Slight wave of art-related depression... Rather Self-Centred Post.

Tom Waits - [No One Knows I'm Gone]--- I don't feel like i'm getting anywhere with my writing, at the moment. I have a story that's stopped going places, since i found something freakishly similar, in the works of an admired artist. No, i hadn't read hers, and grafted. It hadn't existed, yet. (Oingo Boingo - [Weird Science]). So, i'm stuck with a lack of motivation, and i don't know where the story's going, and i don't know how to introduce new characters, without making them seem tacked-on. I hate the feeling that it's simply... stagnating. Like things are starting to be weird, in it, and trying to be scary, for weird- and scariness' sake, only. That won't do. i had a story, under it. I had a plot, and a journey, and a finding, of these characters, by themselves, and each other.

And i have a picture that i've been working on, since 1999, that's simply sitting in my portfolio, unfinished, because i've no where to put it. My space is narrow and ill-lit. Yes, you heard me.

kidneythieves - [Zer0space]--- My room doesn't catch enough light, from the outside, to make working, in it a fun proposition. The sun is always just above, or the the periphery of the one window that gathers it. Yes, i tend to prefer the dark, but i like tha option. Besides which, there's a Quality of dark i like, which comes from blocking full light, into little or none. Anyway, i'm kind of meh.

I've not felt inspired, along these lines, in a while. I wrote a bit, on the story, the other day, and i've written vignettes, for others. But i haven't touched my script in ages. Not in terms of adding anything new. I haven't seriously drawn anything new, anything more than a sketch, or a doodle, in over a year, i think... And that makes me sad and upset with myself. But i also don't see much of a way out of it, as yet. (Deadsy - [She Likes Big Words]). I'm working there, though. Working on it.

I realised, today, that i'm going into gradschool alone. I don't have any friends going with me, no one with whom to commisserate, and no one who can help deal. It's... I dunno. It's strange. I'm going to be alone, there, save the teachers i know, and the older students i've known. And they won't have much time for me. Not really. Combine this with the fact that the thing i'm trying to do, in grad school, is.... Frowned upon, generally. (Poe - [Control]). I'm working toward a mutual understanding of science, religion, philosophy, theology, technology, psychology, politics, and everything. This tends to raise the hackles of those, in each individual field, who think that theirs is the One True Faith.

I'm tired of feeling weak, and alone, here. I'm tired of feeling lorded over from corvners and shadows, with smirks, and thoughts of who knows what about me. People who think i'm putting out something i'm not. People who think i'm throwing on a glamour, to ensnare. The search for truth should have its own allure, and its own glamour. But that's me, beign dramatic, again. Drama, style, substance, empty words. Fuck it. People will think what they will, and they'll keep pushing the boundaries of my hospitality, until they spring back.

Yes, i can be a mean and agressive fuck. Yes I can be brash ("Power... Corrupts."). I can be downright evil, sometimes. But you know that's not all the time. You know that changes, as i see fit to change it, within the framework that is me. I wish i saw morte... more of the same.

Tom Waits - [The Black Rider]--- I'm in a shitty mood. Tell me something about yourself i never knew. Either here, or via instant message.

Ta.

Slightly better, and slightly worse.

Soul Coughing - [Super Bon Bon (Propellerheads Mix)]--- People are taking bets, on how long it takes before i start smoking again. I hate people. But fuck em. I'm a contrary motherfucker, and i'll just use it as impetus to not smoke. Out of Pure Spite. Eat me.

Anyone know where i can get a sturdy punching bag, for under $200? Standard size, if at all possible. I could use the ones at school, but, they aren't open at 3am, on a Saturday, when i may well be full of violence. Which is not to say that i won't use them when they Are open. Anyway. Cheap Aikido classes, relatively cheap punching bag, time to meditate. These are a few of my needed things. Tomorrow is a brighter day.

And i have to say, it's very upsetting to me that, instead of wondering how, and wanting to learn, the first impulse of people i know, when i tell them i'm trying to learn how to light things on fire with my mind, is to say "If it works we're going to have to kill you." To which i say "Bring it. I'm a quick fucking study."

Anyway. That made me sad. (Auf der Maur - [I Need I Want I Will]). But they'll get it, soon enough. Tomorrow promises rain, and wind, and a calm enough day for me to create and Study.

Dream Well, All

"Moset." I don't know what that means.

The Dresden Dolls - [Will (Live)]--- I dreamed, last night, of various settings, and things happening, comicbook shops, Being comic characters, part of the Batman family, and watching as other members got hurt or died. Part of the dream was watching and then being In "Ravenous" (because i was on the Bus, last night, and kept hearing that damned seatbelt commercial), set around Piedmont park Lake, with more woods, and being hunted by Ives. (Interpol - [Obstacle 2]). That turned into being hunted by a serial killer, with government sanction. It was all orchestrated by a larger group, and i took the time to allow little things, and small comforts. Things in the hotel in my head, and things elsewhere. This was all while i was information gathering. The killer drove up beside us, after we picked up Batgirl, off the side of the road, where she stood, dazed, bleeding, hitch-hiking. (Project Pitchfork - [Timekiller]). We pulled her into the car, and there was another car around and beside us. It was the killer, leering, and grinning, and Batgirl took a Polaroid "of the family," but really ended up being of him. I pointed it out to the rest of us, and that's when research began. I found out who was behind it, and i killed them all.

I had to force myself back to sleep, a few times, during the Dream, to find everything. Random fucking thugs, with aspiratioins, trying to kill me and mine. Meh.

I'm going to study, and read, and write, today. I will also draw, but i don't know how much, or little. Goals will be accomplished. Hooray!

I've also noticed that, wheni stay up until three, four, five am, drinking coffee, i wake up the next morning, feeling like i've smoked. I think my body is trying to get rid of the tar, via association, or summat.

Ta

{1.17pm:The Android Sisters - [Treasury Wizards]--- Another part of the dream was someone telling me how much they believed in my ability. Thank you all, for that.}

Let's have a big round of applause, for the Approach-Avoidance Players!

Rasputina - [All Tomorrow's Parties]--- So, my registration started the 25th of October. Didn't do anything about it, then, for various reasons, boiling down to i didn't know what i wanted, and didn't think it mattered. Turns out it Does matter, as i have One credit hour left to fulfill.

One.

So, now, i'm rather frantically searching for something that A) won't bore me to tears, and B) won't take too much of my time. All of the classes i want either are closed, have already been taken by myself, above my level (master's program, and the like), etc.. (Tool - [Undertow]). These are entirely my fault. So, the question becomes "How do i fix it?"

I've read (finished the Tower), but i haven't written, or drawn. I've been too caught up in my own bullshit and fuck ups.

So. Yes. This is my day. Hello. How are you?

I'm going to stop writing now, before i get all whiny. Moreso.


[EDIT: Fine! Fuck It! Applied Lingusitcs it is! Intro to Language, here i come.]

The defining reason i'd ever buy a Mac or "My world is RAM Forever!"

http://www.applegeeks.com/comic_archive/viewcomic.php?issue=126

So pleased.

The Kybalion and Metaphysics. ME-TA. PHYS-ICS. Jeesus Chirst....

( Cut to hide Spoilers... I mean 'Spite.' HAH! )

That LJ cut title has a component of partial, implicit irony, by the way. Find it, and win a cookie. Or cake. I have more cake than cookies, so it'll be cake. You'll have to come to me, to get it, though. Sorry.

I'm out, kids. Enjoy.

{10.11pm:Pain - [Put 'Em Back]--- Also, thanks to mr_hinzelmann, for loaning me the book.}