"I'd kill myself, but I'd probably go to Hell, and that would be redundant."

George Harrison - [I Got My Mind Set On You]--- For so many reasons... Plus i despise the suicide thing, personally... Anyway. There are so many complications, in thinking about what i want to do. When i think about staying here (David Bowie -[Let's Dance]), i see nothing but a repeating cycle of the same shit i've been going through, since i got to Georgia. The continual bringing up of hope, with the eventually and (seemingly) inevitable let down. Do i want to go through this, for however long i'll be living here, with nothing to look forward to? And it's not simply the housing thing (though people should stop wondering why i live out of boxes, now). It's everything. Houses, relationships. Anything i could have Hope for has, thus far, eventually come crashing down, around my ears. (The Cure - [Friday I'm In Love]). LOL. Funny. But as i was saying, that's what i see, when i look at Georgia. So what do i see, when i look at DC?

Nothing. I look at my hometown, the town of my birth and first 13 years of life, and i see nothing. No prospects, no potential, and no ability for true growth. I know no one in DC, anymore. Everyone i've ever known has moved on. To places like Yale. That's a completely different set of depressing thoughts. Let's focus on this set, for awhile longer. DC holds nothing for me, but family, which is, in itself, a nice thing. (AC/DC - [You Shook Me All Night Long]). The problem, however, lies in the fact that i have no physical, immediate friendship base, there. So i'm stranded, without emotional support. (Garbage - #1 Crush]). Granted, i'll still have all of my online friends, and the ability to contact people, should i need to, but that's not the same, and you all know it. So, which of these things is preferable? Stagnation and repetition? Or Emptiness, and mundanity? Heh.

Had a Dream, last night, about going into the castle of Order. It reminded me, oddly enough, of The Castle, in "Kafka." Set up in that rigid, orderly manner. Also saw the connections of Nature, and the Universe, and explained to some people about the Lives and Dreams of Cities. It was a fair evening, overall. I now have a Sobe, and a warm bed, in which to sleep. So, all in all, life's not really that bad... Kind of....

Bad Religion - [Infected]--- So, anyway, indeed. I should probably shower, soon, and perhaps get some sleep. I'll need my rest for talking about all of this shit, more, with my family, tomorrow. Fun. Fun. Feh. Perhaps i can find someone to talk to me, before i go... Maybe bitch and moan, some more, and try to figure this shite out...

And i remember the days when i would write eight paragraphs, here, on an average. Now i'm lucky if i get a solid five. i should probably be upset about this. And i am, kind of. i don't know what to say, anymore. There's so little that i haven't said. My daily life isn't interesting enough, for me to expound upon, and my emotions, other than anger, are difficult for me to express, by way of writing. (James Taylor - [Fire and Rain]). So i don't try, much. Not here... Any way, i'm babbling, and i should probably get going, if i'm going to go. I'll talk to you all later.

Dream Well

Yep. I'm awake, all right....

System of a Down - [Storaged]--- Dreams that were disturbing, yet comforting, all at the same tyme. (The Avalanches - [Frontier Psychiatrist]). Something about StarWars chess, and then some girl... But anyway. Nothing much to say, this morning. Still needd to talk to my family, and i need a shower. Never took one, last night. Got too involved in thinking about other things. Anyway... people are talking at me about shit, so i need to go.

Day Dream

28:6:42:12 "...I'll be able to smile, because there'll be so much to look forward to."

Well, i have to say, i want everyone i know at my birthday party. If you're reading this, and i know you, you're invited. i don't care about your disagreements, with whomever else may be there. I don't care about squabbles, or differences. It's my birthday party. Get to know each other. Try to be Civil. Something. Anything. i need you all there, so you can all help me make some changes, and a decision. Fuck it. I need to completely restructure my entire social life, and i need to burn it down, and re-assemble it... But do i have the strength of character to do it?

Can i actually follow my school of Fuck It, Delete It, in such a grand and affecting manner? Oh, sure, i generally talk about apply the FIDI school to the Universe, but that reduces all problems down to one problem, and then it's gone. In this, i'm merely removing a large chunk of the things that are causing me grief, and the rest is still there, to be affected by the reverberations, and repercussions. See kids? It's easy to talk about responsibility, when you do so little direct action, to begin with. Anyway, i don't know what else to do. Merging them all seems like a REALLY bad idea, without some sort of destruction, first. It'll simply get messy, that way. i need to burn it all down, first, and get the hell away from it all... i need to go somewhere new...

Now, i know what so many of you are going to say, if i were to simply state the problems i'm having with my friends, and interpersonal relationships. If i were to simply say, well i don't feel wanted, or welcome, or respected, the majority of the tymes i hang out with a large group of my friends, why then a lot of you would say "Don't be stupid, Wolven. You know you're welcome, any time. All you have to do, is ask." And that doesn't change the fact that i still feel that way. It's not your words, ladies and gentlemen, but your actions, that make me feel unwanted. Sometimes, of course, your words are the actions, or are the only actions i see, so i have to go off of that. Yet another reason i want to be able to see my friends, whenever. But it is not to be. Now, ladies and gents, i don't want you to feel personally attacked. If you want to know who you are, you can wait until i tell you, or if you're that worried about it, email me. But i need to restructure, something, somehow.

I need to go take a shower, and get ready to leave. i still haven't found a place to live, and i still haven't made a decision. I want to live, by myself, i'm fairly sure. And i don't have a job, or that much money. Yep... i'm screwed. LOL... i'll see you all later.

Day Dream

"AUGH! My eye! Help me find my eye!"

So, it occurs to me that, in the effort to find the quick and easy solution, i've partially blinded myself to some facts. Facts that i remember, always, and never let myself forget. My bad luck, in love, didn't start when i got to Georgia. That started way back when i started finding girls interesting. That started when i was six. It only started getting Really painful (i.e., having actual Relationships crash around my ears, and not simply unrequited loves) after my move here. But that's only because i started dating, here. It would have happened in DC, had I been there....

Any way, simply thought i'd note that little fact, and admit to my self-delusionment.

Later