Feelings of Neglect. The Angelic Urbane....

Comorbid - [Jungle/Drum & Bass mix (Sep 16)]--- i feel like talking about myself, right now. I've been drinking. Three hard ciders, to be precise about the whole thing. But my drinking should not lead you to belive that what i'm about to say is any less true, or heart-felt. Quite the opposite, in fact. When i drink, i become much more honest than i would, normally. In usual circumstances, i am Truthful, and not always completely Honest. Honesty hurts those about whom i care. But i am digressing, and stalling. Time, obviously, for more drink.

i am not content with the way many of my friendships are manifesting themselves. As it stands, i have been, in the past, more or less inclined to deal with people, based on the feeling i garner from them. If someone seems desperate for friendship, or companionship, or understanding, i will shy away from them, until they have calmed down. I will not make extreme efforts to contact them, or go out, and hang around with them. Simply put, when people approach me, i shy away. Now, in the opposite, when i approach people, or s33m to want to know them, better, they shy away from me. Perhaps this is merely a balancing force of the universe-- Dharma and Karma, as it were-- but, with the frequency of the occurence, i am often forced to wonder.

Are the people with whom i surround myself truly that similar to me, as to have the same modes of interaction, when it comes to people, friendships, and trust? One the one hand, this is a beautiful thing. There are levels of connection, there, that i never saw. On the other hand, it sucks goblin testicles, as it means that my entire sphere of interaction with the people i want to know, and who may want to know me, will be a continual dance of approach/receed, approach/receed, until such chance as we are both in the mode of approach, and come together, in friendship. Damn it. This is but one of the problems i'm having, and i know that some people are reclusive. That makes me hurt no less. There is the petulent part of me that says "Well of course they'll want to receed and hide from the world, but why does that have to include me?? Aren't i diferent? Aren't I special?" The answer, of course, is Yes and No.

Comorbid - [House/Trance/Breaks mix (Oct 16)]--- Some may find me different and special, and they may talk to Me, when all others make them feel as if they are covered in a layer of slime. But that does not mean that all of the people with whom i want to interact will see me as such. Just like all of the people who may want to interact with me will not be found, by me, to be worth my attention, at all times. It's saddening, and painful, but that's the way it is. And i know that that does not make it hurt any less. Were i to always want to be around everyone, i would be a completely different person. And you wouldn't love me nearly as much. *grin*

Right now, tonight, i feel neglected. I feel as if there are certain of my "friends" who, for one reason or another, don't want to be around me. Perhaps, for some, it is the overzealous nature with which i approach our Interpersonal Relationship. For others, it may be that, seeing me reminds them of things that have gone wrong in their lives. They would just as soon forget that, as confront it. It may be nothing other than pure circumstance, and my own personal insecturites, coming together to form some horrible Shellian nightmare, that wants nothing more from those around it than to be loved, accepted, and respected. Who knows. Whatever the reasons, it hurts me, and i'm hoping that the pain is an inadvertant thing, on the part of those involved. I know it is, when i cause it.

What i would like, is to be able to accept and deal with the fact that people will not always want to be around me. They will not always want to be my best friend, right away, just as i may not want to be theirs. This is difficult, and certainly a blow to the Ego, but it may be true. I would also like for others to be able to accept it and integrate it, from me. This is not always going to happen, i know. But it is still a nice goal... Another nice goal is to be able to be friends with the people i want to be friends with, on the level on which i want to be friends with them, and have everyone be completely ok with that. But i said that already.

For those of you who have been muddled, and confounded by the vagaries, here, let me assure you that this was not my intent. I simply dislike naming those who are not here, directly to offend... i meant defend. I Honestly did. Who are not here to Defend themselves. If you have any doubt, any concerns, whatever, speak to me, in a more direct manner. Up front and honest, if a little vague, yes?

As it stands, i'm going to go. I'm done talking about myself. I'll see you all later.

Dream Well

Mu.

I'm laying on a bed, with Armitage, talking abou various facets of our lives, in slumber party fashion. The bed is huge, and i'm streched across the foot of it, while she's laying length-wise. As we're talking, her dad comes in the room, and asks us what's up, and what we want for dinner.

Kevin is sitting at a bench, talking about the cooking habits of whales, and about how they don't like to eat squid raw, if there's a stove handy. He proceeds to explain how this relates to auras, and sex.

