In Whose Eyes?

She sat, alone, next to the furnace. She was waiting for something, but what had it been? Was there some cue, some desperate signal they would send her, when it was time? Or would they just leave her here, forever? She was just paranoid enough to believe the latter. She hadn't heard from anyone in days, and there had been no sounds outside. The furnace had turned off, three days ago. She was pretty sure she'd be dead, now, if she hadn't found the fresh water pipe, by listening for the steady drip drip drip coming from the corner. She thought she might be hungry, but she couldn't be sure.

They had shoved her into the cellar, when the screaming had started. The sky had turned this horrible shade of red, and the screams sounded like the clouds weeping, tearing themselves apart in some melancholy, desperate, ecstatic ritual, seeming to come from everywhere, and inside of her head, at the same time. Then it began to rain. The rain lasted for days, and days; a hard torrential rain that struck the skin like small rocks. The rain, at this time of the year, was never warm-- it was always a cold, piercing rain-- but this rain was warm, and thick. It had also begun to run red, at some point. The more hysterical of the communities and the media took up the son-to-be cliché that God was bleeding on them. And they had shoved her in the basement.

They told her not to worry. They told her that it would be over, soon, and that everything would be ok. They told her to always remember that God loved her, and that nothing would happen to her, as long as she kept that in her heart. She was cold. It felt like winter, outside, but she knew that it was only October. She shouldn't be this cold. What day was it? She had lost track, and the batteries in her watch had run out, long ago, so what was she supposed to do? Sit here, and wait? Nay, FUCK that. She had sat down and been a good little girl, for days, maybe weeks. She needed to find the damn door....

It was insanity, outside... She hadn't expected anything like that. Demons, maybe, or perhaps zombies, and dead bodies. But never that... It was too much, and she couldn't find her family anywhere. They had told her that everything was going to be all right. How was everything supposed to be all right, with out them? Where was she supposed to go? What was she supposed to do? She wanted her mother and father, and her brother. And they weren't in her house....

She curled up, more tightly, next to the furnace and thought about what she had seen. The streets had been paved in gold, and everyone had looked lost, and bewildered. There was no sun in the sky, and no stars, or moon. There was light, everywhere.... She hoped that she would wake up soon, but she didn't think she would. There was no chance of killing herself; not now...

Some would say that she had received the greatest reward a mortal could hope for, but in her eyes, it was the worst thing that could have happened to her.

©2002 Damien Williams

When we walk in the brightest light of day, our shadows, before us, grow deeper and deeper.

What are we to do, when all of the options, in our lives, are turned down, and turned away? Where are we supposed to turn, when everything that once gave us comfort no longer has time, or ability, to do what it can? We turn inward. That is where we go, and that is what we do. But in looking inward, do we not neglect that which is outside, completely? Until we can, on the inside, find the correlation and the resting place of all that is outside, are we not merely retrewating, hiding ourselves away, until we feel more courageous, and more stalwart? And if we are, where lies the harm, in that?

There is a misconception, abound, that people cannot find, within themselves, everything that they need to exist, in this world. This persists, mainly, because the people who believe it do not look hard enough, within themselves. There is, within each of us, the capacity and ability to Create that which we need in the world, and a Darkness, that flows from the Light of the Outside. But we ignore this. We hide our shadowselves, from the Light, thinking that those above and outside will not understand, but the key, here, is that they are all facets. They are all pieces of the larger whole, and even we, ourselves, see not the entire jewel. Our "Friends" know us, and our "Coworkers" know us, and our "Family" knows us, all differently. They know how we are, aruond them and, whether they be subtle or glaring, there are differences.

My Shadow and I are One.
We know the Light and The Dark
as things that lay upon us and
Create us.
Without my Shadow,
I could not be whole,
And without my Light
My Darkness would be incomplete.
In the Darkness of my centre,
I find a Dancing Light
and wherever that Light is not
I find a sliding solace of Warmth
and Depth.
I cannot be whole, without myself
and my facets cannot shine.
The Brighter the Light,
The Deeper the Shadow.
©2002 Damien Williams

I don't know what the hell that was supposed to mean, but i wrote it. I cannot continue in this manner of total expectation, hesitation, and waiting. There has been Nothing to sustain my more mundane efforts. No encouragement, on the Job front, nothing that even looks to be promising. I've had encouragement, in the way of my Creation, and quite a bit of it. But that encouragement is of the same source from which sprung the Idea of creating, and while this may mean One thing, taken one way, it means something completely different, in the mundane context. One way means i'm doing well, and that i will receive that for which i have worked, so hard. The other way means i'm crazy. These are not, necessarily, different things. Though i would prefer to Have the "Real" world, coincide with the world that i know to mean equally as much, i will accept that they are seperate and fractured, at present. There is little i can do, about this, and all i can do is continue to try.

I have opportunities that have presented themselves, and conditions to fulfill. If they do not happen in the manner, heretofore alluded, then i will be obliged to consider other means. As it stands, i have Temp work, to look forward to, and a KMFDM concert to attend. We shall see what comes of all of these things, Yes? Yes.

We Shall See.

Day Dream