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wolven7VNV Nation - [Epicentre]--- I haven't actually Listened to this song, in a long while... The utter defiance, in me, of every perception of myself simply hasn't been there... It's been replaced with a kind of... accepting apathy. And i can't say that i like that. But i'm surrounded, day in, and day out, by people who tell me that what i care about doesn't matter. That i shouldn't care. That things shouldn't bother me. And i've let myself believe them. I've lost what fire i had... And i never really cared about myself. Things that i talk about, here, about myself, are minor triumphs, or annoyances... The truly affecting, touching things, all spring from outside... What does that say?
Nothing Inside. I feel like i've given up, and allowed myself to become one of the Many... Like i've slowly acclimated and adapted myself, yes, but in a Bad way; in a way that allows for nothing but mimicry. An aping of style, and form. Perhaps this is why i can't find my muse. Not derivative, but imitative. My roommate, my friends, the people i know, here-- that is, on the ethereal inter-web-- are all to be found, in my mannerism, and speech patterns. (God Lives Underwater - [Happy]). And i feel like a waste of fucking human flesh, because of it. Where am I, in all of this? Where is the Wolven that cared, and acted, and did things, and tried to get others to do the same? I think that it's time to re-find that, perhaps...
And there... the in-statement acknowledgement of the inability to decisively act.
Every word out of my mouth, put down, because, maybe, it's the same old shit? Because people honestly Don't Care? What have i said, recently, that's done any good? Do i talk to you, here, and say anything that helps? Do i teach you lessons about anything but my own banality, and insipid nature? It honestly doesn't seem like i do... It feels like i either bitch and moan about some little thing, or make a large whoodly-doo about something that has very little to do with me, personally.
Poe - [Five and a Half Minute Hallway]--- Shit... I don't know what i meant to write, when i started this, here, but it wasn't this. I've nothing with which to replace it, though, and i don't like Un-Writing that which is written... I like to change the circumstances, and the nature of it, to make those words irrelevant... but the words should still have their essence, there, somewhere................................ ..................................
................... ................. And maybe that's the problem.
Dreams
Nothing Inside. I feel like i've given up, and allowed myself to become one of the Many... Like i've slowly acclimated and adapted myself, yes, but in a Bad way; in a way that allows for nothing but mimicry. An aping of style, and form. Perhaps this is why i can't find my muse. Not derivative, but imitative. My roommate, my friends, the people i know, here-- that is, on the ethereal inter-web-- are all to be found, in my mannerism, and speech patterns. (God Lives Underwater - [Happy]). And i feel like a waste of fucking human flesh, because of it. Where am I, in all of this? Where is the Wolven that cared, and acted, and did things, and tried to get others to do the same? I think that it's time to re-find that, perhaps...
And there... the in-statement acknowledgement of the inability to decisively act.
Every word out of my mouth, put down, because, maybe, it's the same old shit? Because people honestly Don't Care? What have i said, recently, that's done any good? Do i talk to you, here, and say anything that helps? Do i teach you lessons about anything but my own banality, and insipid nature? It honestly doesn't seem like i do... It feels like i either bitch and moan about some little thing, or make a large whoodly-doo about something that has very little to do with me, personally.
Poe - [Five and a Half Minute Hallway]--- Shit... I don't know what i meant to write, when i started this, here, but it wasn't this. I've nothing with which to replace it, though, and i don't like Un-Writing that which is written... I like to change the circumstances, and the nature of it, to make those words irrelevant... but the words should still have their essence, there, somewhere................................ ..................................
................... ................. And maybe that's the problem.
Dreams
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Re: hope
Date: 2003-04-26 01:27 am (UTC)If i need an outside force to Drive me, then the problem simply isn't solved... And i look inside, and i see... very little...
*hugs* Thank you, though.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-26 05:36 pm (UTC)I highlight the part of "banality" and "insipid nature" with the reason even if it was true. Lessons about the man next to you are ALWAYS beneficial in some way. Writing (even pure bullshit) out is the easiest way to come to know one's thoughts. And I do not think that thoughts are the complete essence of a person. So if the thoughts come out half-baked, lopsided and sinking down into the pan....something is still learned be you speaking by me listening. Even if you were just inane rambles amounting to nothing...even so the most absurd person ever. It would still benefit all to know people like you exist. Everything can be used for future reference. Even the memory of others feelings and thoughts. Forgive me I ramble. End point cutely put: I.like.you.keep.speaking.
Thank you.
These thoguhts brought to you in an effort to kick the ever living shit out of myself, for growing anywhere near stagnant. So no worries. I've realised what it's going to take, to get me where i need to be... :)
Aping?
Date: 2003-04-27 02:05 pm (UTC)Sometimes I pick up on Jyn's judgments, and begin to judge others the same way, and sometimes it is legitimate, and sometimes not, and when it is not, my doing so is NOT AT ALL OKAY.
hm.
A point she raised, a worry. Seeing it again here, I wonder if there is credence.
She wondered whether you get too deeply into copying someone cool, be it Morpheus, Spider, Nny, or anybody else, that you create nothing new of the melding, that you might be copying their flaws, but in a bad way...
And so forth. Something to consider.
Re: Aping?
Date: 2003-04-27 02:32 pm (UTC)Trust me, it's been considered.
Something for you to consider, though: The reason i'm drawn to them-- the characters, the people, whatever-- is because of what i see of myself, in them.