Ness is there, talking to me about seeming inconsequentia. She laughs.

I'm sitting with Coryn, outside. We're on a bench, and Kevin is mixing and spinning, in the background. We are all near/under the steps of a house, and in the basement of the house, at the same time. Kevin's turn-tables are set up near the windows, and the steps are to my left. Off to the side, there's the impression of a forest.

I'm in a house that i've been in before. It's the house i ran to, to get away from whatever giant/Ring Wraith ype things were chasing me, months ago. It feels, somewhat, like Armitage's house did. I'm in the house with my mom, and aunt, and other family members.

I'm in the Batcave. All of Batman's cars have been smashed, and completely totalled. I'm upstairs, in the garage of Wayne Manor, and Robin is there. All of Bruce Wayne's cars are totalled, as well. Nightwing/Robin is helping to console Bruce, because this means that someone knows that he is Batman. They have to figure out who.

Oswald Cobblepot is distressed. He's not feeling loved, or respected by the people. He needs to show them that he's a softer, gentler Cobblepot. His aide says to him, "Then I've got it: Tomorrow we go back on the campaign trail, with me as your wife." She loves him, and wants to be with him. He rejects her, and moves off, down the hallway. I come running up, through all the Press, and say that i need to speak with Mrs. Vice President, alone, without the press. We need to talk about her impending pregnancy. I see Erika, standing off to the side, at the end of the hall.

I walk towards Erika, and i'm at The Movie Theater, which has added to itself, and changed. We're supposed to make a date to go see "Reign of Fire," and, as it's GSU's movie theater, we can get in for free. Erika's hair is still curly, but now it's black. She goes into the thearter, to sit down, and i go up to the window, to get a ticket. Megan's at the ticket counter, and appearantly she's been waiting for me. We talk, for awhile, and we're in her room, looking at the original comic book, for Invader Zim. I look at the TV, as a newcast is talking about how a Mexican software company is stealing Sega Games, and how the debate is raging as to whether or not they have rights to it.

I'm playing Sonic 2, on the Underwater Ruins stage, and i'm running out of air. As i'm running out of air, i'm not only playing the game, i'm IN the game, and i'm feelig far too reminded of a childhood recurring nytemare. After i find one air bubble, I can't find anymore, so i have to surface, or i'll drown. I find and swim over to a group of close set pillars, throw the contoller through, and swim up.

I surface, on top of an up raised lawn, and i feel like i'm in "Wuthering Heights." Everything around me is very Victorian, and 1890's. There's this old woman, talking about how she used to swim in those ruins, for hours. One of the old me, near her, relates a story about how they kept her out of there, for a while. She find out that something she had always thought was true, was not. The old man says "Well... you asked." I look across and slightly to the left of the ruins, and water, and someone is cooking out. We're at the house in Olney, Maryland, where i grew up. We have just gotten back, from the movies and the mall. Some guy is cooking out, and I know him to be my "uncle," meaning he's really just a family friend. I hand him a note from my father. After he reads it, he says "You have to admire his guts, in this; to fully acknowledge that someone is Family, and then continue, anyway." The letter was about not wanting him around, anymore. I take out the trash, Throw it next the grage/car-port, and watch it roll down the slight grade, to the mifddle of the walkway. I wake up

k-chan - [Pro-Regression]--- My fragmented, and disjointed dreams. Kept waking up, this morning, for not good reason. Some time around 7 was the first one, and then there was one at 10, and 11.45, and finally 12 something... Every tyme i woke up, i worte down wha ti could remember of the dreams i had just had, or i knew i would forget them. So i wrote them down... Shit... i'm starting Moving, today.

I hate moving. But there's nothing for it, really, other than to chain myself to some integral part of the house, and if i was going to do that for ANYwhere, it would have been the Douglas House. So named because it belonged to General Douglas, during the Civil War. It was a really great house. So nice and haunted... But alas, my time there is done, as is my time here, so i move, and i bloody well get my Ass in Gear, in looking for both my own place, and a new job. And that's that.

k-chan - [Tresspassing With A Purpose]--- I've been listening to a lot of Kevin's music, recently... Miss having him around, to hang out wioth, whenever, i guess... Hrmm... But, anywho, i'm going to head off of here, in a few. I'll see you all later.

Day Dream