Things

Razed In Black - [Nightmare]--- First off: Happy birthday, paosparti.

As for the rest, Today feels like fall, in that I want to tear and rend things, and hunt, a lot. Burn things, and cut. Hands on a throat, well done work accomplished. But maybe that's just me, being me.

How other people see me is part of what makes it hard for me to quit smoking. Everyone who knows me, in this era of my life, (ie Georgia), knows me as a smoker. Correction: Everyone who Still knows me, in this era. (Mindless Self Indulgence - [Harry Truman]). Those who knew me in Inman Middle school don't still know me. Either by my opwn fault, or theirs, we have fallen out of each others' lives. But I digress. Those who have met me have met me as a smoker. I can't address a pack of cigarettes, or someone with a pack of cigarettes, with out someone thinking that I want one. (Pop Will Eat Itself - [Everything's Cool]). This is one of the things that gets exponentially worse, in the fall, as I've always regarded this as a burning season. I always struggle with this, most, in the fall. I'm most annoyingly vocal about it, this time of year.

I try not to let it get to me, not to let how other people think of, believe in, or conceive of me to affect what I actually do and am, but I exists, just as the rest of you do. I exist, and those things have a certain amount of power over me. Think of it like an X, Y, and Z graph; three dimensional-like. There is a place at which my base nature, your thoughs of me, and my thoughs of me intersect, and that can cover more or less space, depending on the extent to which I let any one of those factors dictate where the lines are plotted, ya dig?

Snake River Conspiracy - [Somebody Hates You]--- Cones, rods, columns, cubes, spheres of influence. My point is that, certain combinations cause negative interactions, within the context of my wants, and it takes me a little more work to fix it, in those situations, than otherwise. I feel simultaneously more and less powerful in the fall. Autumn.

The quote(s) from Shadow, at the Climax of American Gods, is stuck in my head.

Later

Difficulties

The Dust Brothers - [Who Is Tyler Durden?]--- I don't write drafts of papers, or stories, or poems, if I can help it. I mean, yeah, if I come back to something, later, and put it into a new format, I'll tweak some words, and I'll do something new with placements, and shit like that, but I don't go into anything thinking "This is my first draft, and I'll improve upon it, after i see how it is received;" I don't like that.

Poe - [Trigger Happy Jack (Drive by a Go-Go)]--- It's a process, not a sectoined thing. It's all one work, all the way through, and I don't like the implication that i may have to rework what I've written. Like what i've done may not be good enough.

In that vein, I don't like the idea of writing a paper proposal. I feel like the things i'm saying, here, are the things I should be saying in the paper itself. I'm going to have a hard enough time writing something this long, for the first time, without feeling of needing to rehash, in some really inventive way, the things I've already said once.

The Meltdowns - [Battle Hymn]--- But it is Required of me, so it will be done. That I don't like it has nothing at all to do with the necessity, but it does, in fact have an effect on how my mind handles this... crap. I don't think it worth my time. Oh well. Some things we do, because they are directly in line with our goals, and we don't have the time to figure a way around them.

Pizzicato Five - [Arigato We Love You]--- To that end, I'm going to go check my e-mail, and then finsih my readings, for tomorrow.

Drema Well