If yesterday's mood was shitty...

[wolven7]

Neuroticfish - They're Coming to Take Me Away..--- If i was in a shitty mood, yesterday, then today I'm in a very Strange mood. My reaction time is twitchy, keyed up, attentuated, distracted. I want to talk to new people about old things, to go to Waffle House or R. Thomas (though never again on a Saturday. You know that.) and sit, and talk and the memeories would come flooding back, ancient times and distant shores and memories of times lost or created, a shared headspace, a point of view similar to each other and a combination of symbol, myth, scope and meaning that we spni together in a synchronous moment of fire and lightning, and we remember.

Remember each other, perhaps, or simply ourselves, or, if we're really lucky, remember the times when we were each other. The swirling milieu mass of identity and separation-merger-recombination dance that makes you me and me her and us ourselves, together, again and again. (Michael Andrews - [Philosophy of Time Travel]). HAH! Yes. That's what i'm talking about! Taking it back to the good old days, the bad days, "the all-or-nothin' days." Days when every coincidence meant everything, and no space was left unturned or unconnected. Your name meant fire and blades, and ice to me, then, and it does now.

But I feel like I 've lost the ability to walk on the edges...

APE Hangers - [I Don't Want To Live Today]--- I need to wash my face and clean my mind, and go out tonight and do something with some of you, because I don't think I can do it, here. I think that here, when I talk like this, I make you uncomfortable. I think that, here, when I talk like this, with the fire in my heart, so many of you have no idea what to do with it, no idea how to handle it, hold it, have it within and without getting burned. When that's precisely what I want. I want you bright, burning, effulgent, glorious dark. I want the inner corners and recesses of you, the pockets of darkness that you can only whisper across phone lines at 3am, when you think we aren't talking to each other, or maybe you think we're talking to the whole of eachother, the open yawning space of the darkwetpusling that is Us, that takes it in, and screams for Kaouri, before we crush each other into our cells.

Yellow Machinegun - [No Way]--- I want to talk to you like three ayem all day. I want to tell the Dark and The light, in equal measure, and whenever it comes to mine. Mind. (Death In Vegas - [Twist And Crawl]). I want the insides of you, the grooves and whorls that spiral inward and infuse you wih the Eye of God. I want to run my tongue along your synapses and taste the electric sonic boom that is the crossing of thresholds the opening of doors the building of silver roads and pathways in your mind. And I want you to want that from me.

And there's the key, i think, because I want what I want, and you want what you want, and maybe the twain shall meet. But not necessarily. I'm unsure what you want. I'm unsure what my friendship, my readership, me viewership, my participation means to you, and I'm doing my very damnedest to be clear as to what yours means to me.

The back of my throat is burning, like i've been inhaling a low level of smoke, for the past few minutes, but I don't smell smoke. I don't really smell anything at all, except the heater, the dust. (Rasputina - [1816, The Year Without a Summer]). I'm lost of steam now.

We're here, aren't we? This is why... We're each of sitting here, offering fingers, palms, lines, nails and tendons. All of us waiting for the other to lend a hand.

I want to take yours, I really do, but truth to tell I've been kind of scared to. You know why? Because what I want you to want of me, to need of me, to be able to take from what I give of me is not necessarily what you will want need or be able to take. I might fail to meet your expectations. And then you might disappear. Mightn't you? Be honest. There's always a chance. All Ways, A Chance. Yes. Precisely. We take the risk, no matter what, don't we? We take the leap, the step, the course, and we may fail or fall or fly, or trip, stumble stutter-step into the future. But we try.

Rasputina - [The Pruning]--- So try. Tell your friends. Try.

Let's Start Some Shit.

Comments

I'm getting too old for this "shit".

[momentai.livejournal.com]

I wish I had seen this last night. Cannot be sure I would have taken you up on the offer, but thaving the option would have been nice. I can understand a lot of what you are getting at here and I think I have made it clear that I want some of the same things.

