Scattered and Shattered

[wolven7]

It's a new thing Waffle House is trying: hashbrowns and broken glass.

I'm all over the place, today. I have thoughts in my head about magic, about sex, about professionalism, about academia, about what I want and need from a PhD program. (Tom Waits - [Singapore (Live)]). I have thoughts about sex and death and violence and revenge and truth and lies and trust and meaning.

Every one of these things is a treacherous territory, right now. Everyone of these things means something different, or dangerous or depressing, or... Something. Something I don't feel like dealing with, in either the short or the long term.

I feel like I'm not doing enough to find a PhD program that will accommodate me and my areas of interest. I feel like I'm not good enough to convince people that they should want to talk about magic.

Dethklok - [Dethharmonic]--- Magic is not widely academically accepted. "Magic doesn't work" is the reasoning. "Magic is illogical." "Magic is irrational." "Magic is nonsense." "Harry Potter is not a valid field of study." And so on. I have chosen to defend, hold to the fore, and make the world accept a thing that is laughed at when talked about, at all. Something that is of-the-past, if it was ever of any time. People don't think that magic exists, in any real sense, and no matter the reasoned argument, no matter the experiential inquest, no matter the blurring of the lines of subjectivity, objectivity and intersubjectivity, I fear that I won't see the shift and change in these things, in my lifetime.

Tom Waits - [Get Behind The Mule (Live)]--- My academic career is effectively curtailed, at this point. Until I find the thing, people, and places that have a crack in the armour, just wide enough to stick a knife, I am treading water. I am staying things, over and over, I am speaking to an audience who, I'm pretty sure, hears me, but I don't know the things for which they're listening. I don't know how to make it resonant, anymore. I don't know how to make you understand that I keep saying these things, I keep ranting about politics and magic and change and betterment, because there are so very few people who actually believe in any of this shit, and i really want you to be one of them. I really want you to look at the world, yourself, and go "Fuck it. I'll do Something." And talk about that something that you did, that you Do, every day. I want the world to change, one person at a time, more quickly, more substantially, more clearly than at any other time in history, and I really truly believe that You have the power to make it happen.

I just don't think you believe it.

Why don't you believe it? Find the leverages, find the money, find the real solutions to real problems, and apply them. Change will happen. And that is scary and weird, but fuck it. It's better than choking on our own filth, drowning in a morass of decompossing bodies, feces, and used carburators, isn't it?

Gorillaz - [Latin Simone (Que Pasa Contigo)]--- So what does any of this have to do with anything? I don't know where to look, at all. I don't know where to start. I should start by seaching PhD dissertations that have come out, looking at magic in a serious light, as something with real effects, in the world, rather than a mental illness or some kind of willful-delusion, and look into the colleges from which those issued. I should contact the heads of those departments, and start the application process.

i think I'm coming to a place where I can articulate the project that I'm trying to do, on the whole; the end result of it. (The Dresden Dolls - [Pretty in Pink (Psychadelic Furs Cover)]). I'm looking to make the world an open and investigative animal, willing to approach and use any idea of any worth, rather than dismiss it out of hand. Magic is useful. Here's How:

Not that way. Do magic, and find the merging of lines and lives, the overlapping areas and synchronicities that well up, as you do it, ride them, find a centre, learn about yourself and the world, through those infinite new lenses and then ask me: How is this useful?

Those of you who do magic: How? Why?

I wonder about my worth. If you look at my CV and my references, I am an amazing candidate for a teaching position. Well-received by my students, well-liked by colleagues. But I don't have a job in the field. (The Dresden Dolls - [Dear Jenny]). Not only that, I don't even fucking hear back from most places, not even a "Sarah Palin" (that's a disingenuous "Thnaks-But-No-Thanks," for those of you keeping score). And, after a while, you can eliminate a few things, you know? You can toss out grades. You can toss out competition and the close market. And you're left with the fact that they see your fields of study, areas of concentration and expertise, and they decide that they don't want someone who thinks magic is real muddying up their nice little school.

Mindless Self Indulgence - [Prescription]--- And maybe I'm wrong, right? Maybe I just didn't stack up, some other way, right? And that's better, on the one, very specific hand, but far worse on another, broader hand. Because if that's the truth of the matter, there, then what does that mean for my PhD work? What does this say about that?

I'm not depressed, mind you. I'm pissed. I'm fucking Livid that this is the state of things, and I would really just like to know what exactly can be done about it. Tell me, and I'll do it. Mind-Control ray? Done. Turning the sky dark, and making the sun run backwards? Give me a few weeks, and it's done. (Ego Likeness - [Burn Witch Burn (Angelspit Remix)]). Just tell me what it is I need to do, and I'll Fucking Do It.

