wolven7 | Feelings of Neglect. The Angelic Urbane....

Comorbid - [Jungle/Drum & Bass mix (Sep 16)]--- i feel like talking about myself, right now. I've been drinking. Three hard ciders, to be precise about the whole thing. But my drinking should not lead you to belive that what i'm about to say is any less true, or heart-felt. Quite the opposite, in fact. When i drink, i become much more honest than i would, normally. In usual circumstances, i am Truthful, and not always completely Honest. Honesty hurts those about whom i care. But i am digressing, and stalling. Time, obviously, for more drink.

i am not content with the way many of my friendships are manifesting themselves. As it stands, i have been, in the past, more or less inclined to deal with people, based on the feeling i garner from them. If someone seems desperate for friendship, or companionship, or understanding, i will shy away from them, until they have calmed down. I will not make extreme efforts to contact them, or go out, and hang around with them. Simply put, when people approach me, i shy away. Now, in the opposite, when i approach people, or s33m to want to know them, better, they shy away from me. Perhaps this is merely a balancing force of the universe-- Dharma and Karma, as it were-- but, with the frequency of the occurence, i am often forced to wonder.

Are the people with whom i surround myself truly that similar to me, as to have the same modes of interaction, when it comes to people, friendships, and trust? One the one hand, this is a beautiful thing. There are levels of connection, there, that i never saw. On the other hand, it sucks goblin testicles, as it means that my entire sphere of interaction with the people i want to know, and who may want to know me, will be a continual dance of approach/receed, approach/receed, until such chance as we are both in the mode of approach, and come together, in friendship. Damn it. This is but one of the problems i'm having, and i know that some people are reclusive. That makes me hurt no less. There is the petulent part of me that says "Well of course they'll want to receed and hide from the world, but why does that have to include me?? Aren't i diferent? Aren't I special?" The answer, of course, is Yes and No.

Comorbid - [House/Trance/Breaks mix (Oct 16)]--- Some may find me different and special, and they may talk to Me, when all others make them feel as if they are covered in a layer of slime. But that does not mean that all of the people with whom i want to interact will see me as such. Just like all of the people who may want to interact with me will not be found, by me, to be worth my attention, at all times. It's saddening, and painful, but that's the way it is. And i know that that does not make it hurt any less. Were i to always want to be around everyone, i would be a completely different person. And you wouldn't love me nearly as much. *grin*

Right now, tonight, i feel neglected. I feel as if there are certain of my "friends" who, for one reason or another, don't want to be around me. Perhaps, for some, it is the overzealous nature with which i approach our Interpersonal Relationship. For others, it may be that, seeing me reminds them of things that have gone wrong in their lives. They would just as soon forget that, as confront it. It may be nothing other than pure circumstance, and my own personal insecturites, coming together to form some horrible Shellian nightmare, that wants nothing more from those around it than to be loved, accepted, and respected. Who knows. Whatever the reasons, it hurts me, and i'm hoping that the pain is an inadvertant thing, on the part of those involved. I know it is, when i cause it.

What i would like, is to be able to accept and deal with the fact that people will not always want to be around me. They will not always want to be my best friend, right away, just as i may not want to be theirs. This is difficult, and certainly a blow to the Ego, but it may be true. I would also like for others to be able to accept it and integrate it, from me. This is not always going to happen, i know. But it is still a nice goal... Another nice goal is to be able to be friends with the people i want to be friends with, on the level on which i want to be friends with them, and have everyone be completely ok with that. But i said that already.

For those of you who have been muddled, and confounded by the vagaries, here, let me assure you that this was not my intent. I simply dislike naming those who are not here, directly to offend... i meant defend. I Honestly did. Who are not here to Defend themselves. If you have any doubt, any concerns, whatever, speak to me, in a more direct manner. Up front and honest, if a little vague, yes?

As it stands, i'm going to go. I'm done talking about myself. I'll see you all later.

Dream Well