I would like to groove with you and all that you mention here, but I have never really felt as if you deem me worthy of it. Everytime I try to meet you I feel spurned. Whether it's b/c you are busy, disagreeing with me, disagreeing with me and not wanting to talk about why, ignoring me, or forgetting me, or any number of reasons, I feel as if I try to do what you only want people you like to do. People you have s/t deeper in common with than a fleeting intrest in science fiction.

You have no control over how i feel and I would never blame you for it, but it's there and I have yet to come up with a way to get rid off it, maipulate it, transmute it. There are only so many times a person like me, or any person most likely, can feel rejected or unnoticed and keep trying. That feeling combined with my usuual state of apathy are no match for any flickering ember of intrest I may or may not have in communcation. Despite my past, I have always wanted to communicate with persons, but it gets harder every year.

I was successful at what you are suggesting once, which is to stay I started the fire and we were doing a fair job of maintaining it, but people grwo, rebel, refuse, retailiate, retreat, and then thunderstorms swarm like ants on peanut butter. Syncrhonisity is a grand ideal, but I have missed that circuit. I have tried becming entune with others, but no. I am forever a new guy, an outsider, a 3rd wheel, an interloper even and I hate that and no matter how many times I make someone laugh or go to a party or lend a hand, I will nevr be able to reach the level of cammraderie that preestablished groups already have and I cannot get over that so I stop trying. I'm getting too old to keep trying. I no longer hve a platform from which to operate nor do I possess enough will. I want what I cannout build alone and what I have no way of procuring someone who would assist. With that in mind, I cannot keep caring to try. I am woorn out.

So,yes, you speak weirdly while walking swiftly, and it doesn't make me uncomfortable as much as it makes me homesick. Sometimes it is as if we should be together and should be doing terribly great things or greatly terrible things together, but then it also seems too strange to do that. Adversaries, rivals, opponenets, partners, peers. If only for the thrill of the game, but is that enough? Which is to say is it right? I don't know what you want and I do, but I want to find out more, but not in exchange, only in addtion to, concurrent with. When do we move on? Do we ever? Do we settle?

Just thoughts. Actions wanted. But.

Re: I'm getting too old for this "shit".

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I was actually thinking of you a few times, while writing this. A few people popped into my mind, a number of times, actually (about 180 to be approximate), but you commented first, and touched on the things I was thinking about you, when I wrote it. So there you go.

I don't know that we can say what we'll do all the time, what will always be the course of action we take, because that's not how shit works. We can make up in our minds to always approach the situation with openness, clarity, forethought, responsibility, and foolishness, in the Tarot sense, but we can't always know where that will lead us.

I think, sometimes, you have to not do anything, to take a break, for a while, to have the strength to keep on trying, at all. You know?

Re: I'm getting too old for this "shit".

[momentai.livejournal.com]

I know about the breaks, but it seems that whenever I return from them I am still left with conflict.

What I have decided to do is not neccesarily what I wanted b/c I am not sure if what I wanted would be helpful, but that what I decided is doable.

I was a "child" for tooo long and am still surrounded by "children" too much to just do things w.o them being helpful and proper. I don't want to be reactionanry. It is too dangerous and damaging even if it weren't.

Re: I'm getting too old for this "shit".

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I can understand that. A weird segue, but you could study Daoism, while you take a break. That's not to say that you should or would become a Daoist, any more than studying the writings of Bushido would make you a Samurai, but it might give a little perspective on the kind of Right Action/Inaction/Perfection and Economy of Motion balance you're seeming to have forced upon you.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

Days when every coincidence meant everything, and no space was left unturned or unconnected. Your name meant fire and blades, and ice to me, then, and it does now.

But I feel like I 've lost the ability to walk on the edges...

I'm scared. You're the one paring down what I want to say to something succinct, this time. I fee like we've all become lost in this thing. There's a reason we're here, yes, but there's a reason we remember some of the shit we do, that we weren't Just this place, 'normal' people, however you want to look at it.

We're going native. And I say fuck that shit.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I think there's something to be learned everywhere, as you said, but I don't think it's gone, forever... I don't think I could write this, or you could read and understand it, if it were.