What am I doing?

[wolven7]

I am constantly evaluating you. Everything you do, everything you say. How you do and say it. Constantly recompiling and reconfiguring where you fit into my life, and where I fit into yours.

All the time.

Sometimes I do it, overtly. Sometimes I just set up situations and watch. Sometimes I throw myself into the fray, and act as a common focal point for rage and frustration, to see who builds what, where. Sometimes I throw parties, and invite you all.

Why would I do that? Why would I approach my life and relationships, this way? It seems so cold and utilitarian, teleological, even.

I'm not just concerned with ends. I'm not afraid to use "morally suspect" means. I know that right is different from good, and that, by truly considering the vast realm of Things I Want And Need, I will need to work with others to get them.

So why would i do this? Why would I tell you this?

Why do you do it?

Comments

If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[razelore.livejournal.com]

I do it because I'm still not totally over the 'one man show' aspect of my early thought patterns. You know, the basic idea that everyone else is not real, they're robots or actors or something similar, that I'm the only one that matters.

So, you're all either entertainment or tests, and since I'll never know if I passed, I might as well have a laugh, right?

Although lately, I've been worried that the opposite is true, that I'm the one that's not real, I'm the one faking my way through life hope the rest of you don't notice, that I don't get fired, that my wife doesn't leave me because I'm not real enough. In that case it's only a matter of time before I get caught, so again, why not?

My options are I'm the only person that matters and therefore I can do no wrong, or I'm the only one that doesn't matter and no one will notice my actions.

I suspect such thoughts are fueling my slow embrace of LeVey's religion...

Re: If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

And what happens if they're both true?

What is the You that questions the situation, then?

As long as you're You, in some major capacity, true to it, whatever you find It to be, then there's nothing to find as Not there.

Then again, no one can know, but you.

And no one can know but them.

So, perhaps we're all mutually hallucinating each other.

Re: If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[razelore.livejournal.com]

I like the idea that we're all one being looping through time, experiencing every life every person, dog, cat, fish, tree, etc. has to offer, truly getting the total majesty, horror, and humour of existence from every available angle.

But there's a good chance I'm in a coma and dreaming all this as well...

Re: If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Well, if infinity is infinity, and all that.

You seem to be doing pretty well, from here.

Re: If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[razelore.livejournal.com]

For the most part, yeah. Questions like that still worry me though. The closest I've come to articulating it is this: http://razelore.livejournal.com/74213.html but that's still not how I really feel.

Re: If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

The question, then, is if it is all you, what do you want done to yourself, right now and over-all.

Re: If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[razelore.livejournal.com]

All I want is a modicum of comfort and to be left alone. :)

Re: If you peel away the skin is there anybody there?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Then strive to provide the same to as many people as want it.

[nausved.livejournal.com]

I do it because evaluating situations/things/people/etc. kept my ancestors alive and breeding.

Evaluating something does not devalue it, however. The things I most love are the things I most study.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Indeed, indeed.

[lillornyn.livejournal.com]

I do it because I love you. That's why everyone does it, right?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

We'll see.

[cailement.livejournal.com]

I do it because Judgement is how I evaluate the universe. By making judgements, I can reevaluate how I view the universe or a particular situation or person. I find nothing wrong with this, so long as said judgements are never set in stone. So long as you can rejudge something/one as soon as you have new information, I really don:t see a problem with it and actually think of it as healthy. I think it:s just a polite lie when someone says they don:t judge anyone like that.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Suitable reason.

[necrophonic.livejournal.com]

The simplest answer, and I find most often the one that rings most true, is that it is not only my default, but everyone's default. To pull the strings from a safe distance. To protect ourselves by controlling the environment and people around us.

Why do I do it, or you do it? Ultimately different versions of this. But what are those things that make me enjoy it more than another person?

Perhaps how I grew up. Was I more alone than others, which makes me treat people as objects less than persons? Are people just objects, and the idea of personhood is the lie that others tell themselves?

Am I looking at things through a lense of reality while others see a myth? Do I then, realizing this, being to control them as actors in a play, for they already dance through a facade, so what does it hurt to give them music to dance to?

And just maybe it's resentment. For the joy they feel in their dream world of lies and self delusion, and it's simply an anger that the happiness they feel they slowly strip from me as they point and ridicule my truth while they lie and lie and lie to themselves.

Maybe it's just sadistic glee, like a child pulling wings from a fly, a guilty pleasure that, despite my moral objections, I can secretly indulge in the dark of the manipulations.

Because my contempt consumes me so that my lusts for humanity and community become simple lusts for destruction. But then, where would I be if they were to all dissappear? I suppose nowhere.

Maybe I just don't know how to relate to them any other way than to watch them play out my evil little scripts.

Or maybe I'm just a jerk. *grin*

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

Piaget's levels of development again... have you read that site yet?

I invited David to dine with Judson and Theresa on Monday. Theresa repeatedly pointed out how cute the waitress was, and David and I both agreed. As the dinner wrapped up, I started putting lines into David's head about how to pay attention, how to interpret, and so on (since he isn't very socially aware, and has said as much). "She said it wasn't very busy tonight; ask if it's picked up." "Ah, damn, you should have maintained eye contact - she looked away from you while talking, but that's because she was in the middle of something; she looked back afterwards." Und so weiter.
He did not, in fact, get her number, but if he paid attention he should have a few pointers for next time, whether it be with this one or the next. Now... my question is, why did I do this?

I don't see any direct benefit to him getting a girlfriend, or even a phone number, as opposed to me. He's one of a slew of people who are friendly towards me for reasons I don't know, and I don't feel incredibly 'nice towards him. Am I playing nice so I get the next one? Taking the pressure off myself? Genuinely more concerned about his love life than my own?

Yeah, I still don't know.