"I'm the one who steps from the shadows, all trench coat and cigarette and arrogance, ready to deal

Feeling a bit lonely, as of late... Felt this overwhelming sense of despair, this evening. Picked up some Hellblazer. Feel like i might die soon.... It's depressing.

"Few people really think about dying. Paranoids worry about it without really understanding it. Victims of fatal accidents and murder don't have time to think. You only really think about it if you take the time to. And you only take the time if you know it's going to happen." - John Constantine

So that's about the sum of it.. i don't know what else to say, now. i have a paper to write. Dream Well

Good....

i feel good.... There's a Storm here. There's a big storm here. It is loud, and it is large, and there was lightning lighting up the while sky. This, too is well. And i will not be afraid.

There is something in the power of a storm. There is a great sense of inevitability, and power. There is nothing you can do to stop it, only redirect it, and eventually, it gets you anyway. i will not be afraid of this. i will learn from this. The storm is like Death. There is nothing you can do to stop it, only delay it, briefly. Death, for me at least, is like that. i cannot stop it, and if i delay it, any, then i am not being true to myself. Why delay or deny? If it comes it comes, and i shall go.

She holds me, sometymes, when i don't feel well, or safe, or Right. She holds me and she pets my hair and she tells me that everything will be ok, and i believe her, and i know that, no matter how fucked up, or wrong, or painful things are here, there's always her, and there's always somewhere else for me to go... Where it will be just as bad, or worse, but it's something to reach for, and i can remember that she will be with me.

There's Nothing there for me, and i can go there, and it can be dark. Not Dark, Nothing. There's no hopes, fears, worries, people, connections, emotions. Nothing. And i can cut myself off, and leave and do nothing and be nothing. i can be non-sentient. Nonsense. And there is nothing. And there is freedom.

i wonder about myself, sometymes. What is it that was my principle decision to exist? Why would i make that choice when all i seem to do sometymes is try to recapture that Nothing? That Void? Why would i exist, if all i was going to do is lament it? Everywhere i go, here, i try to find something that makes the pain worth it (i sound 15, again, i know). But i pull up short every tyme. There's things that last for that brief shining moment, and then they are gone. But that moment, that shining gem of experience is worth it, then and there. And i suppose that that's what counts.

Here, Now. Not then, not there, not way back when and where. Everything else means buggerall. It's the Now that counts. But right now i feel like shit. That is right now. i feel like shit, and i think i'm going to die, without doing things i wanted to do.

i want to kiss someone i'm in love with.

i want to have fun with all of my friends, and make up fucked up shit to do.

i want to write a novel.

i want to finish my script.

i want to meet everyone i know.

i want to bring Dreams to the people.

i want to see the sky on fire with the righteous anger of several billions years worth of oppressed living.

i want to see wings on "human beings".

i want to see elves, demons, angels, shapeshifters, dragons, trolls, ghosts, and every other "Mythical" creature walking the streets.

i want to see Her, Here, Now.

And if i did, i know that some of these things would remain undone. Some of these things would not be accomplished, by me. And maybe, just maybe, that would be ok. But we'll never know. Not unless they happen.

To old friends and the Season of Mists. May the Devil get his due, and all your Wants be sated, to your driving fire's satisfaction. Slainte.

Good Nytes. Good Days. Dream Well