"I'd kill myself, but I'd probably go to Hell, and that would be redundant."

[wolven7]

George Harrison - [I Got My Mind Set On You]--- For so many reasons... Plus i despise the suicide thing, personally... Anyway. There are so many complications, in thinking about what i want to do. When i think about staying here (David Bowie -[Let's Dance]), i see nothing but a repeating cycle of the same shit i've been going through, since i got to Georgia. The continual bringing up of hope, with the eventually and (seemingly) inevitable let down. Do i want to go through this, for however long i'll be living here, with nothing to look forward to? And it's not simply the housing thing (though people should stop wondering why i live out of boxes, now). It's everything. Houses, relationships. Anything i could have Hope for has, thus far, eventually come crashing down, around my ears. (The Cure - [Friday I'm In Love]). LOL. Funny. But as i was saying, that's what i see, when i look at Georgia. So what do i see, when i look at DC?

Nothing. I look at my hometown, the town of my birth and first 13 years of life, and i see nothing. No prospects, no potential, and no ability for true growth. I know no one in DC, anymore. Everyone i've ever known has moved on. To places like Yale. That's a completely different set of depressing thoughts. Let's focus on this set, for awhile longer. DC holds nothing for me, but family, which is, in itself, a nice thing. (AC/DC - [You Shook Me All Night Long]). The problem, however, lies in the fact that i have no physical, immediate friendship base, there. So i'm stranded, without emotional support. (Garbage - #1 Crush]). Granted, i'll still have all of my online friends, and the ability to contact people, should i need to, but that's not the same, and you all know it. So, which of these things is preferable? Stagnation and repetition? Or Emptiness, and mundanity? Heh.

Had a Dream, last night, about going into the castle of Order. It reminded me, oddly enough, of The Castle, in "Kafka." Set up in that rigid, orderly manner. Also saw the connections of Nature, and the Universe, and explained to some people about the Lives and Dreams of Cities. It was a fair evening, overall. I now have a Sobe, and a warm bed, in which to sleep. So, all in all, life's not really that bad... Kind of....

Bad Religion - [Infected]--- So, anyway, indeed. I should probably shower, soon, and perhaps get some sleep. I'll need my rest for talking about all of this shit, more, with my family, tomorrow. Fun. Fun. Feh. Perhaps i can find someone to talk to me, before i go... Maybe bitch and moan, some more, and try to figure this shite out...

And i remember the days when i would write eight paragraphs, here, on an average. Now i'm lucky if i get a solid five. i should probably be upset about this. And i am, kind of. i don't know what to say, anymore. There's so little that i haven't said. My daily life isn't interesting enough, for me to expound upon, and my emotions, other than anger, are difficult for me to express, by way of writing. (James Taylor - [Fire and Rain]). So i don't try, much. Not here... Any way, i'm babbling, and i should probably get going, if i'm going to go. I'll talk to you all later.

Dream Well

Comments

Well...

[(Anonymous)]

You may not want to hear it, but those kinds of cycles are generally not place-oriented. Also, while i'm pissing you off, if certain emotions are difficult to express that may be all the more reason that you should.
Call and rant at me, i'm pretty much home after 9:30-ish.

kat

Re: Well...

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Well they are not generally so, this one only began, here. The point is that, for whatever reason it started, i may be able to break out of it, if i were somewhere else. Somewhere new. Or if i had some raeson to Stay, here. As much as i love all of my friends, here, and everywhere, i need more of a reason, if i'm going to Stay, and change this shit. I'd need more of a reason to move to DC, too, so i guess it all evens out. Fuck it. I'll call, wednesday. i leave thursday.

Personal Opinion

[(Anonymous)]

They're like assholes, everyone has one, but....
I think *anything* is preferable to stagnation because it will always provide more options. If you stagnate, you're stuck, fucked and probably at that place/time/mindset for a looong time through sheer inertia.
The Mechanical One, Bein' Shleepy..

Re: Personal Opinion

[wolven.livejournal.com]

It's truye, but the question is "Do i have the strength of will and principle to remove myself from the comforts of stagnation and entropy, before it erodes me?" Because it's easy to sink into this, and be, at once, appalled and comforted by it. So which do i do? I want to bring the people with me, to new situations. But that ain't gonna fly.

[xabigailx.livejournal.com]

I can be your friend in DC!!!

Re:

[wolven.livejournal.com]

So True :) Thank you.