Added 11 hours, later: "I'm not feeling on fire today, Love has started to fade..."

God Lives Underwater - [Happy]--- People... Bleh. i need more caffeine. I don't deal well with large groups of people, in social settings, recently. Why is it that the conversation always seems to turn to Sex, around me? i would much rather talk about something like Metaphysics, or the Theory of Relativity, or Both, and at the Same Time. But it seems that everyone i know wants to talk about sex.

David Bowie - [I Have Not Been to Oxford]--- In ragards to Sex, it's like Galadriel said: "I will not deny that my heart has greatly desired this..." Honestly, it would be something to help me keep my mind off of wanting to smoke. But there's not real chance of that, within the context in which i could accept it. Cheap sex is nothing to me. Physical contact, alone, sates exactly that-- The physical. The flesh is happy, but what about the mind? And we've all seen what happens when Wolven consciously and purposefully denies parts of himself. Things get all wonky. (Eurythmics - [Here Comes The Rain Again (CoMorbid remix)]). So i would like to keep my mind off of both sexual contact (until such time as it becomes plausible and acceptable, to me), and smoking. So i'm ingesting horrid amounts of caffeine, and trying to find intelligent conversation, around here. Not a lot of luck, so far..

To explain about the sex thing: as i've said, here, before, Wolven is technically a virgin, and hasn't had any emotionally physical sexual contact with anyone, in a rather long time. It's almost three years, now. And i'm sure you didn't want to hear that. Anyway, when you've been having the Loneliness issues, and the lack of emotional/physical contact, and the upheaval in terms of moving, and no job... Well, you start to ask yourself "Why in the Hell would i decide to quit smoking now?" And the answer becomes "...It seemed like a good idea at the time..."

Ah well. Still refusing to go back, on my decision. Avoiding cigs like the plague. Or cancer. Whichever.... *ahem*

On a down note, i still haven't found a place to live. On an up note, i'm re-reading "Coraline," more slowly. I'm thinking about naming my daughter Coraline, if for no other reason than to augment her tenacity. "It's Coraline. Not Caroline. CORALINE." Cruel, i know, but that's the way i am, sometimes. I'm rather tired of typing, right now, and i have nothing else i really want to talk about. When i expound on the things about which i want to speak, to the point where i feel as if i've explianed them, in full, i always wonder if i've bored, or annoyed someone. I'm sure i have, but i'd rather the number of those annoyed be smaller than the number of those who understood and enjoyed it. I hope that remains the norm...

Anyway, i'm off.

Dream Well

Still not feeling that great....

Just had some fucked up dream about a throne room, and something like Disneyland... i don't really remember it. But i think my mind is trying to make me remember some palacial connection, and the idea of Flaming Spears... It's fucking with me.. i remembered it so clearly, a few minutes ago... Now it's all but gone...

i'm still not feeling too great about having decided to quit, and i could still really go for a smoke, but i've made my decision (Trying to convince Self, Here.), and i'm going to stick with it. Feh.. i didn't get to bed until 7 something this morning, due to talking to people, and all kinds of shit. Need more caffeine... need more money. Need a job.

I was supposed to be moving, since some time today, but i haven't heard from rob, at all. It's weird. i'm going to call him, and see if he's ok. Then i'll email him...

I feel so disconnected... So groggy... People are having great times, and experiences, around me, and i'm really happy for them, but i don't have the tyme to do those things, right now... Siht. But that's whining for another day.

Later.

Day Dream, for me.

"I'm beinning to think maybe therereally is something wrong with me."

I'm kind of chemically imbalanced, today, i think. The simple fact that i can't remember my dreams is Really starting to make me wans to break down and Cry... i think it's time to go meditate. This shit just can't be right.

There was something about me smoking, and feeling like i failed... Shit. The more i focus, the less i'll remember, and the less i focus, the less likely i am to see the key points. Gotta go.

"It's easy; there's a trick to it."

Bobgoblin - [25 Million To 1]--- You do it, or you die. I've packed the bookshelves, and the room, except for the bed and the Mantle (Those go last.). It took me about 20 minutes to do, and i have hundreds of books. It was a matter of simply admitting to myself that i had to do it, and then doing it. (Moxy Fruvous - [Fell In Love]). But it's done, now, and all i have to do, over the next two days, is move it all. That should be fun :\

Anywho, i'm setill unsure as to the content of my couch dreams. I'm thinking... be right back... Back, two minutes later, with a little more recall:

Walking around a palace that Could be mine, and smoking. Feeling a bit like i've let people down, but not really feeling remorse, as, in The End, they'll all resent me, anyway. Feeling a bit like John Constantine, in that i know that there's quite a lot of power, here, for me to artke (pull or assume to self, with the knowledge of force to be used, if need be), any time i want it, but i may or may not feel bad about it, in the morning. Staring at the throne, and at the outside of the building, at the same time, and it's all done in purples, reds, light greys, and gold trim. I'm walking outside, and the guards are holding flaming spears, looking like they're going to kill each other with them. I wake up

The Adventures Of Jet - [Domino]--- Then i was watching home movies, some more. And that's about all of it. It's amazing what putting yourself back into the same position as you were when you awoke will do for your dream recall. (Bobgoblin - Killer). Heh. Good. i feel better, now, on a lot of counts. Now i need to go out and get some caffeine, before i kill someone. Oh, heheh, there was talk, last night, of me as a Vampire who only fed on Third Shift QuickTrip and Waffle House workers. For those of you who don't know, third shift is the 9 PM, to 7 AM shift. That's a lot of caffeine, ladies and gents. Trust me. But i do need to get something to drink, here, before i'm not so chipper, anymore. I think the fridge, here, has decided that it's lactose intolerant. It doesn't keep milk. Everything else is fine, but the milk, slated for August 5, tastes as if it's going bad... Freaky.

Anyway, Ta ta, kids.

Day Dream

Oh, and i ate real food today, too.

Moxy Fruvous - [The Drinking Song]--- I ate home-made eggs and bacon...So Much Bacon.... It was a three pound pack that wee cooked... i ate most of it.. Between FIVE PEOPLE. Guh.... i probably taste like bacon.... i know i taste it, everytime i breathe...

Just thought i'd share.