Altered States

[wolven7]

Ben Folds Five - [Brick]--- This is a bit of an experiement. I haven't done a late night/early morning stream of consciousness thing, in quite some time, and I've been up for what I'm going to call 21 hours, at this point. I have a fairly high level of caffeine in my system, no working toilet, and the determination and need to stay awake until the plumber shows up, first thing in the morning which, hopefully means 6.30 or 7 am. I don't care, as long as it's early. I want them here, I want it fixed, and then I want them gone. What I'm saying, here, is that I'm going to write, here, until I feel that i'm fucking finished. I'm going to go where my head takes me, and move from there, and I dont want any of your TL;DR shit.

Placebo - [Bulletproof Cupid]--- This is what it is. I've been thinking about a lot of things, lately, as you well know. I've been thinking about what it means to be a magician, to say that one practices magic, in this world. greygirlbeast calls Magick "The willful invocation of awe." moonandserpent sees magic as linguistic, psychological, and biologically Present way of attuning oneself to the world, to nature, and building oneself, as well as possible, within those things. (The Legendary Pink Dots - [The Island of Our Dreams]). There are other magicians, here, and I don't know exactly how to classify how they think of magic. How do you think of magic? Anyway, we can talk about that, later, but I want to point to those two, because one is rooted firmly in the efficacy of respect and mental orientation toward our environment, a recognition of that terrible complexity, that random chaos that orders itself, and allows part of itself to examine itself. The other approaches those components from the other direction, seeking to more readily and pragmatically apply the principles, taking that complexity and seeking to recognise that there are places where forces can be exerted to influence and change our perceptions and interpretations of them. Now, unless I've vastly mischaracterised these two positions-- and I'm really fucking sorry, if I have, but it's five in the fucking Morning, and I'm a bit... Wooo-- I want to say that I don't think they are at odds.

Electric Hellfire Club - [South of Heaven]--- Magic, for me, is the complexity of the universe, recognised, applied, dived into, absorbed, sucked into and expelled from oneself, in the effort to continue and expand the cycle of generative complexity that gave birth to itself. Every thing I do, every time I act, while taking as much of the complexity of the universe into account as I possibly can, I better suit and fit the universe. That is not to say that I'm going to do the "right" thing. That is not to say that anything will be right, because everything is right. But it is to say that there is an infinite complexity, or a set of complexity so large as to be so close to infinite as to not matter. If it is, in fact, bound, then we take that into which is bound into acount, and continue outward, yes?

The Smiths - [Shakespeare's Sister]--- But that's be discussed. Magic is the process of actively, responsibly, respectfully engaging this complexity, knowing that any and everything we do will have some effect, but that there is always the law of unintended consequences with which to contend. I cannot always know the end result of my efforts, and I, alone, can only change the universe, so much. My will is great, but I am only a single, embodied entity.

Gorillaz - [Man Research (Clapper)]--- I am, of course, everything, but fuck that. My sensorium is bound, expanded at points, but never flly encapsulating every angle of the infinite. I can't do it. Not and remain myself. Not yet. I have specific needs and wants and preferences that go into making me the person I am. For instance, I want my toilet fixed. I want a job. I want to have specific conversations with certain people. I want my old friends to miss me as much as I miss them. I want more people who understand my motivations, at least 80% of the time, rather than looking at me like I'm a fucking insane person. I prefer the colours black, silver, and red. I take integrity very seriously, whatever that means. I h ave desires that I don't always share, because no one asks the right way, or with the honest intent to know.

