Wanting Comfort.
Jul. 26th, 2002 04:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7 Who understands or cares? Cares? Got several. Understands... No... because i don't want advice from anyone who's not enough of a reflection of me as to be useful. I'm sorry. That was mean. Oh well.
My universe does not work like the universes of others. Perhaps this is because i want it to, or perhaps it is because the reflection and reflected are two different things. Perhaps, in the end, i am supposed to destroy it all, and therefore it all tries to destroy me first. Woohoo. An epiphany. "All revelations are personal. That's why all revelations are suspect." - Bast. MAybe i just hate this all so much that i want something truly new, or something that will last, or something old that i can hold, and love, or something, ANYTHING to re-assure me that this fucking loop won't continue on forever, and actually have the presence of mind to be DOING something about it, as they say it. CAuse if you can't say it, and mean it, then don't say it. The only way i can see of bringing true changes to the universe, is ending it. And i don't think i'm supposed to do that, yet... But hell, considering what some divinatory sources have told me, recently, i may well be. But i doubt it.
Something new, old, sane, crazy, stable, swirling, Whatever. Simply give me something... Cause i'm tired of trying to take it.
Yeah. i'm leaving this open for comments. I want to see exactly what kind of "Then stop trying and do it"-esque comments i get. Or will people finally be so disgusted with me as to leave, entirely. Which may be another thing i'm looking for, deep in the corners of my mind. The freedom to do what i want, without the ties and semi-emotional connections to worry about. Who knows. I'll probably "Feel Better" by tomorrow. But this will still be nagging at the back of my mind.
I was thinking about staying awake, all damn night, but i don't have anything i want to do (damn me for quitting smoking) that would help me stay awake that long.
i want something comforting. Guess i shouldn't have come to this place, Eh?
[Addendum, 4.16 am: "And his offended Self-ness screamed 'No NO! Stay! Love Us!!', and he merely hung his head in shame."]
My universe does not work like the universes of others. Perhaps this is because i want it to, or perhaps it is because the reflection and reflected are two different things. Perhaps, in the end, i am supposed to destroy it all, and therefore it all tries to destroy me first. Woohoo. An epiphany. "All revelations are personal. That's why all revelations are suspect." - Bast. MAybe i just hate this all so much that i want something truly new, or something that will last, or something old that i can hold, and love, or something, ANYTHING to re-assure me that this fucking loop won't continue on forever, and actually have the presence of mind to be DOING something about it, as they say it. CAuse if you can't say it, and mean it, then don't say it. The only way i can see of bringing true changes to the universe, is ending it. And i don't think i'm supposed to do that, yet... But hell, considering what some divinatory sources have told me, recently, i may well be. But i doubt it.
Something new, old, sane, crazy, stable, swirling, Whatever. Simply give me something... Cause i'm tired of trying to take it.
Yeah. i'm leaving this open for comments. I want to see exactly what kind of "Then stop trying and do it"-esque comments i get. Or will people finally be so disgusted with me as to leave, entirely. Which may be another thing i'm looking for, deep in the corners of my mind. The freedom to do what i want, without the ties and semi-emotional connections to worry about. Who knows. I'll probably "Feel Better" by tomorrow. But this will still be nagging at the back of my mind.
I was thinking about staying awake, all damn night, but i don't have anything i want to do (damn me for quitting smoking) that would help me stay awake that long.
i want something comforting. Guess i shouldn't have come to this place, Eh?
[Addendum, 4.16 am: "And his offended Self-ness screamed 'No NO! Stay! Love Us!!', and he merely hung his head in shame."]
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Another thing to try, on my endless yet hopelessly spread-out list...
Date: 2002-07-27 07:24 am (UTC)ASK for it.
Quit expecting your parents to give you scorpions when you ask for candy, and f@$king ASK.
And be very careful that you're doing the right verb.
It is not a demand, a search, a theft, or even a request. It's odd, that asking for it is not the same as requesting it, but that's how it goes. But just ask.
And maybe this is on my big list of "ways I can't help people because they don't have the same means as I," but I have to offer it. Because I have to believe it's possible for others to find the happiness I have, somehow. Which means ONE of the ways I get to that happiness has to be universal, HAS to work for everybody. Or at least Somebody.
Re: Another thing to try, on my endless yet hopelessly spread-out list...