Tori Amos - [General Joy]--- I don't do certain things, at parties, anymore. I don't declare "Shirtless O'Clock" (an idea which I blatantly stole from Mac Hall), I don't tell the stories of parties past, I don't force people to drink Cthulade.
I don't care about getting older, in the same way that many people do. When I became a man, I didn't put away childish things, so much as I found and explored the "adult" expressions of those same urges. (Tool - [Vicarious]). I've long lamented the fact that things I find fun, now, I still find fun. But... Not if other people aren't sharing in them, with me... I have become old, and stuffy, by proxy.
I am not comfortable with new people, and the people with whom I Am Comfortable are no longer comfortable in those situations, with me. And so, I find myself asking, "What Next?" Where do we go when the edges and boundaries I want to explore aren't exhausted, yet, for me, but for you, they're old hat, or simply uncomfortable?
I want to test the liminality, again, as I find great joy in the finding, in the exploration and the testing, and I don't necessarily have a preset comfort level. But your comfort level is not mine, and I find that decorum necessitates I demure to the desires of the supposedly or potentially injured party. (Screamin' Jay Hawkins - [Orange Colored Sky]). Why? Because I don't have a preference that won't cause them mental or emotional harm. And having you around in awkward half-expressed needs-to-know, is better than not having you around at all, isn't it?
Thiss is my problem: I want to know varying intimate details, uncomfortable things, tricky twisty places deep in and under, near a rib, perhaps, because it pushes. (cEvin Key - [Klora]). I like to tempt, to corrupt, to get you to open up to me, because it means that the n-dimensional conceptual organism that is YouAndMe grows, matures, evolves, Adapts... Changes. But I don't know what you want. Or, rather, I don't know how to get you to say what you want, and when I test, tease, probe the borders, it may make you uncomfortable... and you shy away. Opposite octave reaction, as Scott Weiland would say.
The Little Willies - [Love Me]--- Don't be so vain. This song isn't necessarily about you. This is the truth of my interactions with nearly everyone I know, and it is the crux and sticking POINT for any collaboration I have ever attempted. I Want Something Different From You. And I don't know how comfortable you are with giving it to me.
I want your friendship, your openness, your honesty (which is different from your Truth), but I want your Truth, Too. I want to know the inmost corners of you, and I want to watch as you discover the exterior faces you show the world. I want these things in varying shades, in different colours, in constantly shifting masses and combinations of quantities, depending on who you are, my mood, and my current Work Stages.
The Distillers - [Red Carpet and Rebellion]--- I don't lead well. I am a reluctant leader, at best, with the constant urge to look over my shoulder and make sure people are following, rife with the fearful knowledge that they are falling off in ones and twos. And yet people often want me to start things, show the way.
I follow worse than I lead, as I am constantly of the mind that what I have to say and what I know about the given situation is an important and valuable perspective. And yet the majority of people want me to get in line behind their ideas, and follow letter for letter.
IAMX - [Bring Me Back a Dog]--- I want to walk next to you. I want to stand and face you. I want you to stand shoulder to shoulder, back to back with me, and tell me what you see, what you think, and what you feel.
I want to work Together.
Another rambling, 2am message to you, Rudie.
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