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wolven7I need to do some serious thinking in the next two weeks.
Rasputina - [Our Lies]--- I have to figure out if the expense is worth it. If I care enough about it. Honestly, my thought is No. Not at this stage, I don't. But my mother and I made a deal, when I was very young: I can do and become whatever I want, as long as I can support myself, with whatever that is. I have become a teacher, a scholar of religious traditions and pratices, a philosopher, a magician, a writer, a researcher, and a project planner, and the only time I've ever made money at them was when I was In Graduate School. (Regina Spektor - [Field Below]). So I need to be honest with myself about what makes me happy, about what I can do and how I can survive, while being happy.
I have a very had time bracketting my life, as I'm sure you've noticed; I don't do well separating out the areas "Work," "School," "Life," "Passion," "Politics," "Interests," etc. They all intermix, for me, and I need to be in a place where I can make them all function, together. I don't want to work a job I hate, ever again. I don't want to suffer through bullshit and petty inter-office, or inter-departmental politics, ever again. I don't want to not know if I'm going to be able to both eat and make rent, because I'm stuck in a job well below my pay-grade and that has nothing to do with what I went to school for, all because our society is built on an unsustainably, suicidally short-term kind of thinking about money, value, worth, and so on, Ever Again.
Handsome Boy Modeling School& Miho Hatori of Cibo Matto - [Metaphysical]--- This combination of traits is bullshit, and the fact that I can't get enough people to simply see it for the bullshit that they all know it is, every second of every day, is maddening. Every day you sigh, you say, "That's not right," or "Man that sucks," or "This isn't fair... But Life's not fair," Like accepting that is some kind of saintly "realism." Like the unfairness of life as a brute fact makes your acquiescence to its continuance as such "acceptable." (MC Frontalot - [Origin of Species]). Hhume taught us the fallacy of that kind of thinking, in that just because it is natural does not mean that it is good. Simply because something Is does not necessitate that it should Continue To Be.
People are shit? Try to help them be better. People judge too much based on outward appearances? Give them too manay resounding reasons not to do that. (Tool - [Part of Me]). The world does a thing you find unjust, then goddammit, do something to make them stop fucking Doing it. You're not the only person who feels this way. I'm not the only person who feels this way. Grab on to your convictions, like a fucking drowning individual, put yourself in power, and fucking change things. Not just one person at a time, but waves of people, at a time, people who care more about making life good and great and Better, for everything, Everyone, than about money and power and fancy dinners and cigars and bullshit. That bullshit isn't just good because you have it and other people don't, and if it is? You need to take a step way the fuck back.
Queens of the Stone Age - [The Sky Is Fallin']--- I mean right the fuck now.
No. The world isn't fair. No the world has NEVER been fair, but that doesn't mean we can't try to make it fair. That doesn't mean we can't learn from hundreds of thousands of years of human history to move forward and say that everyone starts level. Whatever happens after that, everyone starts with all the education, all the context, all the options, all the acces, all the practice, and they get to chose, from a fullness, not a lack. But we try and we compromise, and we lose tiny pieces of ourselves, when we do, too much, and we don't notice, because they're small. Principles wear down and, eventually, we're content to hack out a tiny niche of nothing, in the corner of the department, saying things to people who won't change much, even as they refine their endge to a monofilament wire.
The Distillers - [Old Scratch]--- Fuck it. I don't want to deal with politics, anymore. I don't want to hide parts of myself to get into departments. Do you know why? Because that's how they get you. I'm absolutely fucking serious, this time, and you need to listen: (Tom Waits - [Intro 1]). THAT IS HOW THEY GET YOU. What world do we live in, right now? We live in the world where we are online, all the time, we are sharing ourselves, all the time, we are leaving traces and breadcrumbs for any and everyone to find, All The Time. (Bat For Lashes - The Wizard). If you search for two of my screen names, in conjunction, you can start a trail of following that can get you to places you never wanted to see, in me. The more you know about me, the more you can know about me, and all you need to start is any three names; it's like magic. So you can find my thesis, and my twitter page and my teaching status, and my GPA, and my student evaluations, and my facebook, and my old webpage, and my AIM SN, and probably archives of conversations, with a not-very-intensive search. These are the effluvia and excretia of life, today, and they are just about the only thing we know about anyone.
