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wolven7I can't stop eating Peacan Spinwheels.
My arms hurt, due to the fact that today's meditation was replaced with lots of exercise, and i'm pretty ok with that. i did, eventually, get more sleep, though, and that was good. Had an odd dream, there, about Justice league stuff, Christopher Walken, me, and Superman. Infiltrating some building. It was good times. Weird, but good. So, yeah.
Recently, there's been a lot of... Fuck it. Fuck recently, fuck cleanly. There are infinite skeins of drama, going on, all the time, which is part of the thinkg that makes up life, you know? People get pissed with each other, fight, argue, change ideals and parameters of interpersonal relationships, and that's what's supposed to happen, according to the way we've defined a lot of this society, for a long time. But the part of it that gets me, the bit that i can never seem to simply accept, and move on from, is the part where people say they don't want it... And then move to react to it, or perpetuate it. It makes sense, as an unconscious manifestation, and perpetating the states which allow us to grow, and change, yes, but... i'm a big fan of Knowing the uncoinscious mind. Seeing where and why it goes.
If you don't want drama, don't perpetuate drama. Don't react to it, don't acknowledge it. Ignore it. Rise above it. State your version once, clearly, if you must-- if it can't be seen, through your actions-- and then fuck everything else to hell and gone. Not necessary to continually react, unless you simply need to be right, be known, be whatever. And that's only going to cause more "Drama," in the long run. It's bull shit, and if we'd stop for a second we'd see it's bullshit.
----
Lately, i've been kind of lonely, wanting to feel like i can go to the people around me, and talk about the things that are on my mind. Wanting to know that, if i did, it'd be an even exchange and discussion. Pathos. I worry, recently, that (adolescently enough) no one gets me, and that no one cares to. That the moves made are for the sake of... Interest, yes, but... Something. Anyway, i have the irrational fear that, one day, i'll ook up, and everyone about whom i care will be gone, wanting nothing more to do with me, my works, or my ideals... Well. Almost everyone... Certain people i simply can't see leaving... And i hate even putting that kind of an... assumption? on things.
I have, beneath the bluster and humbled arrogance, for anyone paying a fucking tention, very low sense of self-esteem. My sense of self-worth? High. Self-esteem? Can run the gammut. And i don't know... what to do to change that. How to see myself as... How to Believe that Others see me as-- If others see me as-- worth something. And i really don't know why i doubt it. Why i can't simply take the fact that people are Here, as their watch and warrant. That they subject themselves to me... And i guess it'd be a combination of the fact that people do say things they don't do, a don't mean, and all kinds of crazy shit like that... Even, sometimes, the ones conscious of that state of things. So i worry, and i worry about me doing it, too...
Worry, worry worry. That's me, lately. And i still didn't call people. But i did get exercise, songs, and an episode of Zim, today. Going to continue to try to clear out my headspace, so i can sleep better, at night. Literally.
Later.
My arms hurt, due to the fact that today's meditation was replaced with lots of exercise, and i'm pretty ok with that. i did, eventually, get more sleep, though, and that was good. Had an odd dream, there, about Justice league stuff, Christopher Walken, me, and Superman. Infiltrating some building. It was good times. Weird, but good. So, yeah.
Recently, there's been a lot of... Fuck it. Fuck recently, fuck cleanly. There are infinite skeins of drama, going on, all the time, which is part of the thinkg that makes up life, you know? People get pissed with each other, fight, argue, change ideals and parameters of interpersonal relationships, and that's what's supposed to happen, according to the way we've defined a lot of this society, for a long time. But the part of it that gets me, the bit that i can never seem to simply accept, and move on from, is the part where people say they don't want it... And then move to react to it, or perpetuate it. It makes sense, as an unconscious manifestation, and perpetating the states which allow us to grow, and change, yes, but... i'm a big fan of Knowing the uncoinscious mind. Seeing where and why it goes.
If you don't want drama, don't perpetuate drama. Don't react to it, don't acknowledge it. Ignore it. Rise above it. State your version once, clearly, if you must-- if it can't be seen, through your actions-- and then fuck everything else to hell and gone. Not necessary to continually react, unless you simply need to be right, be known, be whatever. And that's only going to cause more "Drama," in the long run. It's bull shit, and if we'd stop for a second we'd see it's bullshit.
----
Lately, i've been kind of lonely, wanting to feel like i can go to the people around me, and talk about the things that are on my mind. Wanting to know that, if i did, it'd be an even exchange and discussion. Pathos. I worry, recently, that (adolescently enough) no one gets me, and that no one cares to. That the moves made are for the sake of... Interest, yes, but... Something. Anyway, i have the irrational fear that, one day, i'll ook up, and everyone about whom i care will be gone, wanting nothing more to do with me, my works, or my ideals... Well. Almost everyone... Certain people i simply can't see leaving... And i hate even putting that kind of an... assumption? on things.
I have, beneath the bluster and humbled arrogance, for anyone paying a fucking tention, very low sense of self-esteem. My sense of self-worth? High. Self-esteem? Can run the gammut. And i don't know... what to do to change that. How to see myself as... How to Believe that Others see me as-- If others see me as-- worth something. And i really don't know why i doubt it. Why i can't simply take the fact that people are Here, as their watch and warrant. That they subject themselves to me... And i guess it'd be a combination of the fact that people do say things they don't do, a don't mean, and all kinds of crazy shit like that... Even, sometimes, the ones conscious of that state of things. So i worry, and i worry about me doing it, too...
Worry, worry worry. That's me, lately. And i still didn't call people. But i did get exercise, songs, and an episode of Zim, today. Going to continue to try to clear out my headspace, so i can sleep better, at night. Literally.
Later.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:34 am (UTC)Things with momentary lapses and varying levels. It's so hard to even them out when you've ingrained that vacillation. Especially when the Outside seems to exit to beat them down.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:39 am (UTC)And the exercise? Odd. I ended up doing that too, only it was helping clean out the downstairs storage and straighten a bunch of heavy shelving pieces.
Re:
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 12:49 pm (UTC)-Elizabeth
Re: