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Out of sorts
Jan. 5th, 2012 01:18 amMentally, I'm not feeling that great, and I don't know if its stress or what, but I don't feel all here, these past few days
Pixies - [Gigantic]--- Everything's been lining up more and more-- music at sjust the right time, just the right internet post to illuminate a thing, a particular reference on TV-- but that's not... It's reference. It's funny. It's cute. I need a little more, just now, you know? Point me toward something, resonate with something. Not just the random ephermera, but something sharper, more defined, out of the static and the hum.
I started using a filter on this thing, and then I promptly stopped posting anything of real substance. Questions. Snippets. Not whole pictures, anymore. Nothing that means much, out of context.
Peter Gabriel - [Signal To Noise (Instrumental)]--- I always tell people to ask me anything because I always hope they'll ask me what I really want to say but don't think anyone wants to hear. So I ask you to ask me and I place it under filters and under screened replies, and I wait, because I honestly don't think I know how to frame what it is I want to say without a question to focus it down.
It's something to do with intimacy and honesty and sharing and truth and sex but the sex part is more of a consequent than an antecedant-- it's an effect and not the cause... Symptom. Not disease...
Sex means a lot but doesn't really mean much at all. It's a culmination of a set of ways of thinking about intimacy and desire, indicative of what people think it means to really know someone, to really (romantically) love someone, and, as such, I think it's something I've always struggled with because there is no clear line in my head between how to love a friend and how to love a... Friend Plus? (Mai Yamine & the SEATBELTS - [Green Bird]). It's always been a thing I think to have the person with whom you have a relationship be a friend first-- always a thing for me, I mean-- because-- and I've said this before-- when you are friends with someone you give them the so much of yourself, so much access, so little restriction.
The Clash - [Armagideon Time]--- Why does that go away for some people? Something happens where people start to tamp down the things that they used to share. Those things don't go away, do they? Just because you're in a monagamous relationship with someone doesn't mean you don't still find someone else attractive. But where you may once have talked to your best friend about this, if that same person is now your significant other, you might hold it back. (Jarboe & Justin K Broadrick - Romp). And yet most people claim that desire doesn't equal intent. That fantasy doesn't mean a desire to bring to fruition.
But what if deep down everyone dreads that that's exactly what it means? (the pAper chAse - Wait Until I Get My Hands on You). Wouldn't that explain why some don't talk to their lovers, their significant others, about attraction, or jokes, or porn, or that trip to the strip club the girls want to take? Because there is this fundamental frison in their minds when they think about the difference between desire and action. They think it doesn't ink up, but they fear that it does, and what if it does, does that mean they don't want me anymore, does that mean I'm not enough for them does that mean that I'm terrible, that I've done something wrong, that everything is going to shit, what about the one for me, what about the children, what about everything we've built together.
Fuck a friend without talking about what you both think that is. See if your relationship doesn't change. Tell your significant other everything.
I'm not trying to be cynical, here. I want to tell everyone everything, but that would mean breaking confidences, in some cases, which... Well you know me. Not mine to do. But I can tell you most things. I can leave out names to protect the ones who had the most fun. (Cindergarden - Something To Kill For). This is what I mean about the music, by the way. Since the Jarboe, this has been on random. Anyway. I can't tell you who--even if you can clearly infer-- but I can always tell you what.
All you have to do is ask.
But I'm not going to sit here and talk into the void, unless the void starts talking back again. I want to give everything I have to give, but I want to know that you'll want it, that you've asked for it, and that you mean it.
Sure, of course, some things are unknowable until the time of show. The spotlight doesn't come on cue, there's a random screech in the violin, whatever. (Blonde Redhead - [Melody]). But you can practice your lines and you can project your voice to the cheap seats. Practice and project. That's all I'm asking for. Say you'll be here until you can't be, anymore, and then say goodbye.
It's surprising how much you just want a goodbye, sometimes. Leave if you want, if you have to just... don't do it in silence.
The pAper chAse - [What's So Amazing About Grace]--- As I said, I'm out of sorts. This is a bit indulgent. But that's a journal for you, isn't it? Here are my thoughts, written for anyone to see, for "posterity." Hubris, at its best. Because someone wants to see what you wrote? Someone wants to read your thoughts?
Jarboe - The Body Lover--- Of course they do.
Pixies - [Gigantic]--- Everything's been lining up more and more-- music at sjust the right time, just the right internet post to illuminate a thing, a particular reference on TV-- but that's not... It's reference. It's funny. It's cute. I need a little more, just now, you know? Point me toward something, resonate with something. Not just the random ephermera, but something sharper, more defined, out of the static and the hum.
I started using a filter on this thing, and then I promptly stopped posting anything of real substance. Questions. Snippets. Not whole pictures, anymore. Nothing that means much, out of context.
Peter Gabriel - [Signal To Noise (Instrumental)]--- I always tell people to ask me anything because I always hope they'll ask me what I really want to say but don't think anyone wants to hear. So I ask you to ask me and I place it under filters and under screened replies, and I wait, because I honestly don't think I know how to frame what it is I want to say without a question to focus it down.
It's something to do with intimacy and honesty and sharing and truth and sex but the sex part is more of a consequent than an antecedant-- it's an effect and not the cause... Symptom. Not disease...
Sex means a lot but doesn't really mean much at all. It's a culmination of a set of ways of thinking about intimacy and desire, indicative of what people think it means to really know someone, to really (romantically) love someone, and, as such, I think it's something I've always struggled with because there is no clear line in my head between how to love a friend and how to love a... Friend Plus? (Mai Yamine & the SEATBELTS - [Green Bird]). It's always been a thing I think to have the person with whom you have a relationship be a friend first-- always a thing for me, I mean-- because-- and I've said this before-- when you are friends with someone you give them the so much of yourself, so much access, so little restriction.
The Clash - [Armagideon Time]--- Why does that go away for some people? Something happens where people start to tamp down the things that they used to share. Those things don't go away, do they? Just because you're in a monagamous relationship with someone doesn't mean you don't still find someone else attractive. But where you may once have talked to your best friend about this, if that same person is now your significant other, you might hold it back. (Jarboe & Justin K Broadrick - Romp). And yet most people claim that desire doesn't equal intent. That fantasy doesn't mean a desire to bring to fruition.
But what if deep down everyone dreads that that's exactly what it means? (the pAper chAse - Wait Until I Get My Hands on You). Wouldn't that explain why some don't talk to their lovers, their significant others, about attraction, or jokes, or porn, or that trip to the strip club the girls want to take? Because there is this fundamental frison in their minds when they think about the difference between desire and action. They think it doesn't ink up, but they fear that it does, and what if it does, does that mean they don't want me anymore, does that mean I'm not enough for them does that mean that I'm terrible, that I've done something wrong, that everything is going to shit, what about the one for me, what about the children, what about everything we've built together.
Fuck a friend without talking about what you both think that is. See if your relationship doesn't change. Tell your significant other everything.
I'm not trying to be cynical, here. I want to tell everyone everything, but that would mean breaking confidences, in some cases, which... Well you know me. Not mine to do. But I can tell you most things. I can leave out names to protect the ones who had the most fun. (Cindergarden - Something To Kill For). This is what I mean about the music, by the way. Since the Jarboe, this has been on random. Anyway. I can't tell you who--even if you can clearly infer-- but I can always tell you what.
All you have to do is ask.
But I'm not going to sit here and talk into the void, unless the void starts talking back again. I want to give everything I have to give, but I want to know that you'll want it, that you've asked for it, and that you mean it.
Sure, of course, some things are unknowable until the time of show. The spotlight doesn't come on cue, there's a random screech in the violin, whatever. (Blonde Redhead - [Melody]). But you can practice your lines and you can project your voice to the cheap seats. Practice and project. That's all I'm asking for. Say you'll be here until you can't be, anymore, and then say goodbye.
It's surprising how much you just want a goodbye, sometimes. Leave if you want, if you have to just... don't do it in silence.
The pAper chAse - [What's So Amazing About Grace]--- As I said, I'm out of sorts. This is a bit indulgent. But that's a journal for you, isn't it? Here are my thoughts, written for anyone to see, for "posterity." Hubris, at its best. Because someone wants to see what you wrote? Someone wants to read your thoughts?
Jarboe - The Body Lover--- Of course they do.