Rasputina& Marilyn Manson - [Transylvanian Concubine]--- So why must we dress it up? Why do we have to "Make The effort," to "Play the game?" To "show willing," even? What the fuck is that, if not saying to yourself and others, "I am willing to lie to you and myself about who and what I am, in order to get through the day," then? Is it worth it? Is it useful, in the slightest? What does it do for our society, to base the idea that we can trust each other on the fact of openly lying to one another, all the time? What kind of sustainability is that?
I want to learn. I want to teach. I want to write and talk to serious-minded people, people who give a shit about the thing they're discussing, and aren't just in it for lulz. (VNV Nation - [Carry You]). I want people to want to give a shit, and have honest passions, and drive, and a society where we can do this, and the norm is respect for it, and a desire to continue it, rather than a call to tone it down, and submit. To only share so much, or your job might find out. To only be so much, or other people might be able to discern something unseemly about you.
This society is not that one, but I swear to every god there is that I will do what I can, say what I can, write what I can, to make it one, with every piece of what I do. And I don't know that I can do that, in academia. Or a coffee shop. Or politics. I don't know that I can do that in any single field, ever. I think I need to do it in all of them. But the question is still, is that necessary first step to being given a forum in which to speak the "legitimacy" that comes with more abbreviations, after my name?
I think concepts, well. I discourse and synthesise new information, well. (Queen Sarah Saturday - [Seems]). I aid people in thinking differently about the things they deal with, every day. But I need to be let in the room, in the first place. I need to be anywhere near the room, so I can shoulder my way in, and convince everyone that I'm supposed to be there, in the first place, and of course I have my credentials, move along. Can I do that, without getting a doctorate? If so, what's my plan?
Tool - [10, 000 Days (Wings Pt 2)]--- I'm angry. At myself, at you, at the world, the "system," and our continual acquiesence to it. At the fact that we have entrenched ourselves in so much tribal, millenialist, eschatological, banal, day-to-day, go-along-to-get-along bullshit, that it's all anyone can do to get a genuine, non-commodified interest in changing the world for the better, from anyone who doesn't get so passionate and myopic about it that they sound like some kind of crazy fruit loop. Yes. I know.
But I see the rationalisations, the downsides, and the hardships, and I still say: There is a better way than this. There is a better world than this. We can make it, and I will take the first step for you. You can either wait and make sure I don't get hit by the traffic, or you can come out in such numbers and force that the flow of traffic has no option but to stop, change route, ask what the fuck is going on.
Just saying. Just asking. Still thinking.
Back later.
Rasputina - [Our Lies]--- I have to figure out if the expense is worth it. If I care enough about it. Honestly, my thought is No. Not at this stage, I don't. But my mother and I made a deal, when I was very young: I can do and become whatever I want, as long as I can support myself, with whatever that is. I have become a teacher, a scholar of religious traditions and pratices, a philosopher, a magician, a writer, a researcher, and a project planner, and the only time I've ever made money at them was when I was In Graduate School. (Regina Spektor - [Field Below]). So I need to be honest with myself about what makes me happy, about what I can do and how I can survive, while being happy.
I have a very had time bracketting my life, as I'm sure you've noticed; I don't do well separating out the areas "Work," "School," "Life," "Passion," "Politics," "Interests," etc. They all intermix, for me, and I need to be in a place where I can make them all function, together. I don't want to work a job I hate, ever again. I don't want to suffer through bullshit and petty inter-office, or inter-departmental politics, ever again. I don't want to not know if I'm going to be able to both eat and make rent, because I'm stuck in a job well below my pay-grade and that has nothing to do with what I went to school for, all because our society is built on an unsustainably, suicidally short-term kind of thinking about money, value, worth, and so on, Ever Again.
