"Though afraid, my sleeper must awake; so i've used up all and left this time..."

[wolven7]

Deadsy - [The Elements]--- Did s ome Zen and Shinto studying, today, and that went rather well... I was able to bring all the plans for rides together at, literally, the last minuite, so we made it there, a bit late. The more i hang out with people from my classes, the more i realise i really like some of them. They have good ideas, and interesting senses of humour. Some people... some people need to loosen up, a bit, though. It's like.. maybe they don't know how to react, and all anyone's doing is being themselves, and joking. It could be a great time.

Anyway. I'm thinking about shit that i let slip, from my life. I'm thinking about the fact that, in retrospect, i do not regret my actions, but i lament the actions of my parents, in certain respects. I think that, in reality, they gave me too much choice, in my own directings. (Deadsy - [Le Cirque En Rose (Obsolescence)]). They let me choose whether to take more languages, whether to continue with my saxaphone, whether to engage in certain programs, and so on. They saw that i had the capability to engage in all of it, to apprehend all of it, and that, with a slight twisting, i could have been shown how to make any of it enjoyable, or, at the least, rewarding to future efforts. Or maybe that's my hindsight, being 20/20. I don't deny that as a possibility, at all... Wishing different things for my future-- paths that, were i to take them, now, would be infinitely more difficult, than when i was younger. Maths to relearn, pathways and language centres to re-open. Estimations of worth and capability, in the now, shrunken from Then.

And maybe, just maybe, it's not only about defeat, but level of difficulty; maybe if i think it's going to be hard, it will be. Or maybe i'm assessing it correctly, and it will be more difficult, no matter my attitude, and the only thing that will change is my varying degree of more difficulty. (Deadsy - [She Likes Big Words]). "We do not deal in possibilites, we deal in potentialities."

Thinking thinking thinking...

I want to go about my life with knowledge of languages, and deeper undertandings of quantum functions, and the nature of probablity, and how that works almost directly against the idea of a deterministic universe. Have the facts and knowledges to back up my deep instinctual knowledge that determinism and free will interloock with and feed upon one another... Be able to play a Bach fugue, on an organ or a piano, or Clavier or harpsicord... I want to learn violin, and guitar... And all of that takes time and money which would be... difficult for me to aqcuire, at this stage... Except piano. I know someone who could teach me piano. But that simply raises the issue of my... learning, directly from my friends. (Deadsy - [Flowing Glower]). Potential embarassment factor. Yes. I don't like my friends to see me in a state of ignorance... even if it is, because i'm fixing that state... Means i didn't know it already...

Stupid of me, i know. I'm stupid sometimes. We deal with that.

I'm going to go now.

Later

{1.01am: Part of your mind will be floating in dream space today, WOLVEN. Your head could be filled with fantasies. You could be mentally reviewing the movie that you watched last night. Or you may be daydreaming about a special someone. Don't fight against this dreamy energy. Try to take advantage of some of the images that spring to life in your mind, giving them space to grow artistically. Your muse is whispering to you; listen.

Yeah.}

Comments

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

See, your Horrorscope is being Useful...Mine's just being an asshole.

I do this shit all the time. It never gets me anywhere but wallowing in Bad Shit. 'What if..?' and 'Why Didn't I..?' But there's really nothing that can be done, about that. See where you are, and the surprises that have happened, instead, and how wonderful they can be.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I am... Not in a place of surprises... I'm in a place of potentiality, and probability. It's not so much moping as wishing, and using that wishing in order that i may drive forward, and get there, through where i already am. Because I Still Want Those Things.

And "It's never too late to be who you might've been." - George Eliot

She was a smart lady.