I'm not there.

[wolven7]

Fiona Apple - [Sally's Song]--- This is not for me.

Who can guess why it exists?

I'm feeling... melancholy, almost, after reading something, after listening to a few things.

William Shatner [Common People (Pulp Cover)]--- This song does weird things to me that I don't know how to talk aboutwithout sounding... something. Pretentious, fake, tourista-ish. I've played both sides of the equation, in that I've nevere lived my life without the easy-at-hand access to that which can get me through, but the ability for me to accept that isn't easy at all. I can't say it's ingratitude, because I'm moer grateful for the help offered than I know how to express. But it embarasses me, it guilts me and gauls me, and I don't want to be that person who can be bailed out, at a moment's notice. I want to be self-sufficient, and I've striven for that. I don't want to be above anyone, at all.

Tom Waits - [Earth Died Screaming]--- I feel this way about most things. I want to connect with you, all of you, but there are times when i feel completely deficient in anything that would allow me to do that. I feel like I don't have the capacity to understand what matters to you. And, if we're being honest, I really don't think you have to capacity to connect with me. I talk about what matters to me, and i get blank stares. Except when I don't. So I know that's bullshit.

wacko1138 sends me science links he knows I'll enjoy. renatus draws connections. I don't think I even need to talk about the things that mech_angel contributes; they're too numerous, at any rate. mendori provides that special slant and twist that comes from having known someone 10 years or more. (Tom Waits - [Dirt in the Ground]). comorbid... Groupmind. I could list, forever, the things each of you mean to me. And maybe I will, if you ask. Or maybe you'll content yourself with knowing that I don't say shit I don't mean, so I mean it when I say you are all special, to me.

So what is this thing? What is this odious melancholy, this need to be different, special, apart, misunderstood to the point of cutting the striking figure, trenchcoated, smoking in the cold? What the fuck is up with this long-winded bullshit tone?

Fuck this: Ask me a question, if you so desire. Ask it about anything, any thing you want to know, and I swear that I'll answer it as truthfully as I'm able. (Tom Waits - [She's Such a Scream]). There is no reason for this apart-ness, and you know that as well as I know it.

I've gained, lost, found, and re-gained a great many people, in the course of my existence. You all know this, because you're all some of them. (Tom Waits - [All Stripped Down]). Everyone's lost someone. Physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever, we've lost someone that means or meant a great deal to us, and we said "Fuck them for leaving, the son of a bitch, bastard motherfucker, cunt bitch whore, god(s)damnit I miss them and why did they have to leave..." We're not special in that way. But each moment is unique and unable to be understood, fully, by anyone other than ourselves; this is what makes them ours.

Tom Waits - [Who Are You]--- So ask me something. Tell me something. Shout at me or to the heavens, I don't care, because I care. I'm here for you, as you need me, as much as I can. I hate you so much, sometimes, because you're so fucking close. Take that how you will, and do what you want.

I'm listening.

Comments

[sadistic-apollo.livejournal.com]

when are you going to stop masturbating and start fucking?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

When you stop being a voyeur and find your own hole.

[sadistic-apollo.livejournal.com]

what can i say, i like a guy with big horizions

[wolven.livejournal.com]

So, to quote "20X6," and the West Wing, "Be the Guy." It's better for you.

[sadistic-apollo.livejournal.com]

Ya lost me on that reference (I'm still catchin up on Battlestar Galactica)

seriously though! when are you going to have enough knowledge and perception and will to start rockin the world on it's axis? I mean it's just waiting for someone to give it a push.

if the idiot won't stop lookin at the finger, just take the finger out of the picture.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

You do that, and all they'll see is the frame. Or a chunk. And if they don't know what the Moon is, or a tree, or the lake, then how will they learn.

"It's the thing with branches."

"What are branches."

"They are the long, thick sticks, with leaves on them."

"What is length, thickness? Sticks? Leaves? On?"

And so on. An exercise in itself. Easier to place your hand on th tree the moon the lake, and show them that way.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

You know, it's hard for people to pull the kind of questions you want out of their asses when prodded like this. Better to sit them down, really.

There's something that appeals to you about being the outsider, still, even with all of your connecting, and until you suss that out completely, you'll return to that distance, and people will always seem far.

And 'Pol's right. We need to get a move on.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I don't want any specific kind of questions, just questions. Or statements. Or whatever.

And there is. Something mis-wired, or differently wired, possibly relating to the "Holding myself to a higher standard/If i can do it, anyone can" mentality i have about most things.

As are we all;

[(Anonymous)]

I'm right there with you. Wanting to connect, to maintain with everyone, embarassment when thanked, boggled looks when showing ideas to people, all of it. That's me, too.
And the cancer grows.
Just so you know, you might be apart, but you aren't apart in your separate-ness {intentionally different than separation}. There are other stereotypically secluded Wizards in other lonely towers on other windswept hills in the wastelands. And there are other Fools who see all and know everyone and are loved by the crowd, but are never going to be part of the court.

You do have the luck of knowing lots of Fools. We only stare blankly about a third of the time.

And you knew this would be about my partner... why is the steel heart so difficult for me to accept? Why am I having such a difficult time either/all: [accepting my destiny to walk alone] [waiting for the magic to work] [finding my partner]? I know on some level it's because I want to, but... grr... arrgh...

Re: As are we all;

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure why it anonymized me, but this was me.

Re: As are we all;

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I knew it was you, with the last few lines. All of it, really.

Re: As are we all;

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I know. That's the weird thing about the "Alone In the Crowd," you have to wonder how many of those people are alone, there, with you. And I know it's a lot; it simply gets hard, some days, to remember that they're there, understanding, and then having to ask "How does this not make us Together?"

It's a strage thing, recognition of difference and the way that even the same formulations will never be fully understood. But this is a good thing, because it's what makes [people themselves.

You don't want to accept it, but you don't know how to modify it, as yet. So it makes it even harder. You won't be Alone, but you won't be Together.

Even a perfectly fitted machine needs maintenance and preparation to allow it to properly function.