"Keep it secret." "In strict confidence."

[wolven7]

Have realised something, today, which caused me to parse and find particular nuance, in a distinction. In order these are:

1) I hate secrets, but I love being held in confidences.

To me, the difference is that a secret implies stasis-- it implies that the situation of the secret is one which should stay unknown, and thus unchanged-- whereas a confidence usually pertains to an oncomming situation.

Discussion with a friend about this led me to

2) Secrets are almost always exclusionary and diminishing. They are there to keep something from someone else, and someone holding a secret for someone else almost always feels the need to be shriven of it. Confidences, on the other hand, are inclusive, and they enrich those who share them, making the confidant feel emboldened and knowing. Both are better for it.

But some things are both secret and confided. Some things mustn't change, until a particular time, and no one else must know, ever, but it is absolutely vital that You Know. And, i realise, one can think they are sharing a confidence, while the other feels they've been burdened with a secret.

The class "Secrets," then, could be seen as a super class, containing within it the subclass "Confidences," such that all confidences are a type of secret, but not all secrets may be esteemed as confidences.

Thoughts?

Comments

[lupagreenwolf.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I can see that in a Venn Diagram sort of way.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

We DREW A Venn Diagram!

[jerem-morrow.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Why thank you.

[jerem-morrow.livejournal.com]

Like minds DEARGAWDWENEEDTADRINKTOGETHER.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Yes. We. Do.

[bakeneko.livejournal.com]

Love that song~

Nothing useful to contribute here X3

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Love the whole album. So Great.

[smartlikeatruck.livejournal.com]

For me, secrets always involve a sort of mental negotiation. I do not really live my own life in such a way that secrets must be kept, though I tend to compartmentalize who gets to know what about me(mostly because of where I work, and my attitudes toward certain topics). When I do tell a secret, which happens very rarely, my reluctance results in an exchange of secrets. I tell them something, they tell me something.
This isn't a thing I seek, but it has happened enough times that I thing it more comfortable that simply unburdening myself to another. The benefit of such an exchange is that BOTH parties then feel they are freed from their own secret, that they feel that their secret is safe with the other, and other's secrets do not weigh so heavily on them.
Of course, it depends upon the nature of the secret.

Some secrets are secrets because to release them into the public sphere would open one to the judgement of others, perhaps unwarranted. Sexual secrets, secrets of childhood, abuse from the past, problems with substances, etc. It hurts the owner to keep them hidden, but they cannot share them at large. This is the sort of secret that does not burden the listener.
Secrets related to work, in any industry, are different. Eventually, such things will out. I see your point about confidences- they are almost thrilling, as you know something before anyone else does.

This response is dragging on too long. Yeesh, I'm wordy.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

No, I appreciate wordy.

And you're right, there: The mutual sharing of secrets allows the burdens to be shared, which, I think, begins building the road to confidences. Any sharing of the hidden, for the sake of healing and growth, I would put further from secrets and more into confidences. They bring change, and work toward the betterment of the people involved.

I do my best to turn all secrets with which I'm entrusted into confidences.

[smartlikeatruck.livejournal.com]

Interesting. By what means? Internal? Or by talking to the other?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Talking and discussing the nature of the secret with the person who told, as often as they're willing and able.

[smartlikeatruck.livejournal.com]

I would tend to agree with that method, for most people. I've had the experience of being a secret keeper for someone for a long time. The shame of abuse lies with the victim, which is a horrible thing. The only thing that can really alter that is to reassure them, to talk to them about it.

Thank you for posting this. I've got all sort of bees buzzing in my brain now.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

No problem, at all. I appreciate your comments, and thoughts on it. :)

[drgnsyr.livejournal.com]

I keep very, very few (of my own) secrets in my life. Arguably none if a significant other knowing it disqualifies it as a secret. However, I do not feel this disqualifies me from having confidences. There are things I would not share with the public at large because I assume that they 1) wouldn't care or 2) wouldn't understand. However, I personally have no objection to them knowing. I feel that the people I choose to talk to are still being held in confidence - even though it wouldn't upset me for them to talk about it with others.

Therefore, I do not feel that confidences are a subset of secrets, but rather, as stated above, simply have the potential for a venn overlap. Because if I tell someone something personal, while I may not have an expectation of privacy regarding that information, I do still expect it to be ... respected. I don't want them joking about it to someone else, or mentioning it out of context, etc.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

You make really good points, here, but one could ask, "Are they really confidences, if anyone can have them?"

I'd say yes, because it's about the context in which they gain them, and about them respecting the information as it's intended, as you noted. With this in mind, I would agree that they more overlap and interconnect, sharing a space, but not being wholly subservient to one another.

[drgnsyr.livejournal.com]

Right. I am still trusting someone with information, confident that they will not use it to my detriment. Not because the information is secret, but because it is personal. While it is not information I object to others having, it is also not information I choose to share with everyone, for whatever reason.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Yes. Hm. Thank you for this.

[halafax.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you share a secret with someone because you have to find out for yourself if the person or people that you are keeping the information from should know. Its like you tell a secret to someone, and as you discuss the secret you find out if its worth keeping. For instance if someone were to tell me that they were cheating on their significant other with their significant other's sibling, then the question to be brought to the table is whether or not the significant other should know. If they should know about that then why not tell them. On the other hand if someone were to tell me that the reason the JFK were killed was to keep the world from being invaded by giant scorpions with fish heads, then Id keep that secret. Remember the original twilight zone movie? or maybe it was creep show, I forget. but the man and his best friend are attacked by gargoyle, the gargoyle tells the man never to tell anyone about what happened. So after years and years he tells, only to find out that the love of his life is the monster that killed his best friend? Moral of the story some secrets should be kept.
What Im saying here is that sometimes its a matter of perspective as to what and why you are keeping the secret. I have come to the conclusion over the years to make my life an open book. I dont keep secrets, and I tell anyone anything they want to know about me. If they dont like what they hear, oh well. But if someone is keep a secret maybe for their own moral sanity then maybe its best they continue it. Sometimes people who keep secrets are trying to keep themselves from getting hurt, more than other people.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Very true. Some people need them, so they don't do themselves more immediate damage.

[unawake.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com)]

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[wolven.livejournal.com]

Well said. ;)

[unawake.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com)]

I am a big nerd.