Guster - [Demons]--- These are parts of the things that make me (I can process caffeine like water and vitamin-enriched bread), and I like these things. To come to the place where that is only a small, vague part of what I am will be a large change. Obviously. This is why i have such an obsession with Mutual Arrogance, you understand? I Love myself, and it took me a long time to get to the place where I could say that, with certainty. That I could take even all the Bad Wolf/Great Destroyer parts of myself and say "I love that about me, even if it puts me at odds, even if it puts me outside of people, a lot of the time." Because they're me. I love destruction, deconstruction, construction, reconstruction, and neo-classicism/-romanticism. (Snake River Conspiracy - [Homicide]). Why? Because they explore shape and form, they explore building and making yourself what you are and want to be, they take outside forces and contexts and they take internal impetus and will and they meet, in the middle, and they say There You Are. And the more you recognise that, the bits and pieces, the better you are. And I want you to be as fully you as possible, because I think you have the ability to love all of those things about you, as well.

I want you to be an equal partner in this complete fucking thing that is the universe, because when I'm you, I want to be able to as easily recognise how fucking awesome I am, as I am Right Now. do you see the depths and convolutions of this arrogance and selfishness? I extend it all to you, because I make sure that it eventually comes back around to me. It's a sick scheme, all right, but by gods, I'll make sure it works.

Bigdumbface - [Space Adventure]--- So I want everyone to look up and say "Hey. I fucking rock." I want people to look at their flaws, their failings, down through the years, and figure out what they can learn from them, how they can grow, because of them, in spite of them, and I want people to aspire to continually aspire to be more completely Them. I want you to be You, and the best fucking You that you can possibly be. And ther may be some problems with being You, as fully as possible. You may alienate people, friends and family, and shit like that.

Nine Pound Hammer - [800 Miles]--- This is an important question, isn't it? How much is integrity worth? How selfish can you be, in being youself, ruthlessly, unapologetically, fully yourself? We want to think that there are lines that we would never cross, in regards to others. That there are things that we would never do to the people we love, and the people we love want to think that they are immune to the worse parts of our natures. (Save Ferris - [Everything I Want To Be]). We may all be very, very wrong. Think, right now, about someone you love, romantically, platonically, familial, whatever. Now think about something they think you would never do, to them, some emotional hurt, which they think you would never visit upon them. Now think about who and what you are, fully, in every part of yourself. Think about the things that Being You means, and what that will do to the people who hold a certain conception and perception of you, in their minds. In the words of Malcolm Reynolds, "You wanna meet the Real Me, now?"

Coil - [Circles Of Mania]--- I don't know the Real You. Not fully. I don't know who you are, under pressure, when your life is on the line. I don't know who you are, in your private quiet moments, when no one else is there, away from the computer, swirling in your head, licking the edges of your own fractal whorls, to see if it bleeds....

There's an old story which I've never been able to remember where I heard it, but it's an Inuit story, a parable about the dangers of what we think we want. I think it applies, here:

Mystic - [The Life]--- A hunter and her son are out in the tundra, seeking food and pelts for warmth. Upon killing a food animal-- a seal or a carribou; it doesn't matter-- the mother takes her knife and coats it in the animals blood, and she lets it sit. When it is full frozen, she again coats the knife's blade in the blood of the animal, and lets it sit. Again, it freezes and, again, she coats the blade. She does this seven times, and then walks a fair distance from the kill, over a rise and digs a small hole. (The Black Heart Procession - [A Light So Dim]). She sets the knife's hilt in the hole, and covers it with snow and ice, leaving the blood-coated blade sticking straight upward.

Returning to her son, he asks her, "Mother, what are you doing to your knife? Won't someone take it, left out there on the plain?" And the mother silences her son, and directs him to watch, and to wait.

Time passes and, eventually, a wolf comes across the plain, sniffing the air. Quickly, he finds the blade and begins licking off the many coatings of animal blood. The mother and son watch and the son is astonished when, shortly, the animal falls over, dying or dead. His mother rushes over to the animal, and finishes it, and brings it back to begin the task of dressing and skinning it. Her son asks what happened, and she explains:

"The wolf, so desirous of the blood on the blade, continues to lick, long after the prey's blood is gone, and the blade's edge exposed, not realising that it is his own blood he now tastes. Eventually he cuts himself so badly that he bleeds to death."

Restarting the shuffle on the full playlist.

