"Ah, mercury; sweetest of the transition metals..."

[wolven7]

And this, children, is why my hindbrain is my enemy, in all matters, not Concerning instinctual danger.

My mind reels from thought to thought, and i want to do things that i Do NOT actually want to do, and i want to slit my throat from ear to ear, and give myself another smile, and not because i'd die, no, that's not the point her, oh no. The point, here, yousee, is the loss. The feeling of it going out and away, and down, and clean and free, and sliding down my body in this expulsion of warmth, and there, in that moment, there is freedom.

i don't want to die. Not yet. And i don't want to kill myself, because i hate suicide. Whati want is to lose this horrid Feeling, and this Wanting, if only for a day. Have A DAY Where i want nothing. No desires, no drives, Simply the ability to act, and do, and not have to feel, and be affected by the Sounds the girl on the couch is making, as i type this, or the screaming of my hindbrain, telling me to WantWantWantWantWant, NeedNeedNeedNeedNeed, Consume, Take that which is around you, and pull it into you and devour it, and make it part of you and isn't that connection a beautiful thing? Doesn't it make you happy Wolven? Do you feel that? That wanting longing lusting needing Lonely EMPTINESS?

Is that not sweet?
That incomplete
Terrible longing and Lust?
Do you want More?
You slave, you whore,
You're only recieving what's Just.
You take that pain
Of loss and gain
That withering heartache and Rust
But always know,
That wherever you go,
You will only do what know that you must.
©2002 Damien Williams

And i'm lonely, and tired, and incomplete, and there's this hole... And i think Aerosmith said it best, for anyone who's been there, and is here, and has ever tasted this bitterness:

"There's a Hole In My Soul
That's been killing me forever
It's a place where a garden never grows
There's a Hole In My Soul
Yeah, I should have known better
'Cause . . . love's like a thorn without a rose..."
©1997 Stephen Tyler

Anyway. Enough of this Depression. i'm going to go watch "Ghost Dog", now.

Hindbrain? You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Daydream Well

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

You are trouble as of late wolven. It occurs to me that your recent rlease has cause a strrig of something inside of you. You would do well to sit it down an talk to it. Bd he serpent so to speak. For if you do not do someting. the voice will dominate your thoughts and every idle momnt you'll be fighting yoursel. But.... It's not like you'l take this advice and say thaqnks. I can see the thoughts now. "Of coruse i have to fix this but there's no way i'm going to let myself destroy myself. I wouldn;'t let that happen." SO here's where I stop. I've said what I said and i'll write more when My jurnal comes back up. But go meditate wolven. do yourself a favor. Get selfish.

Kyreshac
Co-op Grower of Hell.

[dragonwitch.livejournal.com]

You are loved.

Thanks

[wolven.livejournal.com]

ANd i think that says it all.

A few things

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Firstly: i'm not going to take part of your advice, because part of your advice was to be selfish, and you obviously don't know what that entails. You remember that "Consume" feeling i was dealing with? That's me selfish, only i listen to it, and it's more of a "You belong to Me Now." And they do... It may look warm and dark, and a nice place to hide, but it is Not warm. It's not cold, but it is most certainly not warm. Wolven as a selfish creature is a Black Hole with a Will and a Drive.

Secondly: i want to apologise to my hindbrain. i've been unjustly blaming it for many of my troubles. My hindbrain has not been the thing that wants me to Be with someone, now that i'm not. My Hindbrain has been saying to me "Mmm that looks tasty. Kill it and eat it." My Libido, on the other hand, Has been in full rebound mode and adding in, "Yeah but before you do that, perhaps you should . . ." So i'm sorry, Hindbrain. i Still am not going to listen to you on anything other than instinctual danger, but i did not mean to persecute you, unjustly.

Libdo? You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.

Thirst

[(Anonymous)]

Morphia is but one
Spark of her secular fire;
She is the single sun-
-Type of all desire!
All that you would, you are
-and that is the crown of a craving-
You are slaves of the wormwood star.
Analyzed, Reason is Raving.
Feeling, Examined, is Pain
What heaven were to hope for a doubt of it--
Life is anguish, insane--
and death is, Not a way out of it!

-King Lamus

(khaoticbliss)

Re: Thirst

[(Anonymous)]

p.s. -

Are you blind yet?

Re: Thirst

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Blind. Not yet. Dead, perhaps, but not blind. Focus.