Daemotechnik....
Jun. 27th, 2002 02:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7There's been some more notation, and some observation. My dreams, last night, involved lots of people i haven't seen in a while: My old teacher Paul Evans, Jyn, some people i haven't seen since Grady... There was something about Paul wanting a drag off of my cigarette, in a cafeteria, after i found out that Jyn had a job working with Misty. I found this out, upstairs, in the dorms, which were also classrooms. There was something about me, talking to Phileo, and then trying to watch a Tool video on the computer, in the cafeteria. The Tool video wouldn't play. And there was something about the cops. Somewhat of a Noah's Ark vibe, somewhere in there.
Now, as for the things. There has been, by me, a bottling of emotions. The fact that i've been sexually..... i meant severely..... attracted to women who are unavailable to me hasn't not helped this, at all. I've been bottling things up, and not speaking, for fear-- actual Fear!-- of the consequences, involved. And i don't think Any of you know how fucking much this bothers me. I've been being dishonest with other people, and myself, and that's the thing that has been causing Schisms, and chips, and chinks in the armour. i've not been allowing shit out, So it's been pushing out, and breaking shite down, whenever it can, consciously and subconsciously. I'm around someone to whom i'm attracted, and i feel as if i can't tell them, and my choices are between that and drinking, and perhaps having myself speak it, anyway. With those in mind, I've generally chosen the drinking. But the thing of it is, i didn't used to let little obstacles get in my way, especially if i was trying to deal in truth and/or emotion. And, recently, truth has been more and more important to me, but i've been biting my tongue when it comes to certain things. So now i've decided that i'm going to stop that. Another observation has been made, about me, and i have to say that i agree with it: Bad things happen when i drink.
There was the things at Patrick's, the other day. Joey wanting to fight everyone, and me being ill, plus some other shite. Then there was a friend almost dying, two nights ago. Now, you know, and i know, that thinking that these things happened solely because of my drinking is, as i have said in the past, extremely narcissistic. But there aren't manythings that i can't blame, on myself. So, just in case, i'm not getting drunk, for a while. Social drinking only, and maybe a slight buzz. It's simply one of those Things.
And there's some other stuff. But i can't remember any of it, right now. i'm going to go, i think. Have good days, kids.
Day Dream
Now, as for the things. There has been, by me, a bottling of emotions. The fact that i've been sexually..... i meant severely..... attracted to women who are unavailable to me hasn't not helped this, at all. I've been bottling things up, and not speaking, for fear-- actual Fear!-- of the consequences, involved. And i don't think Any of you know how fucking much this bothers me. I've been being dishonest with other people, and myself, and that's the thing that has been causing Schisms, and chips, and chinks in the armour. i've not been allowing shit out, So it's been pushing out, and breaking shite down, whenever it can, consciously and subconsciously. I'm around someone to whom i'm attracted, and i feel as if i can't tell them, and my choices are between that and drinking, and perhaps having myself speak it, anyway. With those in mind, I've generally chosen the drinking. But the thing of it is, i didn't used to let little obstacles get in my way, especially if i was trying to deal in truth and/or emotion. And, recently, truth has been more and more important to me, but i've been biting my tongue when it comes to certain things. So now i've decided that i'm going to stop that. Another observation has been made, about me, and i have to say that i agree with it: Bad things happen when i drink.
There was the things at Patrick's, the other day. Joey wanting to fight everyone, and me being ill, plus some other shite. Then there was a friend almost dying, two nights ago. Now, you know, and i know, that thinking that these things happened solely because of my drinking is, as i have said in the past, extremely narcissistic. But there aren't manythings that i can't blame, on myself. So, just in case, i'm not getting drunk, for a while. Social drinking only, and maybe a slight buzz. It's simply one of those Things.
And there's some other stuff. But i can't remember any of it, right now. i'm going to go, i think. Have good days, kids.
Day Dream
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Date: 2002-06-27 07:22 pm (UTC)You have my number, and even have the testicular fortitude to make use of it.
As an impartial third party, if nothing else...(yes, i really can be, or a friend or mommy if it's what you need.)
You know i'm the hands-off type, but i do worry about you daily whether that pisses you off or not. I'd scream planes out of reality for you, dear lad.
All my Love, Here and Elsewhere,
kat
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