Working through some issues
Jan. 24th, 2009 03:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7So, first of all, the available permutations of the traditional Celtic Cross are something more like 4.5 Quintillion, than the previously stated "hundreds of quadrillions." Just a note.
Tom Waits - [Singapore (Live)]--- Secondly, I'vec been thinking, a lot, about the things I used to be able to do, without much consideration, and I'm wondering what's changed.
I used to be able to gather a group of any 6 people together, and make them Talk to each other. To communicate and actually get shit out in the open, rather than letting it fester and turn nasty. This was, for a while, ointegral to keeping at least one group of my friends together as friends. We called them Porch Meetings. We'd sit around, smoke, talk, and tell each other anything we needed to get off our chests, good or bad, weird or indifferent. Whatever. The setting and nature of my life, at current, is such that I don't think this could happen, again, or anything much like it, and that kind of bothers the shit out of me, because I think... Well I think a lot of us need it.
I think about the need for a clean slate, or at least an empty mind, often. Of turning everyone into everyone else's screaming tree, unburdening everything to the people who supposedly mean something, in your life. Everything. No judgments, no recriminations, just openness, mutual vulnerability, expressions of trust. (Nine Inch Nails - [The Great Destroyer]). Or just Expressions.
I don't know that these Porch Meetings were a good thing, though, and I don't know how many people who attended them still read this space, so it's kind of hard to gauge their longer-term success. I say this because I don't think that any of the people who attended those meetings still talk to each other on a regular basis, or at all.
I worry, more often than I care to admit, about the number of lives I've "ruined." The people whose lives have turned out differently than they intended, specifically because of their knowing me. Differently and, in their eyes, for the worse. (Tom Waits - [Innocent When You Dream (Live)]). I worry that they hold grudges, have concocted long-term plans and schemes, designed to destroy my life at some crucial moment. I am, sometimes, kind of paranoid. Realistically, academically, I know that these people don't think about me, much, if at all. They have moved on, built new lives, emerged changed, as we all do.
But what if they haven't? It's a very unique kind of narcissism, to think that anyone would care that much about you, for that long. But it's a kind of which I am apparently capable.
Often, I find myself wondering at predilections, sexual, social, atypical choices and preferences, and I try to trace them to some source, some Event that made That Mode of interaction seem one of the best. Sometimes I fail, though. I find no point or purpose, no Ur-Moment, where a preference was generated and coalesced.
Imogen Heap - [The Moment I Said It]--- I think about trust issues, about a deep need for people to Trust Me, even as I withhold full and complete trust, from them. About how rare it is for me to give something of myself to someone, that I haven't already given to someone else. I only spread around the pieces of myself that are already on the board. That way, no matter who you are, you only have the same damning information that at least three other people already have. I've said, before, the only way to know anything new about me is to already know pretty much everything about me. Because then you're just watching it unfold, like the rest of us.
And that? That I don't mind, for some reason. You being there, as things happen? I'm pretty cools with that. Because then I know where you are. Then I can watch what you're doing. Then I don't have to Trust you, because I can figure you, as we go. I can trust you to be you.
It's a whole big thing.
Anyway. Hello, LiveJournal Land. I hadn't written anything of real substance, in a while, and I wanted to say hello. These are just the things that have been floating around my head, the past few days and weeks.
Gorillaz - [Double Bass]--- Lot of work to do today. Cleaning and writing. I'll talk to you soon.
Tom Waits - [Singapore (Live)]--- Secondly, I'vec been thinking, a lot, about the things I used to be able to do, without much consideration, and I'm wondering what's changed.
I used to be able to gather a group of any 6 people together, and make them Talk to each other. To communicate and actually get shit out in the open, rather than letting it fester and turn nasty. This was, for a while, ointegral to keeping at least one group of my friends together as friends. We called them Porch Meetings. We'd sit around, smoke, talk, and tell each other anything we needed to get off our chests, good or bad, weird or indifferent. Whatever. The setting and nature of my life, at current, is such that I don't think this could happen, again, or anything much like it, and that kind of bothers the shit out of me, because I think... Well I think a lot of us need it.
I think about the need for a clean slate, or at least an empty mind, often. Of turning everyone into everyone else's screaming tree, unburdening everything to the people who supposedly mean something, in your life. Everything. No judgments, no recriminations, just openness, mutual vulnerability, expressions of trust. (Nine Inch Nails - [The Great Destroyer]). Or just Expressions.
I don't know that these Porch Meetings were a good thing, though, and I don't know how many people who attended them still read this space, so it's kind of hard to gauge their longer-term success. I say this because I don't think that any of the people who attended those meetings still talk to each other on a regular basis, or at all.
I worry, more often than I care to admit, about the number of lives I've "ruined." The people whose lives have turned out differently than they intended, specifically because of their knowing me. Differently and, in their eyes, for the worse. (Tom Waits - [Innocent When You Dream (Live)]). I worry that they hold grudges, have concocted long-term plans and schemes, designed to destroy my life at some crucial moment. I am, sometimes, kind of paranoid. Realistically, academically, I know that these people don't think about me, much, if at all. They have moved on, built new lives, emerged changed, as we all do.
But what if they haven't? It's a very unique kind of narcissism, to think that anyone would care that much about you, for that long. But it's a kind of which I am apparently capable.
Often, I find myself wondering at predilections, sexual, social, atypical choices and preferences, and I try to trace them to some source, some Event that made That Mode of interaction seem one of the best. Sometimes I fail, though. I find no point or purpose, no Ur-Moment, where a preference was generated and coalesced.
Imogen Heap - [The Moment I Said It]--- I think about trust issues, about a deep need for people to Trust Me, even as I withhold full and complete trust, from them. About how rare it is for me to give something of myself to someone, that I haven't already given to someone else. I only spread around the pieces of myself that are already on the board. That way, no matter who you are, you only have the same damning information that at least three other people already have. I've said, before, the only way to know anything new about me is to already know pretty much everything about me. Because then you're just watching it unfold, like the rest of us.
And that? That I don't mind, for some reason. You being there, as things happen? I'm pretty cools with that. Because then I know where you are. Then I can watch what you're doing. Then I don't have to Trust you, because I can figure you, as we go. I can trust you to be you.
It's a whole big thing.
Anyway. Hello, LiveJournal Land. I hadn't written anything of real substance, in a while, and I wanted to say hello. These are just the things that have been floating around my head, the past few days and weeks.
Gorillaz - [Double Bass]--- Lot of work to do today. Cleaning and writing. I'll talk to you soon.
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no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 08:29 pm (UTC)Order is important and repetitions not allowed.
It takes all 78 cards, and finds all the different possible combinations of 10, with no repeats of cards, of course.
It comes out to 4.56617696981846e+18 or 4,566,176,968,184,600,000
no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 10:58 pm (UTC)no matter how you slice it though the numbers are huuuuuuuuge.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-24 08:31 pm (UTC)6.35836655471509e+21