So.... School was,... Yesterday, now...

[wolven7]

Collective Soul - [The World I Know]--- I guess this song is appropriate. Classes were an excercise in Lateness, and Film History looks fun, i guess. Saw more people than i thought i would... (Echo And The Bunnymen - [The Killing Moon]). Many many people asking about me, wondering about me, happy to see me, couldn't live their lives properly if i wasn't there, oh good there i am, time for them to go. Like i said: people who know me, know me; people who were acquainted with me, continue to be so. Until they choose to be otherwise. *shrug*

I'm a bit... still off, you know? Can't be in any kind of "routine," yet, with th e getting used to the classes.. such the Odd schedule, as well... DragonCon shite, soon. Shit i need to DO. TAngled threads, and things... WAs pretty sure i'd escaped being that guy that everybody knows. I like knowing everyone... but not in the sense that i'm some kind of It's A Small World lynch pin. A binding thread. Simply makes me uncomfortable, i guess... (KMFDM - [Lust]). Something i can equate, too well, with being and icon, after a fashion. *vomits*

I need to start writing, again... i haven't written a story, since i finished "Corners Without Light," and the poems i've written have all had Problems, of their sort. Wonderful subject matter, but something in my descriptions and manipulations, thereof, that make them... difficult... Need to Art, a bit. I haven't worked onthat Picture, in a while, and i need to. I need to focus on my personal spirituality through creativity. There was so much that was, in my mind, unconsciously linked to smoking, that i'm having trouble accessing it, without it. It's really kind of upsetting me... fiercely.

KMFDM - [Blood (Evil-Mix)]--- Which is the other option. Sociopath it, and burnit all away, then build new, again. Make it ashes and nothing, and rise out of it, somehow... But that burning's not a clean one... That's dirty and messy, and it's an excercise in hurting people... It's hard to rise from that burning. The Phoenix can burn itself to ashes and cinders, and rise again, because people know it as as Distant as it is. It hurts and leaves and mars no one but itself. It is, contained, its own creation and destruction. It doesn't have to explain it's motives, and Why it needed to destroy and burn and re-create itself, To Itself. It already knows. And people already know that that is its nature. People don't get/won't accept/don't/won't believe that that can be necessary for me. That i may need to be a bastard, or alone, or Hate them, or whatever, for a time, and that it's not an always thing. It's something to rend the tatters of a dying whatever the fuck... (God Lives Underwater - [Vapors]). And so many people (again with this edge) say that they'll be ok with it, that they'll understand... They Mean to say that they'll try to understand. That they'll give it an effort, not to be hurt. To get that i need them to Fuck Off. That i need to be a bit of a Sociopath, for a bit, maybe, until i get shit straight, again. Kill the Emotion away, to resurrect the Thought, and then balance the Two, again. 0/1. Always about the Slash.

And i need to know, again, what my Purpose is, because i'm having... nothing, really... I don't deliver the messages, these days... Other people do. Maybe that's something i should try to figure out... (Covenant - [Like Tears In Rain]). Something i should See to. Why they're going through a different source. I feel like i've been Distracted. Like the universe is like... "Oh Shit! A Bear!" And we're in a supermarket, in a city with no zoo or circus. Then it Runs. And i'm leaft to deal with all the hysterical people, screaming over an imaginary bear. Does that get through to anyone? Other, real problems, been distracted with stuff that doesn't really matter, keeping me from the useful things i Could be doing, and Crazyness. (Fleming & John - [Carol of the Bells]). I'm dealing with things like... Not Having an important part in the Proceedings, for whatever reason. That's what it comes down to. And i don't know why... What the Fuck, you know... What else am i supposed to do? No one ASks me to deliver messages, anymore. It's like they forgot that i do that. *Bitchbitchbitch Moanmoanmoan Whinewhinewhine.* Bah. Fuck This Shit.

VNV Nation - [Epicentre]--- Universe: If you do want me to do other things, make them Clear, make them real. Not this Bullshit, of sidelines and Benched and No Real Purpose. People... People. Sigh. What do i even Show. Where do i turn to portray understanding, anymore? It's Fucked up. It's like.. i'm a professor, with no class and no syllabus. I'm simply kind of There. No cirriculum. Nothing. Kind of hurtful. Changes happening... Truths... Fluctuations, and pulsations... things have gotten Off. Can't really Stop. Need to find that whole Control Thing, i once had... Cause that was good... Purpose and sense of PLace...

Something...

Any suggestions? Seriously? This is one of the few times you'll ever see a "Help" sign, in public forum. Maybe ever... So whatever.

I'm going to go to bed. Maybe shit will look better, tomorrow. I'll work on Art, and i'll actually start Detailing the things i need to get done.

Really need to go to bed, now.

Dream Well

{Addendum: One Minute Later: This is a good day to come up with practical strategies to help your business, WOLVEN. You could be thinking about preparing for long-term success. If you are forming a corporation, you could be putting together a group of board members who will best serve the company's interests. Or if you are trying to market your services, you might be thinking about where you would like to be in five years.

