Bitching and Moaning, ahead. Caveat.
Oct. 11th, 2003 08:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Carmina Burana - [Fortune Plango Vulnera]--- Fitting, considering. I always, always feel bad when i talk about things like this, because i feel like i'm whining about being given a million dollars, but you know what? If it hurts, it hurts, and the emotions are mine. If you don't want to read, stop now.
The assumptions and expectations, placed on me, by my friends and neighbours. They aren't [always] consciously placed. They aren't intentional. But they are there, and they hurt. (MC Chris - [Robotussin]). When something goes wrong, and i am involved, in any way, eyes turn to Me, to fix it. I do my best, and i try to get things settled. But if i get upset? If i get flustered, at all? Very often i'm looked at, harshly, because of it. They were not my plans, not my ideas, not my parties. I allow myself to take responsibility, for things and people, because i see and feel, when they happen, that, if i don't, then no one Will. That, in turn, will Screw people, and i'd prefer that not to happen. So, yes, it is My fault that i get into those positions. That's not the Problem.
The problem, as i Said, comes when this mode becomes expected. When i become Clan Fixer. "Got a Problem? See Wolven. He'll fix it up something proper." Pretty soon i'm going to start fixing things with Knifings. (MC Chris - [Cookie Breath]). I know that I know everyone, in all of the various sections of the groups, and i know that that makes it easy to look at me, when things need to happen, and phone calls need to be made, but you know what? On many levels, i'm tired of the expectation, and the pressure, and the thanklessness of the whole thing.
Sneaker Pimps& Portishead - [Water]--- My venting is almost done, don't worry. I'll stop spitting venom at you, soon.
You see, there are a very few times, when i do this kind of thing, when i arrange it all, and make it run as smooth as i possibly can, that people acknowledge it. In fact, most times, duing the entire process, i feel apologetic, like i've done something Wrong, and i'm trying to make it Right, again. Where's the sense in that? Not Mine, to Begin With, why do i have to Fix It? And no, recently, i'm not offering. But i Am accepting, when people ask. Again, it feels wrong to deny. Like i'm letting someone down. (Pain - [Thimbledrome]). But, no. This has to stop, because i'm Not the Lord High Fixer of Things. I don't get enough respect, for that, and i certainly don't get paid enough.
I will continue to do things, of my own volition, if i see something that i can help to make better. I will do that, because it's in my nature to do that. But i'm not going to let people make me into their shunted saviour, anymore. In other words, don't expect that, because something has gone horribly awry, and i'm informing you of, that i'm going to Fix it. (Brazil - [Main Theme]). I'm not in the mood, this month, and i've got a LOT of shit to take care of, and work out, for myself.
Now, if you want to Fucking Ask Me to do something, that's another matter. But saying, "Hey, we've got Issue X, and I can't do/need/Exploded-with-Gamma-Irradiated-Puppies Factor A, you can do that, right, ok bye," simply isn't going to work.
I apologise for the Anger, in this post, and it's not directed at anyone, in particular, but many situations, in general, of recent.
Good bye, for now..
The assumptions and expectations, placed on me, by my friends and neighbours. They aren't [always] consciously placed. They aren't intentional. But they are there, and they hurt. (MC Chris - [Robotussin]). When something goes wrong, and i am involved, in any way, eyes turn to Me, to fix it. I do my best, and i try to get things settled. But if i get upset? If i get flustered, at all? Very often i'm looked at, harshly, because of it. They were not my plans, not my ideas, not my parties. I allow myself to take responsibility, for things and people, because i see and feel, when they happen, that, if i don't, then no one Will. That, in turn, will Screw people, and i'd prefer that not to happen. So, yes, it is My fault that i get into those positions. That's not the Problem.
The problem, as i Said, comes when this mode becomes expected. When i become Clan Fixer. "Got a Problem? See Wolven. He'll fix it up something proper." Pretty soon i'm going to start fixing things with Knifings. (MC Chris - [Cookie Breath]). I know that I know everyone, in all of the various sections of the groups, and i know that that makes it easy to look at me, when things need to happen, and phone calls need to be made, but you know what? On many levels, i'm tired of the expectation, and the pressure, and the thanklessness of the whole thing.
Sneaker Pimps& Portishead - [Water]--- My venting is almost done, don't worry. I'll stop spitting venom at you, soon.
You see, there are a very few times, when i do this kind of thing, when i arrange it all, and make it run as smooth as i possibly can, that people acknowledge it. In fact, most times, duing the entire process, i feel apologetic, like i've done something Wrong, and i'm trying to make it Right, again. Where's the sense in that? Not Mine, to Begin With, why do i have to Fix It? And no, recently, i'm not offering. But i Am accepting, when people ask. Again, it feels wrong to deny. Like i'm letting someone down. (Pain - [Thimbledrome]). But, no. This has to stop, because i'm Not the Lord High Fixer of Things. I don't get enough respect, for that, and i certainly don't get paid enough.
I will continue to do things, of my own volition, if i see something that i can help to make better. I will do that, because it's in my nature to do that. But i'm not going to let people make me into their shunted saviour, anymore. In other words, don't expect that, because something has gone horribly awry, and i'm informing you of, that i'm going to Fix it. (Brazil - [Main Theme]). I'm not in the mood, this month, and i've got a LOT of shit to take care of, and work out, for myself.
Now, if you want to Fucking Ask Me to do something, that's another matter. But saying, "Hey, we've got Issue X, and I can't do/need/Exploded-with-Gamma-Irradiated-Puppies Factor A, you can do that, right, ok bye," simply isn't going to work.
I apologise for the Anger, in this post, and it's not directed at anyone, in particular, but many situations, in general, of recent.
Good bye, for now..
