Your mouth is like a funeral, words go to die. Your mouth is like a funeral, where kisses go to die.

Jack off Jill - [Clear Hearts, Grey Flowers]--- Again, i'm at work, on a saturn's day night, instead of out, enjoying myself. I'll be here, until some time, past oh dark thirty, again. BEcause my schedule seems to be Fixed. 11-7, sat./sun. 4-12, sun/mon. So, yeah. Woohoo. I'm going to kill someone. (Jack off Jill - [Poor Impulse Control (No Control Mix)]). Maybe i don't have simple enough standards... This has been posed, to me, as a possibility, several times. That i simply place things out of context, and out of proportion. But, actually, i think that my standards are absolutely wonderful, if people would simply stop being lazy, and make themselves a better world. Damn it.

I want a job that interests me, and i want to be able to go into work without thinking "Dear Gods In Hell, Please Stop The Paperwork That I'm Making You Do, And Strike Me Dead, For Even That Would BE Preferable To Going In To Work, Tonight. Amen." (Eminem - [Till I Collapse]). Cause that's what i do. And they laugh. And it only makes me work them harder. And it's this vicious cycle that NEVER EN-- Oh.. *ahem* Sorry... The point is that i REALLY hate this job. The people are nice enough, and the pay is great, but the atmosphere, and the work environment simply make me want to tear my hair out by the roots, and then go kill 20 million people, in a fit of Stalin-like Rage... Without the horrendous death, on my part, though...

Pop Will Eat Itself - [Everything's Cool]--- But yeah, i know i've said this all before, in a different form, but that's not the point. You're probably saying "then, cut to the point, or go find another fucking job, you whiny git." And therein lies the point. There aren't any better jobs, out there. I could apply for MANAGEMENT at a bookstore... (Skinny Puppy - [Morter]). But no.... There seems to be nothing.... And it's really rather irritating... The other point is that i don't have the tyme to go out of my way, in searches, so all i get is the places that are near me/things, which i know will be full, and know will reject me. Because of my stupid, cracked out Schedule. Ahh, conundrums and dilemas....

Eddie Izzard - [Jungle DJs]--- So, here i sit, in the freezing fucking guardhouse of the job i can't stand, but which pays me nine dollars and hour, so that anyone who listens to me complain about the grating, soul-sapping (to me) qualities of this godsforsaken, schlecht (again, to me) job think that i am merely whining, incessantly, about something which, in actuality, isn't that bad, and could be worse, so i should do something about it, or shut up and move on.

Which is exactly right.

Later.

FSCKING Horror Scopes.....

Your best alternative today is to try to avoid group activities, Wolven, because the aspects are not especially favorable to them. If you must submit to some inevitable team obligation, negotiate your goals shrewdly, or simply overrule the other team members. There are not likely to be many options open to you today.

Jack off Jill - [Strawberry Gashes]--- And i meant that title, in Geek. The damned things keep mentioning "Aspects," and then mimickmockrepeating what i said, earlier, in the day... (Jack off Jill - [Author Unknown]). Why do they do this? Are they trying to show Support? If so, i appreciate it, And the Delphic accuracy they seem to have adopted, but they most certainly need to work on their timing.

Other than that, i'm off, again.

Too many cookies... i just want to sleep....

So, i go in tomorrow, at 4, and work till 12, but i'm still only going to be doing gatehouse work. (Radiohead - [Everything In Its Right Place]). I'm amazed. I haven't updated my journal, multiple times, tonight... I read the last book of The Authority, tonight, it was good... Mrowr... i need to do more studying, auf Duetsch... I'm really kind of out of it, right now.. don't know why... want to be sleeping...

Radiohead - [Kid A]--- I feel bad that i haven't studied, more, and i feel bad that i complain about my job, so much... It's just that it's such an impediment to the things i want to do. That's extremely selfish, i know, but listen: In most jobs, if you get scheduled to work, on a time when you'd rather not, you talk to the people, and you get something done, yes? WEll, here, there's no talking to people. I told them that i would like to not have a schedule that required me to drastically alter my sleep schedule, from one day to the next. I get this. I tell them that i would prefer to not have to work, late, Sunday nights, as i have classes at 12, Monday mornings. I get This. They Know that i rely, currently, on another worker, to get me to and from work, and the schedule him, in an overlapping time frame, in relation to when i work, thusly making it impossible for me to get home, Sunday nights. In other words, I Get This.