This is where money becomes an issue. Millions of dollars means I don't have to worry about these things, because I can throw money at the problem, and make them give me an endowed chair of magical studies in every school on the Eastern Seaboard.

Give me the money, and see if that's not what happens.

I have to go to work, now.

Comments

[plantyhamchuk.livejournal.com]

People DO believe in what you call magic, of sorts, but they it call other things. Why insist on using a term that many people are going to have a kneejerk reaction to? You're just interacting with their defenses, at that point. Of course it's not going to be widely accepted in academia.

Trying to convince people through debate or rationality that they are empowered and can enact change isn't the most effective way to do things, IME or O. People are animals, and like animals, most people run on fear. Fear that runs so deep they aren't consciously aware of it. As long as you interact with them on rational levels, you're never going to be able to confront the emotional basis which is ultimately the justification behind all their thought and actions. People are too busy defending against their own fears and anxieties to move forward.

Being really nice to people, including yourself, is a great way to create positive change in the world. It's something that's so easy to overlook, but it's really the basis for everything else.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Even that takes a long time.

[plantyhamchuk.livejournal.com]

Well of course, yet it's happening right now, even as we type these words between one another. That's the beauty of it. It's already happening, has been happening, and will continue to happen.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

True, but the focus and attention isn't as strong as it could be.

[plantyhamchuk.livejournal.com]

Really?

[necrophonic.livejournal.com]

I know this won't be of much comfort, but I've felt much the same, from a completely different perspective. I grew up with a baptist/evangelical background. I had to have arguments with schoolmates, teachers (science teachers, no less) and my family about whether the earth was 4000 years old, whether dinosaurs existed, etc...

And for all the arguing, there's nobody that is even listening. They just want to tell you you're wrong.

And creationists feel the same way in secular acedemic circles (and in my opinion, they should, because they're fucking nuts)

I don't believe in Harry Potter magic, I think what you call synchronicity, as I understand it, is coincodence, well within the realm of probability... Not only in the realm of probability, but a LACK of what you call synchronicity (as I understand it, perhaps not as you mean it) would mean a FAULT in the laws of probability.

Anton LaVey called magic "applied psychology". It was a way to focus his will, and ultimately try to use that focus to influence others.

When you and Mech Angel talk about magic and deities and all of those things, all of it seems *to me* to be just what LaVey talked about. I never seems like you're talking about Harry Potter magic. No translocation or telekinesis, or even telepathy.

To be honest, I've been straining through all of this to even find why you call these things magic, other than to do as LaVey did, and use that as a sort of focal aspect in itself. Sort of like calling yourself a Satanist instead of an Atheist, because you're then committing to some "thing" that you wouldn't normally be, even if those two words ultimately mean pretty much the exact same thing.

I know it seems like nobody's listening, and I'm sure of all people, it would seem like I'm not listening, but I'm hearing it, trying to find what you are thinking and formulating, what words and concepts are connected in your mind, and sometimes yes, I'm checking them against a handful of facts that I hold that may be different than your facts.

So often it just seems like a matter of semantics and words, and not core beliefs, but I keep looking to find if there's a core diference.

I'd have to parrot pllantyhamchuk, and say that your use of the word may be where you're going wrong... Using a word people use for something else, to imply something they have words for already.

And I suppose in the end the most frustrating thing is when people DO listen but still disagree, which... Again, I feel you on that one, just regarding different arguments.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I can always deal with a good discussion, even if someone thinks they disagree with me. That's fun.

And, in terms of magic, gods, etc, yes, they are applied psychological constructs, with certain effects, attributes, and emanations, but, in the same vein, so are you.

Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman's takes on gods most closely resemble what I believe about the situation.

So far as the term "magic," it means something of itself, and connotes a different conception of the workings of cause and effect, and a different way to think about manipulating them. I think it is fruitful, as a term, but it makes the work more difficult. I know this, and I think the potential gain is worth the difficulty.

Two things

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

1) If you use the manipulation referred to above, fear: making the sun run backwards would, indeed, make magic an undeniable subject of study. Or pulling a Gandalf (beginning of Fellowship) while talking to the departments. But there's the difficulty of interaction after you drive the fear in.

2) What about asking the muses for the places to look? Most of these gods or godlings would like more attention, no? So it's in their best interest to help you help them.

Re: Two things

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

Fuckits. That's the solution to a handful of my questions, too. Huh.

Re: Two things

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Most likely, yes.

Re: Two things

[wolven.livejournal.com]

2) Most want the attention For Themselves. Attention is a finite-at-present resource, and they know a free buffet when they see one. Need to restructure some infrastructure, first.