" Crossed wires, and people dealing with their own shit, and right now all i want is more autonomy. I'd like that, much. The ability to interact as suited, not as was imposed, or felt obliged. The ability to go up a mountain that wasn't simply stairs, and a locked door.
But i don't have that, yet, and i won't for a bit. So until then, there's the conversations i try to have, that go well, for a time, until i question the motives, or take it too far. The questioning often breaks the comfort barrier. And sometimes it doesn't.
We'll have to see, won't we. Yes, we certainly will.
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Date: 2004-08-17 10:14 pm (UTC)Mrf. Reception's fucked everywhere, btw.
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And yeah, i know... Getting a bit clearer, this end, but not much.