Shattered looking glass.
Jun. 14th, 2003 10:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Rasputina - [Thimble Island]--- So.. There's a feeling on irritability, here, with these past few days. Royally Fucked. I think that i mis-shot my destination by 112 miles.
Rasputina - [State Fair]--- Car. Money. A little time to fucking relax? No. Never that. People think that, because i don't Appear to be doing anything, i'm not. That i've got no worries, and that i'm not trying to figure things out. When your mode of transportation is Feet, going out and Doing things is rather dificult. I've exhausted my GODT radius, for here. Any way. I got my wish. Hermitage. But incomplete. Family. Everywhere. And Always, always, ALWAYS with the questions about my weight and my hair, and all of this superficial Garbage about which i could give negative two shits Less. I. Don't. Care. (Rasputina - [SweetWater Kill (The Ocean Song)]). My Clothing style. Feh. Fuck it. This is why i don't come home. This is why i'm here, three times a year, for short periods. We don't relate, and we never have. Not when i lived here, not when i saw them every damn day. People cared abotu things, for me, that meant nothing TO me. And here i am.
Jiggety jig.
So here i am. Afraid to call the people i used to know, feelings as if i can't relate to my relations. (Rasputina - [Remnants of Percy Bass]). Having to Share. Wanting to sit them all, you all, down and tell you what i think, feel, believe, how i look at the world through my eyes that, half the time, can't even see myself. Eyes like a damn telescope. But what do i think, then? I think that you wouldn't listen. That you wouldn't care. That you don't care. That you want to keep this distance. And you know what? So do I. It's not about distance, or closeness, anymore. It's about me Showing you something, and you showing me something, and taking those things for exactly what they are, no more no less.
I realised, today, that no symbol system will ever escape the pitfalls of paradox. (Rasputina - [Rats]). Within it's own context, sure everything's gravy, but if we are to utterly prove the usefulness of something, then we have to be able to view it from outside As Well As inside of itself. All angles. "But each fragment reveals the rose from a different angle, he remembered, but delta swept over him before he could ask himself what that might mean." Gibson. Anyway, all symbols are, and forever will be, subjective, outside of themselves. There is no universal code. For the universe, itself, is simply another set. The Set of all Sets is still, merely, a set. Our symbols will always be differently [mis]understood, when taken to different contexts, and will always have different meanings, for those trying to use them to piece a language together. (Rasputina - [Clipped]). We are, in this way, forever screwed. We must learn to accept this, and simply try to understand that contexts and symbol meanings will change, they will shift. We can only hold on to ours, and try to view those of others as they view them. We will not fully succeed, and keep any reasonable level of individuality... (Rasputina - [My Orphanage]). But we can certainly try for a nice balance.
". . . but delta swept over him before he could ask himself what that might mean."
I wanted, this afternoon, evening, whatever, someone, desperately, to talk to about these things, and politics. But i couldn't bring myself to dial the phone. (Rasputina - [Crosswalk]). And those i prayed (childhopedknew) would call me... Don't.
I'm off. Other family members, apparently, need the internet.
Back later.
Rasputina - [State Fair]--- Car. Money. A little time to fucking relax? No. Never that. People think that, because i don't Appear to be doing anything, i'm not. That i've got no worries, and that i'm not trying to figure things out. When your mode of transportation is Feet, going out and Doing things is rather dificult. I've exhausted my GODT radius, for here. Any way. I got my wish. Hermitage. But incomplete. Family. Everywhere. And Always, always, ALWAYS with the questions about my weight and my hair, and all of this superficial Garbage about which i could give negative two shits Less. I. Don't. Care. (Rasputina - [SweetWater Kill (The Ocean Song)]). My Clothing style. Feh. Fuck it. This is why i don't come home. This is why i'm here, three times a year, for short periods. We don't relate, and we never have. Not when i lived here, not when i saw them every damn day. People cared abotu things, for me, that meant nothing TO me. And here i am.
Jiggety jig.
So here i am. Afraid to call the people i used to know, feelings as if i can't relate to my relations. (Rasputina - [Remnants of Percy Bass]). Having to Share. Wanting to sit them all, you all, down and tell you what i think, feel, believe, how i look at the world through my eyes that, half the time, can't even see myself. Eyes like a damn telescope. But what do i think, then? I think that you wouldn't listen. That you wouldn't care. That you don't care. That you want to keep this distance. And you know what? So do I. It's not about distance, or closeness, anymore. It's about me Showing you something, and you showing me something, and taking those things for exactly what they are, no more no less.
I realised, today, that no symbol system will ever escape the pitfalls of paradox. (Rasputina - [Rats]). Within it's own context, sure everything's gravy, but if we are to utterly prove the usefulness of something, then we have to be able to view it from outside As Well As inside of itself. All angles. "But each fragment reveals the rose from a different angle, he remembered, but delta swept over him before he could ask himself what that might mean." Gibson. Anyway, all symbols are, and forever will be, subjective, outside of themselves. There is no universal code. For the universe, itself, is simply another set. The Set of all Sets is still, merely, a set. Our symbols will always be differently [mis]understood, when taken to different contexts, and will always have different meanings, for those trying to use them to piece a language together. (Rasputina - [Clipped]). We are, in this way, forever screwed. We must learn to accept this, and simply try to understand that contexts and symbol meanings will change, they will shift. We can only hold on to ours, and try to view those of others as they view them. We will not fully succeed, and keep any reasonable level of individuality... (Rasputina - [My Orphanage]). But we can certainly try for a nice balance.
". . . but delta swept over him before he could ask himself what that might mean."
I wanted, this afternoon, evening, whatever, someone, desperately, to talk to about these things, and politics. But i couldn't bring myself to dial the phone. (Rasputina - [Crosswalk]). And those i prayed (childhopedknew) would call me... Don't.
I'm off. Other family members, apparently, need the internet.
Back later.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-15 11:57 pm (UTC)Anyway I will talk to you later.
Oh and the trivial family shit thats the same with everyone. Thats what families do. And the less you see them the less they understand you. It seems to go like that a lot. Anyway I am off.
Talk to you soon
Rosie