Handsome Boy Modeling School& Miho Hatori of Cibo Matto - [Metaphysical]--- This combination of traits is bullshit, and the fact that I can't get enough people to simply see it for the bullshit that they all know it is, every second of every day, is maddening. Every day you sigh, you say, "That's not right," or "Man that sucks," or "This isn't fair... But Life's not fair," Like accepting that is some kind of saintly "realism." Like the unfairness of life as a brute fact makes your acquiescence to its continuance as such "acceptable." (MC Frontalot - [Origin of Species]). Hhume taught us the fallacy of that kind of thinking, in that just because it is natural does not mean that it is good. Simply because something Is does not necessitate that it should Continue To Be.
People are shit? Try to help them be better. People judge too much based on outward appearances? Give them too manay resounding reasons not to do that. (Tool - [Part of Me]). The world does a thing you find unjust, then goddammit, do something to make them stop fucking Doing it. You're not the only person who feels this way. I'm not the only person who feels this way. Grab on to your convictions, like a fucking drowning individual, put yourself in power, and fucking change things. Not just one person at a time, but waves of people, at a time, people who care more about making life good and great and Better, for everything, Everyone, than about money and power and fancy dinners and cigars and bullshit. That bullshit isn't just good because you have it and other people don't, and if it is? You need to take a step way the fuck back.
Queens of the Stone Age - [The Sky Is Fallin']--- I mean right the fuck now.
No. The world isn't fair. No the world has NEVER been fair, but that doesn't mean we can't try to make it fair. That doesn't mean we can't learn from hundreds of thousands of years of human history to move forward and say that everyone starts level. Whatever happens after that, everyone starts with all the education, all the context, all the options, all the acces, all the practice, and they get to chose, from a fullness, not a lack. But we try and we compromise, and we lose tiny pieces of ourselves, when we do, too much, and we don't notice, because they're small. Principles wear down and, eventually, we're content to hack out a tiny niche of nothing, in the corner of the department, saying things to people who won't change much, even as they refine their endge to a monofilament wire.
The Distillers - [Old Scratch]--- Fuck it. I don't want to deal with politics, anymore. I don't want to hide parts of myself to get into departments. Do you know why? Because that's how they get you. I'm absolutely fucking serious, this time, and you need to listen: (Tom Waits - [Intro 1]). THAT IS HOW THEY GET YOU. What world do we live in, right now? We live in the world where we are online, all the time, we are sharing ourselves, all the time, we are leaving traces and breadcrumbs for any and everyone to find, All The Time. (Bat For Lashes - The Wizard). If you search for two of my screen names, in conjunction, you can start a trail of following that can get you to places you never wanted to see, in me. The more you know about me, the more you can know about me, and all you need to start is any three names; it's like magic. So you can find my thesis, and my twitter page and my teaching status, and my GPA, and my student evaluations, and my facebook, and my old webpage, and my AIM SN, and probably archives of conversations, with a not-very-intensive search. These are the effluvia and excretia of life, today, and they are just about the only thing we know about anyone.
Rasputina& Marilyn Manson - [Transylvanian Concubine]--- So why must we dress it up? Why do we have to "Make The effort," to "Play the game?" To "show willing," even? What the fuck is that, if not saying to yourself and others, "I am willing to lie to you and myself about who and what I am, in order to get through the day," then? Is it worth it? Is it useful, in the slightest? What does it do for our society, to base the idea that we can trust each other on the fact of openly lying to one another, all the time? What kind of sustainability is that?
I want to learn. I want to teach. I want to write and talk to serious-minded people, people who give a shit about the thing they're discussing, and aren't just in it for lulz. (VNV Nation - [Carry You]). I want people to want to give a shit, and have honest passions, and drive, and a society where we can do this, and the norm is respect for it, and a desire to continue it, rather than a call to tone it down, and submit. To only share so much, or your job might find out. To only be so much, or other people might be able to discern something unseemly about you.
This society is not that one, but I swear to every god there is that I will do what I can, say what I can, write what I can, to make it one, with every piece of what I do. And I don't know that I can do that, in academia. Or a coffee shop. Or politics. I don't know that I can do that in any single field, ever. I think I need to do it in all of them. But the question is still, is that necessary first step to being given a forum in which to speak the "legitimacy" that comes with more abbreviations, after my name?
