"Stay away from the future; don't tell God your plans..."

[wolven7]

In a very disconcerting and paradoxical way, smoking has come to represent control over my desires. If I can take the time to sit alone and have a cigarette, and clear my head, through an integration of the physical and the mental, it appears to me a more complete union [in an ideal of meditation] in smoking than in any other activity.

I have always had strong psychological and philosophical ties to smoking.

There are, of course, the obvious down sides to smoking. Health, scent, social interactions, the comfort of those around me. But the fact remains that when I think of the things I can control, in my life-- the things I want that I can easily attain-- a cigarette is at the top of that list. It's an easy win.

Except that's not true, either. Not exactly. A Cigarette is an easy Thing to attain, but the renewed habit of smoking? I can't afford that. Not even a little bit. For gods' sakes, I had to make the bet, today, that I'd make it all the way to work with my gas light on. I can't buy smokes, on the regular.

And so we come back around a central issue.

Anyway, i've been talking, a lot, about wanting to smoke, again, and I figured maybe someone might want to know why. Or maybe I just needed to lay it all out for myself.

Back to work.

[Edit: 'Perfect Drug' came on as I posted this.]

Comments

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

Kind of meta-, but do you want to want it?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

That's a very good question. The answer is mu. I don't want to want it because I do want to want it. I'm still reliant upon it for a major portion of my psychological health. I'm still attached to it.

But I like that attachment, and I like what it allows me to do, even as I despise being attached to it, and what it does to me.

Mu.

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

Are all those components necessary and comingled, or are they separately accessible?

[wolven.livejournal.com]

No real way to know unless asked. Why do you ask?

[raidingparty.livejournal.com]

If you need and want help, and I am able, I would be happy to do so. I just don't know enough to determine where this lies.