Tori Amos - [Girl]--- I'm still really quite tired, and I still have an indeterminate amount of time, before the plumber shows up.

So very few people on facebook put the full extent of their "How I Know This Person" details, on their profiles. I can't decide if this is a good thing, or a terrible thing. Seriously. I love honesty. Transparency. When it's chosen. I don't want to put full details of someone else up, without their consent because maybe I did some things with that person that they don't want other people to know about, you know?

Autechre - [Autriche]--- It's all very complicated. That said (and maybe I'll regret saying this when I've slept, but I doubt it), if you're on the FaceBooks, and you want to give full details of how we know each other, sordid or no, you go ahead...

But I guess that's what the approval mechanism is for, on there, huh?

I'm also in a confessional kind of mood. I will not absolve you of your sins, however, so much as encourage you to do them, again, but this time put your Back into it.

This is somewhere in the area of six pages long. No I'm not going to LJ Cut. I have the distinct feeling that most of you are just going to skip past this, anyway, so whatever.

I'm going to go, now.

Comments

[anarchette.livejournal.com]

initially i did the "scan, zip, word, skip" read. then when i got to the bottom i felt guilty since you said everyone was going to skip it, which i didnt do. i "cliffnotes'd" it. howeverrrrr, im myself. im naturally and generally inoffensive. when my ass is on the line i dont use someone else as a human meat shield. i do my thing. yamsain? selfish? yeah. who isnt? to an extent. either way, its 10am, and i hope you're in bed, with a functioning toilet. ... its the only way to live these days. <3 plumbing that works. /end random rant which i made while still possibly drunk from the night before. hardeehar.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I'm not in bed, at all.

And that's precisely what I mean by integrity. Being yourself, taking responsibility for what that means, and accepting the consequences of that, without throwing someone Else under the bus Meant for You.

Of course, sometimes that IS who that person is: The asshole who does that. Hm... Points to ponder... :\

[freya-chris.livejournal.com]

I started out with the first three paragraphs then skipped to the bottom, where I saw your comment about "everyone would do that" so I decided to reread--except, being the dyslexic crazy person that I am, I read it from the bottom up. The context changed. I am in a position where I feel like I have no choice but to be me--but I feel guilty for that selfishness. I push people away--I don't want anyone at the hospital when I have my chemo, but then I feel so empty and lonely and long for someone to hold my hand, that it makes me push people away even further. When I come out of chemo, and get past the days of puking, and am operating in my "functional" world, I purposefully try to bring people close to me who I know can't reciprocate--then they justify my not wanting anyone around...and I feel righteous in my pushing everyone away. My shrink says I am angry, but anger is a feeling I only have ever acted upon when it was necessary for my very core survival. I have done things most would call insane, yet it was simply survival. I feel like the huntress in your story--yet most would be repulsed by that view of me, and say, "that is not her". They would be so wrong.

Thanks for opening this can of worms. It's noon, and I think I am done puking for the day, so I hope your toilet is functional and you are washed away into dreamworld.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

That's what I do. I open cans of worms, and fling them around the room, to see what sticks, where.

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

That's how you can tell it's done!

Wait... this isn't spaghetti... eww...

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Guess you went and ate worms :\

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

See, that doesn't work at all. I'd be hard pressed to say nobody likes me, everybody hates me. I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Good. Much better.

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

I have nowhere to go with that, really. It's more like "Too Long; Didn't Process"

I am, however, very strongly reminded of one of the concepts of enlightenment in that we recognize ourselves as roles rather than identities, and it is possible that I could be a mass-murdering bastard and still be fully enlightened if I am doing it for the sake of fulfilling my purpose.
Personally, I'm still having a difficulty figuring out my role. Maybe "firefighter" is (metaphorically) it, it does tend to run naturally. Difficult time reconciling the idea of full-time game design with pragmatism of... people don't need games, but we do sort of. Ah well, free will and all that.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

People need games and play. They need stimulation, expansion, creativity. And the below comic is full of win.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

If our selves are Roles then who plays the parts? Not asking as a negation, but merely a question.

