"...until you bleed."
May. 26th, 2012 11:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7What are you?
What do you want to do?
What do you want to be?
What do you worry no one will accept?
I'm a monster. A magician. A wizard. A teacher. An adorer of science.
I want to write and think and talk about magic and depravity and sinuous wonder and world-warping perceptions and show people how learning and understanding more about any and everything is the better part of being and becoming.
I want to be unapologetically who and what I am. I want to be the kind of person who simply Is and Does and Knows. I want to be able to know that what I am and want to do will hurt others, to be able to weigh that in the balance, and Be Myself Anyway.
I worry that no one will accept... that. All of that. Me. And the fact that I worry about it at all is the key that fuels that last want.
I don't know if you know it, but you're important to me. You matter to me. If you ask me what it is I "get" from knowing you, you'll most likely get a detailed answer. Sure, in some cases, the answer is "more data needed," but even the fact that I'm still gathering the data should tell you something, right?
I want to build a city or an island, or whatever, with little individually climate-control domes, and I want to populate this place with everyone I know, and keep you around, all the time, and also not have to see you, ever, if you don't want to be seen.
This is losing the thread.
I want to rule this world, if only so I have the time to not have to worry about work and bullshit, and can just cook and talk and laugh and debauch and deprave with friends, forever.
What do you want to do?
What do you want to be?
What do you worry no one will accept?
I'm a monster. A magician. A wizard. A teacher. An adorer of science.
I want to write and think and talk about magic and depravity and sinuous wonder and world-warping perceptions and show people how learning and understanding more about any and everything is the better part of being and becoming.
I want to be unapologetically who and what I am. I want to be the kind of person who simply Is and Does and Knows. I want to be able to know that what I am and want to do will hurt others, to be able to weigh that in the balance, and Be Myself Anyway.
I worry that no one will accept... that. All of that. Me. And the fact that I worry about it at all is the key that fuels that last want.
I don't know if you know it, but you're important to me. You matter to me. If you ask me what it is I "get" from knowing you, you'll most likely get a detailed answer. Sure, in some cases, the answer is "more data needed," but even the fact that I'm still gathering the data should tell you something, right?
I want to build a city or an island, or whatever, with little individually climate-control domes, and I want to populate this place with everyone I know, and keep you around, all the time, and also not have to see you, ever, if you don't want to be seen.
This is losing the thread.
I want to rule this world, if only so I have the time to not have to worry about work and bullshit, and can just cook and talk and laugh and debauch and deprave with friends, forever.
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no subject
Date: 2012-05-27 10:32 pm (UTC)Speaking from personal experience, I find the key re: dealing with this sort of thing is to stay focused on the difference between "some will not accept" and "no one will accept."
"Some will not accept" is more or less an eventuality. Generally speaking I see three ways of dealing with such people: 1) shuffle them into a shallower intimacy zone, e.g. "apparently this person is an acquaintance rather than a friend"; 2) kick them to the curb; 3) kick them on the curb.
In my view, these are all better options than trying to make the person happy at your own expense, or allowing them to be a drain on one's self-confidence when quite often, they are not even trying to understand why you are doing what you are doing or why you are the way you are.
It is all the more important to eliminate such people from one's life (either partially or totally), I think, because it is when they are allowed to stick around and there is more than one of them that the "no one will accept" vibe starts to seem like it is being validated. It seems to be a sadly common human urge to use a few isolated incidents to found an "all" statement, in order to justify the intensity of disappointment one feels that such incidents happen at all. ("Nothing I try ever works" in response to a brief spate of bad luck is a similar kind of distortion.) I think this can create an unfortunate situation in which one is actually surrounded by friends, family, lovers etc. who do accept oneself, but one does not feel this acceptance because of how disappointed one is to not be accepted by certain other parties. Avoiding the "certain other parties" in question thus strikes me as one way of preventing that situation from arising.
I don't know you very well, so I wouldn't be surprised if there are nuances of your situation that I'm not aware of that may render these thoughts somewhat "not applicable." But for some reason I found I was very struck by these particular lines in your entry, so I still wanted to say something.
Also, I find it interesting that you associate [ruling the world] with [having time to not have to worry about bullshit]. I'd have thought ruling the world would mean MORE bullshit to deal with... whereas perhaps a better combination of power and leisure would be to become the sexy consort of the person who does the actual ruling. (Especially since those suit pictures you periodically post seem to imply that you could probably manage alright on this front.) But that's just the way I look at it. ;)