I think concepts, well. I discourse and synthesise new information, well. (Queen Sarah Saturday - [Seems]). I aid people in thinking differently about the things they deal with, every day. But I need to be let in the room, in the first place. I need to be anywhere near the room, so I can shoulder my way in, and convince everyone that I'm supposed to be there, in the first place, and of course I have my credentials, move along. Can I do that, without getting a doctorate? If so, what's my plan?
Tool - [10, 000 Days (Wings Pt 2)]--- I'm angry. At myself, at you, at the world, the "system," and our continual acquiesence to it. At the fact that we have entrenched ourselves in so much tribal, millenialist, eschatological, banal, day-to-day, go-along-to-get-along bullshit, that it's all anyone can do to get a genuine, non-commodified interest in changing the world for the better, from anyone who doesn't get so passionate and myopic about it that they sound like some kind of crazy fruit loop. Yes. I know.
But I see the rationalisations, the downsides, and the hardships, and I still say: There is a better way than this. There is a better world than this. We can make it, and I will take the first step for you. You can either wait and make sure I don't get hit by the traffic, or you can come out in such numbers and force that the flow of traffic has no option but to stop, change route, ask what the fuck is going on.
Just saying. Just asking. Still thinking.
Back later.
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no subject
Date: 2010-02-27 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-27 07:29 pm (UTC)You Speak for Many
Date: 2010-02-27 06:36 pm (UTC)I'm working, barely, but I'm fed and warm and obviously have the internet. And I have friends, new ones I've been open with, and old ones who love me no matter what (although they still don't get it). I'm free. There are people who won't like it, and people who will like the idea of it but perhaps not the implementation. You know the ones I refer to, those who say they admire you for your "individuality" (another fucked-up buzzword), and chastise you with the next breath.
Tonight is my first "social outing" since my return to this city. I will see friends, strangers, ex-lovers. We'll see how well this open-and-honest thing holds up under the cold neon and colder drinks. Am I strong enough to be who I am? I'm rooting for me. I might crumble. Or I might stop the flow of traffic. (Perhaps this would be the perfect time to start my own blog.) Fuck the "system".
Ha, I just rebelled anonymously. It's a start.
CW
Re: You Speak for Many
Date: 2010-02-27 07:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-27 10:33 pm (UTC)And I agree about the breadcrumbs we leave for one another; sometimes the anonymous words of others online are all we have to remind us that we can be more, we can inspire others, we can fight difficult battles, we can struggle to learn more about and improve this world. The trouble with breadcrumbs, though, is that they tend to disappear. They're ephemeral. They can nourish us briefly and lead us places but in the end? We need real substance, real architecture, real infrastructure (note that I'm not saying the internet isn't "real"; instead, I think we need more than glimpses into others' lives, we need shared connections and community that materialize in more concrete ways).
I'm less inclined to leave a breadcrumb trail where I step; you can find me on FB and Twitter pretty easily, but I don't advertise my LJ as widely, nor my modeling portfolio, and so on. I guess I'm scared that if the wrong people follow the breadcrumb trail, they'll find a candy house and decide that there's a witch in it who needs to be burned in her own oven. Okay, I think I'm leaving the breadscrumbs behind now; trust me to follow a fairy-tale metaphor to its destination...
Anyway, I think you're spot-on with a lot of this. I'm still struggling with these issues, too. Mostly, I've reached the conclusion that I'm Good At research and teaching, and I've figured out how to "play their game" enough that others will recognize that I'm good at these things, and give me a shot at it. So I've made my peace with academic legitimacy to some degree, but I'm still figuring out issues like transparency about my many identities, etc.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-28 12:14 am (UTC)instead, I think we need more than glimpses into others' lives, we need shared connections and community that materialize in more concrete ways
This is precisely the flip side of that problem, but I lost the thread, and forgot to talk about it. These little bits and pieces become all there are of us, and they, themselves, become watered down to match and be "Okay."
trust me to follow a fairy-tale metaphor to its destination...
This was exactly the metaphor for which I was going. Thank you.
My problem is that, when I play it, I'm damn fine at the game, but it wearies me to the point that even a brief exchange like this would be seen as some kind of Holy Light Of Salvation, and would then be gone, too soon. It makes the good Really good, but short, and the bad is even worse.
I guess I'm saying that anyone having to play the game at all is exactly the kind of thing I'm looking to change.