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

The idea is that while we have our roles, we are not our roles.
Complete sidejump to how an attorney to whom I was talking last night was amused and insulted when she and her (also attorney) friends were dressed for casual Friday and a guy came up to them in a sharkskin suit, said, "Hi, I'm a lawyer", and handed her his card. Hmm...
And jumping back. We have an identity, but because it's entirely internal we can adjust and reinterpret it however we want.
The other option is to have an endless chain of meta-actors, but that ends up getting a little silly. Not unlike "farther up and farther in" from Chronicles of Narnia.
Insert quote about "We wear the mask the grins and lies" here.
Hi. I'm a mockingbird.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I think, today, I find that all too complicated.

I am me. I am the reflectively adapting sum total (always plus that reflection, and the interconnections therein) of every experience I've had, which is generated by the things I love, the things I want and need.

I believe that, if a major part of my interface were to be broken, I would still be Me, but perhaps a me with a different focus. A more selfish (or selfless) Me, perhaps.

From every second, I am me and made and created again. Destroyed by a realisation, put back together by the will of me. Continuous, endless, completely broken and unconnected.

I'm me, and you're you.

Koo-koo-ka-choo.

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

You are wolven. You have the roles of "student", "magician", "host", "lover", "writer", and whoknowswhatelse, at different times. And yes, these roles all inform one another and act as vectors pulling the sum in a particular direction not unlike the quantum possibilities picture we painted. But while some of those external roles are visible to some people, your final direction and energy is not quantifiable to anyone outside your experiences, and there isn't a name for that position other than wolven.

My reason for the distinction of having a role as opposed to being a role is the engagement one has in that role. While in acting it's encouraged to immerse yourself and let the character do the acting rather than you, (Team America: World Police flashback) it's problematic outside of that sphere if you just ride the role rather than actively observing and making decisions and being and re-creating the role. 'Just riding' is what gets us into getting horribly drunk and puking our brains out and/or sleeping with someone we don't really like or all the other terrible things we do because we think it's what we're supposed to do.
... then again, just like the aforementioned mass-murderer, maybe drunk-dialing someone is my destiny. But it's important that the actor accept that role, rather than just falling into it blindly.

Another sighting.

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

http://www.centerpointe.com/blog/2008/05/19/the-five-stages-of-enlightenment/

Re: Another sighting.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I'll read it, soon.

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

And in other news: http://catandgirl.com/view.php?loc=505

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Damn Right. I love existentialism.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

This needs to process more. This also wants me (though may not need me) to have figured out my 'job', what I Do (revelation? illumination?), and how I define all these things, something I think about often, but have never come to a concrete conclusion about, or enough of one to define where I am right now.

I don't think I've even thought of running from the Real You, so far. Wondering where or if I fit into this scheme of things, yes. But never so afraid or confused I couldn't deal.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

The comic, above, pretty much sums what I think on the jobs and the definitions. Make a decision for it, integrate it, live it, and use it as fully as possible.

And good. I'm glad to hear that,

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

Eh. That comic makes me angry. Existentialism makes me angry. It's a very 'meh. life.' view. I don't see how that's making a decision. I see that as tossing the decision behind oneself, wadded up, because it doesn't matter in the face of Everything. Which is crap.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I've never seen existentialism as a "meh" point of view. Existentialism, at base, says nothing has any Inherent Value, because there are no Absolutes. And so, whatever meaning you responsibly and reflectively Create for yourself is the best meaning you could ever have.

Don't let others create it For you, create it Yourself.

Allowing Everything to hold you back is precisely what existentialism is Against.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

Huh. You know, I'm an idiot. I've been mixing them up and combining it with Transcendentalism.

I guess Existentialism still doesn't sit well with me because I'm nowhere near as comfortable as you are with my own decisions and creations.