*sigh* And work does it again...

Jack Off Jill - [Nazi Halo]--- So, today was a day. HAd a test in History of Western Phi.... It was different. Better and worse than i thought it was going to be.... Shit. Fuck it. Can't find someone to take over the first part of my fucking Saturday night shift, from 11-2. I really need to find someone to do that, because i have somewhere that i Have to be. And it is far more important to me than this paltry little Psuedo-Job. (Jack Off Jill - [Rabiteen]). The person who said they might be able to do it, but had to check her schedule, completely forgot about it, until i called her, tonight, and then she said that she wouldn't. Everyone else is either working that day, the next, or in an overlapping patrol. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And so on.

I did, however, find 5 cents of Other People's Money, at a most opportune time. Damned vending machines.... (Jack Off Jill - [Strawberry Gashes]). But now, here i am, freezing my as of in a gate house, at 12.31 in the morning, waiting to go on break or whatever the fuck it is that to which i have to look forward, and i'm twitching, on a subcutaneous level...

I dreamed of Manila, last night.... I was in the jungle, in some sort of biohazard suit, and there were people there that seemed immenently familiar. (Jack Off Jill - [Author Unknown]). And it was scry. That's what i get for finishing Cryptonomicon, before i go to bed. Shit shit shit shit shit shit.... I'm really not happy with this job, my apartment situation, my "dating" life, People in general... Why can't people simplky be decent to one another and flow forth respect? (Jack Off Jill - [Vivica]). Hey... i got through that sentence, without bursting into tears. Imagine that. I want decency, dammit... that's all i ask...

And it's so clear, in my head....

Good bye.

Fuck you too, you pessimistic bastiches.

Today, Wolven, you may feel some pressure to do something to change your life. It's possible you have made some plans that you have been putting off for some time now. And today you may realize that in order to live the comfortable kind of life you want to live, it's up to you to do everything you can to make it possible, that is, unless you inherit some money out of the blue! But, don't count on that. In fact, you can't count on anyone but yourself.

That is all.

"Snake behind me hisses what my damage could have been..."

Tool - [H]--- "My blood before me begs me open up my heart again..." I sit here, and i wonder what it's like to be actually Admired.... Would i t be one of those things, where i say/think i want it, until it happens, and then it's all scary, and i want it to go away? Or would it feel nice? Like Belief, and Sacrafice? Because i read the works of others, and i admire them, and i think that they are great people, but i feel that my telliung them so would be met with Scorn, or whathave you. There are many of them... And i simply don't know if anyone could ever feel tht way, about me... The more i go on, the more this sounds like a Fishing expedition, which is the last thing i want. I don't want Pity...

Tool - [46 & 2]--- I don't know how to explain it, but there is a connection and Lut that comes with someone admiring you, for something. Maynard's voice, writing, Talent... Shit... i don't know... If i went off on who i admired, and why, i'd invariably leave someone out, and they'd feel like i didn't admire them... or think of them enough to speak of them here, when that's not true. Some of you have ineffable qualities like Bearing that make me admire you... some have qualities like your Feral natures... tempered in logic... Steppin' Razor... and all the others... There are so many things that i want to say, here.... (Tool - [Message to Harry Manback]). But i want to feel the love and warmth, unbidden and unasked, of simple admriation.

Tool - [Hooker With a Penis]--- But i want manythings, and some of them are as simple as "to be held," or as complicated as "to be able to make out with someone who will enjoy it, and is my friend, but the making out doesn't make it more than that." And some of them are contradictory, seemingly. Like wanting to be admired, while not caring what others think of me. I want there to be The Ability To Access That Deep Connection... But the connection's so deep that it's there all the time, and you knwo when other people are willing to and want to access it, with you... So it's not one sided... and that's ok... want that.... That's what i want...

Tool - [Intermission]--- i remember more of my dream... it toopk place, in a van, special forces type of thing, driving around in a parking lot, or garage, that was also my elementary school art room.... (Tool - [Jimmy]). That's all i can remember... but every time i spoke of connection and companionship, above, i kept getting flashes of it.... And.... yeah... Work is snapping my gentle mind like a new twig... slowly, and with much tearing. I know the disconnection and the separation that people speak of. The not-in-controlness. I know it, and i'm trying to slowly destroy it.... But every step i take is a step towards distraction... i know this Gateless Gate thing... and i'm right the fuck there. (Tool - [Die Eier Von Satan]). But i can't bring it up... i can't bring it to the Fore.... And that bothers me....

Tool - [Pushit]--- It's like grabbing at silver motes, in the air, or passing yourt fingers through the fabric of everything... You know you can do it, and you want to , but wanting to is only going to make you not able to. That's how all of this feels. Like you people are only acting as background... but not even to Me. That would be acceptable. This time it's background to something that doesn't even want to name or show itself, except to cause internal dissonance. And maybe it's beneficial... Whatever. When i say the Horror Scop line "In fact, you can't count on anyone but yourself," made me want to kill people... And it was a totally irrational reaction, i guess... Unless you take all factors into account.... Basically, these fucking Oracles telling me shite i already know, in a way that will only piss me off, and witrh a bad connotative conteext, to boot. What the Fuck, you know? OaD was never that harsh. (Tool - [Caesaro Summability]). Why the fuck should You be? Trying to add that "Human" touch? No wonder i hate humans, so much, sometymes....

Tool - [AEnima]--- Anyway, it boils down to sources being mean, and cryptic, in a subject that was already a touchy one, today... And my life is love and laughter.

I'll see you all later.

Waking up in the basement of a college building....

Definately an odd sensation. Went down to the Breakroom, and caught an hour break. Slept. Am supremely disoriented, now. Ah well... Simply thought i'd share.

I do enjoy my days, and my life, regardless of the troubles i note. Without said Troubles, i'd lead a button-down, prepped, Aberveedee and Gunch style life... "Normal." And if there's anything i hate it's the standard of Normalcy, imposed by the They. So fuck 'em. I'll revel in my weirdness, and my differences. &c. Insert Proud-To-Be-Me Speech, here. But realise, they are My differences. If they bother me, from time to time, i'm going to complain about them. Parallax Non Omnes Occulti. Perspective does not totally obscure.

I'm going to go and try to finish out the last two hours of my time, here, with some music, and some reading. If anyone wants to keep me company, you know how to find me.

Other than that, Gute Nacht.

Dream Well