Hah.}

Comments

heh

[teididh.livejournal.com]

The last time i asked you to deliver a message, it was apparently a big mistake. I thought i was obeying the wishes of the receiving party as had been stated to me, and being as respectful as humanly ( or otherwise) possible in the process, perhaps even more so by sending you instead of just some toady...but -apparently- it was a horrendous misstep that did severe emotional damage. Go fig, huh? Your guess is probably better than mine.

Do you ever make moves to know other people, besides those that you stagger into on campus? Perhaps you need to actively and voluntarily expand your horizons. He Who Everybody Knows tends to be a very passive title. As far as creativity, it's an awesome idea, but i cannot advise. I have umpteen zillion projects i need to be working on, some obviously "spiritually expanding" (the dreamcatchers i need to be working on for Autumnfest) and some more pedantic but no less satisfying mentally (the Gaelic book that even now sits on my desk staring accusingly at me) and some inbetween (the storyboard, my music)...i can't keep up with my own creative outlets.

You know what has helped me sometimes is making a connection. Get in touch with someone outside your web, one of those outlying island people, that you have really been meaning to talk to (for me usually Jenna)...then somehow other people start calling you that you haven't talked to in forever but really love, then you find yourself invited to these bizarre parties or foreign places, then before you know it you're riding on top of the universe again surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, fascinating people who want you, a drink in one hand and someone drooling on/tonguing/reading tha palm of/tattooing the other, and you wonder how you were ever feeling adrift in the first place. Or at least that seems to be how it works for me. Seriously, though, new or revived connections between people (as that seems a good energy medium for you) can be a good way to kick start new paths and flush out any drifting/stagnation/out-of-placeness. Be wary, though, it can quite stir things up in the process.

saigh

[raoin.livejournal.com]

vaguely, on an annoyed "i cant believe you are upset about this" level
i say: i never know what my real purpose is, why dont you sit back and enjoy some free time until it strikes you again what you ought to be doing?

the rest of me, on the "i will always fucking give a shit" level says:
quoting a book i love, "if there is a hole in the sky, covering it with a strawberry" or "if the sun burns out, wear light bulbs around your necks and go dancing." &ct.

ie. i cant help you find purpose. however, that doesnt mean you should mope around waiting for the universe to come find you again. or wait for someone to look at you cross-eyed and suddenly you have an epiphany and know the answer. perhaps, you should be making a purpose? or perhaps you are only kidding yourself and your purpose is still the same, still there, still as it was/is/will be. just that you have these new perspectives and have forgotten or have not yet learned how to see such things from the new perspectives.

*shrug* i dont know you very well damien. i dont know anyone very well. but i try because otherwise i would be, not unfaithful to you or them, but unfaithful to me. so when you tell me to fuck off so you can get your shite together, i tell you i will try to understand. because that is exactly what i am going to try to do. and i will wait around on you to do exactly as you said you would. because i am trying to underdstand and that entails waiting on people every now and again. if you cant fucking deal with that brand of loyalty then you need to tell me. because, even in that same vein, if you say you want me to stop, i will stop. i can wander away, or walk away, or metaphysically slug you for taking this forgranted and then stride away pissed off, but i wont unless you ask me to. because in order to be true to myself, i will continue to try and understand you/help you/know you.

Re: heh

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Well... The best response i can think of, to all of this, is.. It's Entirely Possibly That That Is The Case. Thank you.

As my father says to me, about my family's peculiar relationship with other human beings: "Hate People, Love Crowds... And sometimes Vice Versa. And Sometimes Both, and at the same time."

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Like i said, most. When i say "Most" i can think of all the people i know who know what they're saying, and mean it, and to what level i'vce seen th em capable of it... I don't know the Full extent to which they're capable of it, obviously. I'm not them. If i need people to actually fuck off, meaning, if i can't do anything else to stem this, use this, mutate this, whatever, and i have to Give In to that side of me, then i'll let people know. I have, in the past.

My purpose is Always there, it's always a matter of re-finding how i can best show it. Thank you for remindng me of that. It always tickles at the back of the mind, until noticed... And, right now, none of the ways i know of Showing it, have been working.. So i get to think of new ways. Some what the problem.

"All is well, and all is well, and all will be well."

Re: heh

[teididh.livejournal.com]

stuffy wee mealy-mouthed git.

*bites thumb at you*

Re: heh

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Only sometimes. Like anyone else. Heh.

Re: heh

[teididh.livejournal.com]

no, WAY better than "anyone" else. Sometimes you redefine the genre.

Re: heh

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Because there's a "better," in there... I'm going to take it as a compliment. Thank you.

[kmn-rdr-caoimhe.livejournal.com]

I have a weird hunch you might be feeling like certain variables that may have been added to or taken away from your environment are fucking your shit up, so I'll say this. Unfortunately, you might just have to let said variables pass through - solve for themselves, if you will. Answers will come - whether you like them or not, and not all at once - but they'll come eventually. You might have to call them up and bitch them out for not being there sooner, though - y'know...restore some order. Just to be safe, though, store some energy.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Yeah.... Yeah... Thanks, man. And, as for storing up, i Will, no worries, about that... Thanks again. Talk to you soon.