Radiohead - [The National Anthem]--- Now, i'm sure i could talk to them, about it, and get something done, but the fact of the matter is, i tried. I told the Director of Security, and i Told the guy who does the Schedules. The more i complain, to them, or "try to work it out," the higher the likelihood that they'll say something along the lines of "Well, it seems that our goals just aren't meshing, here, and I don't know what to tell you." Which basically means, "We're going to have to let you go, soon." And, if that happens, then it is most likely that i will not have another job lined up, let alone a job that i actually like. So i suffer through it. But i refuse to suffer in complete silence. (Radiohead - [How To Disappear Completely]). That's simply not something i can do. Eventually, when i tire of all the bullshit, and when the $9/hour doesn't make as much of a difference, as it used to, i'll get up the motivation to quit/find another job/move on, not necessarily in that order. Until then, there's nothing to do, but grin and bear it, and bitch, briefly, when it irks the living shit out of me.

As for the studying, i haven't been able to concentrate, on any one thing, for more than a few minutes at a time, which is really not conducive, at all, to the whole "Studying" thing. Like right now, i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to be getting home, in 2.25 hours... So far, i got nothin'. Maybe a cab. That could work. But that's more money than i have, on me, right now. (Radiohead - [Treefingers]). The title of this song creeps me out... a lot... I keep getting flashes, in my head, from "The Ring," and, now, from the last book of The Authority... Weird shit, all around... I should go, try to study, now that there isn't too much going on... But it's like, earlier, when i tried to meditate: I sat, full lotus, and would empty/focus, for a few seconds, and then the phone would ring. Or my pager would go off. And then people were at the house, so meditating, instead of hosting, was out of the question. Courteous streak strikes again, eh?

Radiohead - [Optimistic]--- Other than that, i'm confused, on the Dance Floor, i'm tired, in life, and i just got shown that even Thinking of studying, while here, is a bad idea... So i'm off. May be back, before heading home. May not. We'll see... Just in case:

Gute Nacht.

Aufwiedersehen.

The warningsad whispers of Technology....

Firstly: i'm hearing voices, coming from the computer speakers, and monitor. There's no CD in, and no other sound card. Period.

Secondly: Now, i'm PISSED. My boss just called me to say that the person on patrol and the person in gatehouse had to SWITCH, for some gods knows what reason, and i still haven't been properly bloodly traied on this shite. One hour of one evening's walking around saying "This goes here, then you go here, here, here, here, and here," is NOT going to help me with this fucking patrol shift. What the bloody fucking Hell is going on here? I haven't been Trained. I've been Side-Noted, for the love of hell. No "Here's What You Do." It's "Oh, by the way." This is me, trying to remember all the buildings, rooms, and halls to lock/unlock, having been shown them, Once. Briefly. If i fuck up, that's MY ass. FUCK THIS! Fuck it. Fuck it to hell and gone.

I am So Done.

And to think, i was starting to think about lightening up, and trying to see it their way.

Dream

"But if the big 'splodey goes fast, won't it be all baaad? *cries*"

[Transcripts of logs from the commanding officer(s) of U-876. Translated from the German. This begins toward the end of their last reported transmitions.]:

... Clung, in the cold depths of the ocean, in a German submarine, without clay/tone however the Rushing of the water, over me and in the noises, which the distribution pipe forms... The noise clay/tone such as voices...

----------------

[A Less Literal Translator Takes Over]

... Only awake for six hours, now, and I can't smoke in this godsforsaken underwater coffin. There's no where for the smoke to go, and our filtration systems aren't that great, anymore.. A couple of depth charges will do that... What day is it?

----------------

... Some time ago, the navigational system told me that it liked the dance that I had done, and that I had the makings of a fine member of the Lollipop Guild. Whatever the hell that means. I'm beginning to think that the boat may be an Allied spy...

----------------

... WHERE THE HELL ARE THESE VOICES COMING FROM?! All around, all i hear are these whispers... these crying, melancholy whispers... Asking me for help.... I swear to Dönitz, they sound like they're coming from the sonar, and the navigational systems... What the hell are Silicon Dreams?!

----------------

... WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!

[A difference in handwriting suggests that the original Kapitän was relieved, of duty.]

... Have been in command, now, for, I think 12 hours. Sleeping, much, is no longer conducive to our mission, and we have the men on 16 hour shifts. Have been hearing reports of odd noises, coming from the manifolds. Am choosing to regard this as superstition, in relation to... earlier incidents.

----------------

... Have been running, submerged, for the past 20 hours, as per last received orders. The ducts, and batteries have started to make an odd grinding/whistling noise. Have reported same to base, prior to dive, and had heard nothing, in return. Am beginning to wonder, but cannot surface, yet, to confirm.

----------------

... Surfaced, this morning, as per orders. Received Message that the War was over, and that this vessel was to stand down, and await further orders. That the men on sonar duty, and the men on torpedo duty were to, from this point forward, switch, every eight hours. Am highly suspect as to the nature of these orders, and have ordered my men on tentative alert. ...I think I'm hearing voices.

----------------

... Silicon Avatar.

----------------

...

[No further entries were made in the logs.]