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wolven7Veruca Salt - [Celebrate You]--- There is nothing as disruptive to a sense of self-worth, if only for a little while, as learning that someone you admire, and respect thinks of you highly enough to call you a genius, to those who know you, when you're not around. Let's pick this apart, shall we, because i'm pretty sure this is a signifier of mass-neurosis, in the human animal, and i'd like to get to the root of it.
Some questions: Would you prefer to be complimented while you are around, when you are Not around, or not at all? Why?
If you prefer to be complimented, behind your back, would you want to be informed of said compliments? (LUXT - [Hunger]). Why or why not?
So far as my own mental states are concerned, there is a perverse aversion-attraction quality, to the nature of compliments, as is evident in past remarks, in this space. When i am informed of the compliments paid me, out of my presence, i feel odd, and I wonder why anyone would hold such an opinion of me, if not required to do so, by dint of the fact that i'm standing right there. I hold myself in both extremely high regard, when concerning what i'd like to hear, and extremely low regard in what i expect others to hear about me. I do not think that I'm worth much, unless i've displayed that I am. Strange, yes.
Danny Elfman - [Wheels In Motion]--- Now, the nature of this can actually be traced to the fact that, most times, I hold others in extremely high regard. If i know and like you, there is a reason, and that reason is usually quite large and persistent, in my mind, on the subject of you. If people ask me about you, they will find an honest answer, with special emphasis on my subjective reasons for enjoying your company. Now, as I hold you in such regard, part of me obviously says "I hope they hold me in similar regard, as they purport to enjoy my company, as I enjoy theirs;" however this is mitigated by the fact that the possibility of your not liking me, or of your having some distaste, for me, which you have not expressed to me, exists, always, in the back of my mind. (Warren Zevon - [Traveling in the Lightning]). This exists because i'm a realist, with pessimistic leanings, and the reality of the situation is that it is at least logically possible, that this is so. Probable? I hope not (this, by the way, is why I make such a large deal out of people being utterly honest with me, as I would hope to be, with them).
So, with this in mind, we doublethink our way toward the nature of the problem. I hold you in high regard. I fear (perhaps needlessly) that you do not do the same for me, OR in my holding you in such high regard, I cannot understand your reasoning for possibly holding me in Equal regard, as part of my mind is convinced that you are "better" than I. (Veruca Salt - [Spiderman '79]). Therefore, your high opinion of me causes a distinct, though brief, cognitive dissonance.
This, logically, is full of some (hopefully) quite obvious holes, and ill-defined premises. Are we agreed? Ok. With that said, it is, in an equally obvious manner, a valid argument, though not sound. We see my reasoning. Yes? Ok.
This is the nature of all insecurities. We are irrational, about them, but our arguments For them, hold internally consistent, if circular. (Static-X - [Dead World]). It is difficult for others to break us out of them, without first spiralling toward the edges or centre, ourselves, to try to better apprehend the situation.
Thank you, for helping me, with that. I appreciate it.
My father kept using the terms "from an uninformed perspective" or "from the view of someone who hasn't studied the material," in our conversation, last night. (Veruca Salt - [Wolf]). The implications run rampant.
I'm going to read some stuff.
Some questions: Would you prefer to be complimented while you are around, when you are Not around, or not at all? Why?
If you prefer to be complimented, behind your back, would you want to be informed of said compliments? (LUXT - [Hunger]). Why or why not?
So far as my own mental states are concerned, there is a perverse aversion-attraction quality, to the nature of compliments, as is evident in past remarks, in this space. When i am informed of the compliments paid me, out of my presence, i feel odd, and I wonder why anyone would hold such an opinion of me, if not required to do so, by dint of the fact that i'm standing right there. I hold myself in both extremely high regard, when concerning what i'd like to hear, and extremely low regard in what i expect others to hear about me. I do not think that I'm worth much, unless i've displayed that I am. Strange, yes.
Danny Elfman - [Wheels In Motion]--- Now, the nature of this can actually be traced to the fact that, most times, I hold others in extremely high regard. If i know and like you, there is a reason, and that reason is usually quite large and persistent, in my mind, on the subject of you. If people ask me about you, they will find an honest answer, with special emphasis on my subjective reasons for enjoying your company. Now, as I hold you in such regard, part of me obviously says "I hope they hold me in similar regard, as they purport to enjoy my company, as I enjoy theirs;" however this is mitigated by the fact that the possibility of your not liking me, or of your having some distaste, for me, which you have not expressed to me, exists, always, in the back of my mind. (Warren Zevon - [Traveling in the Lightning]). This exists because i'm a realist, with pessimistic leanings, and the reality of the situation is that it is at least logically possible, that this is so. Probable? I hope not (this, by the way, is why I make such a large deal out of people being utterly honest with me, as I would hope to be, with them).
So, with this in mind, we doublethink our way toward the nature of the problem. I hold you in high regard. I fear (perhaps needlessly) that you do not do the same for me, OR in my holding you in such high regard, I cannot understand your reasoning for possibly holding me in Equal regard, as part of my mind is convinced that you are "better" than I. (Veruca Salt - [Spiderman '79]). Therefore, your high opinion of me causes a distinct, though brief, cognitive dissonance.
This, logically, is full of some (hopefully) quite obvious holes, and ill-defined premises. Are we agreed? Ok. With that said, it is, in an equally obvious manner, a valid argument, though not sound. We see my reasoning. Yes? Ok.
This is the nature of all insecurities. We are irrational, about them, but our arguments For them, hold internally consistent, if circular. (Static-X - [Dead World]). It is difficult for others to break us out of them, without first spiralling toward the edges or centre, ourselves, to try to better apprehend the situation.
Thank you, for helping me, with that. I appreciate it.
My father kept using the terms "from an uninformed perspective" or "from the view of someone who hasn't studied the material," in our conversation, last night. (Veruca Salt - [Wolf]). The implications run rampant.
I'm going to read some stuff.
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You are a strange cookie.
Date: 2005-08-30 03:55 am (UTC)Even so, I would still like to be informed that said person has a positive opinion of me/my work, but by someone else. If this is someone I admire than it would serve to give me confidence about my work for them/in general. If it just a random person who is praising me, it would serve to make me feel better about the way I interact with people.
As to you, what if you have displayed a noteworthy talent? Maybe you did not intentionaly and conciosuly perform a task that garners praise, but maybe there is simply a quality about you that causes someone to take notice. And even if you feel this person is "better", I don't understand how that would preclude them from acknowledging your ability.
You can both be awesome and do so at the same time. Regardless of your opinion of yourself and another, that other can still have high regard for you. And they can feel this regard, regardless of how lowly or highly they feel about themselves.
We are far more accurate when grading another persons contributions and not our own.
First thought, on reading this:
Date: 2005-08-30 04:22 am (UTC)Re: You are a strange cookie.
You are correct, of course, in your supposition that my estimation of "Better" does not preclude them from holding me in high regard, themselves. But the insecure portions do not take that into account.
Yeah, we see better, oftentimes, from the outside, looking in.
Re: First thought, on reading this:
Re: First thought, on reading this:
Date: 2005-08-30 04:51 am (UTC)Re: First thought, on reading this: