wolven7 | Summer Semester Breaks

David Bowie - [The Man Who Sold The World]--- So, now that i have all of this time to myself there are many, many things i could do with that. Redundant. I could do some writing, or i could work on my Webpage. I could meditate, like a bastard, and get to the root of all of my problems. I could seclude myself, in my room, until Saturday and Sunday, when i'll see my Mother, and not speak to anyone, at all. Ever. Tempting. But will i do any of these things? Maybe. What am i doing right now? Sitting here, trying to figure out something to do, and motivate myself to shower. Because i need it.

I cleaned my house, and i have the door and my window open, to air it out. Very dusty/stuffy in here. I have letters that i could be writing... I... i don't know. (Cluade Debussy - [Sirenes (Sirens)]). The more i look at my life, and the things i do, the more affectation [Smoking] i see... It does nothing for me. It doesn't Calm me, or work as an appetite suppresant. All it does it put nicotine into my system Hooray. You know, i don't even Feel good, from smoking. After a long few days of it, i feel like i need nanotech to clean out my lungs. It's there to give me something to do with my hands. I try to replace it with drawing, or writing, and nothing comes out. Because i'm not inspired. I have nothing to communicate... I don't think that sunk in. I Have Nothing To Communicate. That's Really scary....

I feel as if, even though my obligations are done, i still have something hanging over my head, waiting for me to do it. Waiting for me to act upon it. And i don't know what the hell that is. I'm trying to remember my Dreams, from last night, and all i remember is the distinct feeling of Teaching someone something, and an image of my chain being held in front of me, meaning Off of my Neck. But i don't know if that was the memory of a dream, or a thought i had, while still so close to dreaming, that it seemed like a dream. Maybe i should nap.

Maybe i'll watch Donnie Darko, again. And again. Maybe i'll actually do some writing that is worth my while, or some design that is meaningful... or at least artful... Art, not Artifice... That's what i always seem to demand, isn't it? From you, from me, from the Universe. And all It gives me is Shit. Neither/Nor. Except in you. You are the art and the artifice, the Edifice. Finally remembered word. (LUXT - [Perpetusex]). The structure on which this shit-hole of aplace is built, and no that is not to say that you are pieces of Shit, but it is to say that these things only get better if you Make them better. What things? Everything. I need to remember how to do that... Make everything ok, again...

I used to talk about sine waves, and looking at the up-swing, not the downward fall of life, and that worked, for a while. But i'm too far from.. . something... for that to work as well, anymore. I look at the world and and i don't see the Good/Bad/Good wave, any more... I mean i do, but it's not the point of Focus, anymore... It is simply a symptom... There are other things that hold my attention... I'm chasing Echoes, and i've no idea what i will find at the end of my Five and a Half Minute Hallway. Referant. And part of me is really afraid to find out... because maybe it's the Minotaur... and maybe that's me... The monster, inside, is, for some unknown reason, scaring me, now. What the fuck is that, i ask you? What the Fuck is That? It's bullshit is what it is...

Johnny Cash - [Hurt2]--- The true problem, here, as with all introspection, is that i'm afraid that when i look inside that i wil find not the horrible monster... But... Not the Horrible Monster. Semantics. Syntactically different elements. What will i do if, when i see my centre, i see a mewling Thing, powerless to change, incapable of action? What, then, is left for me to do? I'm left with choices, and i still understand those. Do i? All of them. And i know the consequences, there, and what those problems solutions whatevers bring. But it's a matter of getting that information to myself, in a way that i will understand...

Carmina Burana - [In Taberna Quando Sumus]--- Delphi Speaks. I'm off to shower. Later.