Unheimlich, something in me rebels...
May. 28th, 2003 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wolven7Moxy Fruvous - [Laika]--- I feel very at home, and very not, all at once. Like i belong exactly Here, and exactly Not here, at the same time. I travel around this, what was once my city, and i feel like i'm a stranger. It's not mine, anymore... I passed by the house of an old friend, and i felt the dire need to call him, and let him knbow that i'm here... and the absolute certainty that he would give Less of a fuck... perhaps through some determined Effort... than if i had never called him... (Empire Records - [Ready, Steady, Go]). Something in me rebels at the idea of trying to rekindle any old contacts, ever. Trying to start flames from ashes... But something in me, also, wants to keep all of the things that have gone before. Every piece of shelter...
I can't have the things that have deliberately lost me, and that makes me sad, in a way i don't want to describe. but it makese me feel like i've deliberately lost somethings, and how must that make them feel? Discarded, by the way-side, left to wonder, left to try to get on with their lives... And maybe i'm self-centred to think that there would be that constant naggin worry, there, in the back of their minds... Like there's that worry, in mine... (Fiona Apple - [Sleep to Dream]). But, agian, something in the core of me rebels at the thought of trying to start it, again... I left them, for a reason. They left me, for a reason. Promises, made, broken, forgotten... dusted upon the wind, like Zyklon-B... deadly in their implications... I never meant to hurt any one... I never meant to be anything more or less than what i said i was...
And where does that leave us? We are at cross purposes, perhaps? With the ideals that we once stood upon, so firmly, wearing away beneath us, with the tide... Forgive me... Gibson today. Haunted springs to mind, and, for once, not to winamp, as i think of all the people that i have, mutually, touched, over the years.. The impressions i'm left with, of them, and the impressions they've had, of me. (The Art of Noise - [Instruments of Darkness [Prodigy Remix)]). I want to know how to feel at home, in my homes. Like i belong, somewhere, besides inside myself... Or should that be enough?
Should i simply be able to take the solace from within, and stride boldly forward? The picture of some Victorian Stoic... (That i have to ask....) I await the moment, here, when i feel enough at home that it must be time to Leave. And i wait for the acclimation of my Soul-Self to this new place... Not the terrible displacement of Jet-Lag... But the somehow more consciously chosen level of leaving the Soul behind... to catch up with you, as it will... (Republica - [Ready To Go]). And having the whole experience be somehow the Worse, for being the chosen...
I know that, in the end, as with every breath i take, and every decision made, nothing will ever be seen the same. As it Were.
I can't have the things that have deliberately lost me, and that makes me sad, in a way i don't want to describe. but it makese me feel like i've deliberately lost somethings, and how must that make them feel? Discarded, by the way-side, left to wonder, left to try to get on with their lives... And maybe i'm self-centred to think that there would be that constant naggin worry, there, in the back of their minds... Like there's that worry, in mine... (Fiona Apple - [Sleep to Dream]). But, agian, something in the core of me rebels at the thought of trying to start it, again... I left them, for a reason. They left me, for a reason. Promises, made, broken, forgotten... dusted upon the wind, like Zyklon-B... deadly in their implications... I never meant to hurt any one... I never meant to be anything more or less than what i said i was...
And where does that leave us? We are at cross purposes, perhaps? With the ideals that we once stood upon, so firmly, wearing away beneath us, with the tide... Forgive me... Gibson today. Haunted springs to mind, and, for once, not to winamp, as i think of all the people that i have, mutually, touched, over the years.. The impressions i'm left with, of them, and the impressions they've had, of me. (The Art of Noise - [Instruments of Darkness [Prodigy Remix)]). I want to know how to feel at home, in my homes. Like i belong, somewhere, besides inside myself... Or should that be enough?
Should i simply be able to take the solace from within, and stride boldly forward? The picture of some Victorian Stoic... (That i have to ask....) I await the moment, here, when i feel enough at home that it must be time to Leave. And i wait for the acclimation of my Soul-Self to this new place... Not the terrible displacement of Jet-Lag... But the somehow more consciously chosen level of leaving the Soul behind... to catch up with you, as it will... (Republica - [Ready To Go]). And having the whole experience be somehow the Worse, for being the chosen...
I know that, in the end, as with every breath i take, and every decision made, nothing will ever be seen the same. As it Were.
