So, i went to church, today. I haven't been to church, since the summer, i think... if that's the last time i was here, at length. It was interesting. My heart, literally, hurt me, standing there. It burned. It took me a while of remembering the laws of necessity, and the ideals i hold, toward all gods, for it to stop burning. Some people take titles and ownerships, too seriously. I finished "The Illuminatus! Trilogy." It was great.
Friday, i went to Phila Delphi. Friday. Two days ago. And it feels so much further away, than that... I had a wonderful time, during the day, and got a great painting, had some wonderful food. But i lost my return ticket, for the Bus, and had a to do a lot of extra walking, trying to find it. Never did. There was Serpent Synchronicity, and other forms, all around, all during the day, and it was kind of creepy, but really fun. Came to the conclusion that so many people wanting me to stay up North caused the region to devour the implements of my return, or the representations, thereof. My plane ticket To D.C. was lost, as well. Definitively odd. But oh well. I had a great day, no matter what... i only wish i could do that, and things like it, more often.
I wish for a lot of things, i've realised, and the foremost, of them, is Love. This realisation came to me, at about 4 in the morning, as i read "Silence..." True, but not too much i can do about it... The ones that seem the closest are the furthest away, for almost the same reasons. Funny, no? C'est la vie.... Speaking of French....
Ok.. so i got this thing, in a Christmas Popper thing, at a family gathering, tonight. It was in French. I translated it, just after i wrote that last paragraph: "By creating the woman, one says God made an angel or the demon." That's getting scarily accurate, these days... while the Horror Scope's been Shit. Heh. Synchronicity is wonderful.
I've been thinking about the idea of asking for help, without sarcasm, rancor, pity (self or external), or qualifications... I don't know that i can do it... Some people can... But i don't know that i will ever be able to do it, without tasting bile in the back of my throat. But, as they do say, "Ask and ye shall receive..." Bollocks to that.
Been thinking about the power of mantras, and the Self/Reality Programming quality of what is typically called, today, Magic, or however you prefer to vary the spelling. Haven't really come up with one that helps me, much, other than something true. Ish. A mantra should be a true thing that you need help remembering. Something that will lend you power, where you feel powerless. "I am everything believe myself to be, and I can understand all contexts," for example, or "You are not the Target." Fun little things, like that. It's stuff that you have to remind yourself to do, every day, and if, in your mantra, you make yourself your own god, then please be prepared for all of the responsibility, entailed, therein. People are bound to misinterpret your messages...just ask YHVH. Doop.
On a more cultured note (*snicker*), i've been trying to find a suitable recipe for a nice Bolognese. I've made meat sauce, in the past, but never something that can truly be described a Bolognese... there's a certain taste missing... Perhaps a fresh cilantro, rosemary, and Thyme mixture will help.... but it's still not dark enough. It's too.... tomato sauce-y... Simple solution of less sauce, perhaps, but i don't know... I know that some of you, in the audience, are culinarily inclined, and i prevail upon you, now, to lend me a hand, in this... i may mix and match ingredients, until i get it to where i like it, but you will all be thanked and credited... Hrmm... Hannibal offered me crusty, fresh French bread, last night... So cultured.
I've invented a new game. It's called "Push the Buttons, Flip the Switch, Push the Buttons." Here's how you play: You start with someone you know, fairly well, and you start pushing all of their emotional buttons. Their insecurities, and their self-perceived faults. Harp on them. Make them see them. But don't do them all at once... Save some. Then you flip the switch, and you push all of the buttons that make them feel really good about themselves. Get them to the point where they forget every "Mean, horrible" thing you said about them. Then do it again. And Again. Continue, until they don't know who or what they fear about themselves, any more. If they do it to you, le it happen. Run with it. Play the game. :)
If we're going to play mind games, let's Play Mind Games.
Now... another note on a subject, that's become a little more clear. Sex, between friends. There is, as we've said, the ideals of "something more," with almost everyone. Those who would not hold those ideals would, perhaps, pat you on the head, and "be glad that you had finally learned..." whatever the fuck it is that they think you've learned. What about fucking, as an expression of friendship, between two friends who want to have sex? Therein lies the problem, because that's a huge taboo.
People can't admit that they want to have sex with "Just friends," without there being "Something more" because it goes against their "Morals." Well bully for you, and bully for your morals. Sex is special, wonderful, and deep. It's an expression of caring, and love. So are hugs. So is a peck on the cheek. Why, when there is Sexual attraction, does there have to be Romantic intent? Why must we make lovers out of friends, instead of keeping them our friends, and more? Tiered relationships bother people... Action... Words... Reclusiveness. "Back off! I'll make you 'Fun Sized!'"
Finally, i want a collective, with the individual, as key. Picard of Borg, i said that before. I realised, last night, while talking with me da', that the Society in which we live aims at that, from another direction. They say that there is no one to count on, but ourselves, and that we have to look out, for number one. But we must conform. We must think, act, dress, be alike. And we should never expect the people, around us, who are just like us, to HELP US. It's all backwards and wrong...
Patriotism equals loving your country. Nationalism Equals Fascism. And, as pretty as fascism looks, when it's me at the helm, free thought is always key....
I miss people already.. I'm done, here. I need to go watch cartoons, and read. Raise your hand if Dr. Frederick Chilton's words apply to you. don't be shy. I'll love you all the more, for admitting it.
Dream Well
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